I just wrote this long ass post about everything I've been going through this month from being in the emergency room 3 times to having my car towed and impounded and the whole fucking thing I wrote is GONE.
I don't feel like writing it again.
Bottom line is that I have talked a lot about my issues with my mom but at the end of the day, she's the one who has come through for me in a pinch. I just wish there were no pinches. I am grateful that she can see past our fights and still put things aside to help me when I'm down and out.
Since I don't feel like writing the whole damn thing again, I'm just going to go from where I left off.
I have struggled with some MAJOR issues from my health to my car, etc this month and have done 90% of it with no man or no friend I felt comfortable enough to count on. Only my mother. She gave 110% of what she could and even though we have our issues, I appreciate her for it even with the arguments.
Thankfully my health is good but for the fact that I need insurance, I have some fibroid issues and need to participate in a sleep-study to fix my sleep apnea, oh and headaches/sinus issues from time to time. But in general, I'm good health-wise thankfully. I have her to thank and my friend Angelo who definitely did what he could to help me as well (still...those wiper blades though man...lol!!).
As my mom said yesterday, ."..The last few weeks have certainly been filled with 'you can't make this stuff up" and that is THE TRUTH. I mean if someone had a satellite feed filming what has happened in my life, it would be AMAZEBALLS. In reality, there have been some really SERIOUS things but at then end of the day sometimes all you have left is your sense of humor, your faith that all will ultimately be okay and the loving actions of a few who are still willing to go to bat for you even through the storms.
Anyway....thankfully, I have all of that.
I understand that not having a huge "rolodex" of people I can count on is of my own doing and choice-making. It is an extension of the fact that I am truly introverted and enjoy solitude so I don't bond with people in the same way that "normal" people do and can sometimes become burdened and overwhelmed by heavy social interaction....that's me, I get it and there are consequences to my inner nature. I understand that. Plus even though I'm in a lot of situations where I have a great time with people, I sometimes PURPOSELY try not to get too close because I know the situation is not permanent and therefore it makes it harder once you bond emotionally to move on to the next level. Also my fault that I don't allow myself to get closer to people
However, it all became abundantly clear yesterday after spending 12 hours alone dealing with my car issues and only my mom to help me that I need to make some changes in my life and in my psyche. I decided that I HAVE to make some adjustments. Yes, I've talked about this before and yesterday just made it even abundantly MORE clear.
Some things in Nikkiland need to change
A woman should never have a long list of men she has let ride in her passenger seat and carted around town here or there and have no one to call when she has a car issue. I should not be at the bus stop or riding the bus thinking I have a greater chance of running into a dude in my phone on the bus or at the bus stop than HIM riding down the street in his own car. And that's EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE. A phone full of phone numbers and maybe only a few guys who even have their own car. WHAT IS THAT?
Nikki is lazy, she likes to ride. And I don't mean ride you, I mean RIDE.
Yesterday I spent 12 hours in car hell and it helped me see that from this day forward, I am okay if someone wants to believe I'm a gold-digger. If I meet you and you have romantic intentions with no money, no car, no traditional ideas about courtship, no traditional masculine PRIDE of being a MAN, then please, stick to the booty-call type women who will go for anything. There's someone out there for everyone but dudes like you ain't my type
MONEY IS IMPORTANT. A man being a provider and being able to take care of a woman is important. I don't care how FINE you are, I'm cute too and I'm am just not interested in no Caitlyn Jenner type dudes who want to be the woman. IF you are the selfie type dude that wants to be the trophy wife, stick to your kind. Nikki is not the woman for you. Nikki LOVES to have fun and wants you to have fun but don't get it twisted, Nikki needs a grown ass man
I'M THE WOMAN DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And if I look at you, your car, your wallet, your money, etc it is not because I am a gold-digger in the traditional sense, I'm just tired of meeting broke busted dudes who expect me to be the man that they can' t be.
In accounting there is a thing called "reserve for bad debt" and eventually when it appears the debt will never be collected, you write it off.
Well this morning I woke up and decided, I'm cleaning out the ledgers. All that old bullshit is written off. I'm not saying you're dead to me (in Kevin O'Leary speak) but don't be surprised if it takes me a lot longer to return your phone call or text message if you are a deadbeat. I just cannot spend any more of my life dealing with males who are a waste of all their potential. I mean women COMPETE for these losers and I have fallen under that spell but I have woken up and realized that is LAME AS HELL!!! Nikki was being dumb.
I barely have a car myself and if you are a dude with no car, no home, no money, nothing to offer but your six-pack, I'm sorry but I don't want you because I've been down that road and guys like you are a complete nuisance and a HASSLE.
Everyone has setbacks but are you ever going to stop letting life kick you in the ass and man up?
Have you EVER been successful or are you just using all the people from the past and your past mistakes to continue to stay stuck?
Nikki is already a hot mess right now, she needs no additions to the current apocalypse going on in Nikkiland
Nikki needs someone strong enough to go the distance and be able to give her REAL support
What she doesn't need is half assers you can never fully depend on
One thing about me, I make a lot of mistakes but I learn my lessons too. If you're riding a bike, on the bus, etc, drink, get high all the time, don't work, have no money, whatever your problem is, don't call me unless and until you have your life together. I don't have my life together right now and I don't want to and cannot take care of you. There are plenty of women that can and will, but not Nikki. I will masturbate for the rest of my life if I have to. Fuck it. If all you have to offer is penis, you should just sit at home and suck your own dick.
Nikki has busted her ass all her life and now it's time for Nikki to be able to relax, sit back and enjoy the ride. If you don't have your life together, then you need one of those Enjoli type broads from #teamfeminist. Not Nikki
I'm single, I'm cute and fluffy, I'm emotionally intense and passionate. I'm romantic. I have my own hopes dreams and ambitions, I have no kids, I have no baby daddy/baby mama drama, I am currently and temporarily broke but I do work, I have champagne taste sometimes but I can be very frugal, I am fun, I am funny, I am generally a happy person, I don't drink, I don't use drugs (although I DO like to eat!!).
I don't like to surround myself with people like that (including prescriptions or "medical" marijuana...I hate weed and know people who have done terrible things to themselves and to others under the influence of alcohol, weed, prescriptions, etc. ). You smoke weed, drink excessively, etc you are instantly DOWNGRADED in my mind to YUCK minus 10 million. I did quit smoking 6 years ago and started again this month in my stressful times. I don't anticipate that this will last too long because once I'm back at work, I'll be too lazy to leave my desk. Plus I hate smoking and how it makes my throat and chest feel. It's temporary. At least I think so.
I'm not trying to make myself out into a goody two shoes. No one looks at me today and can see the rehab version of me from 25 years ago. I was so fucked up that I definitely believed them when they said you can never drink or get high again. Of course I found a myriad of ways to get around that by being an "AHOLIC" and addict about everything else but drinking and getting high is not something I'm interested in anymore. Now if you just saw me at the buffet, you would know I'm not perfect. I will eat myself into oblivion. I'm a very compulsive person. I can sit here for 24 hours straight writing and think nothing of it and then lay around all day on the couch the next day like a vegetable and think nothing of that either.
When I first moved to Las Vegas, I acted like I was vacationing in Vegas and spent every weekend and any chance I could get gambling. I am not a recreational gambler. I have no discipline. When it comes to gambling even if I think I'm playing to win mentally, my actions tell me I'm playing to LOSE. One time waaaaay back in 2009 or 2010, I won about $1500 playing a slot machine and that same night I think I lost it all back. Yes, I can win, but 3 days later and you'll still see me chasing losses. That's why, generally now, I don't gamble. First of all cuz I'm broke but more importantly because I know I don't have discipline. If I want to play a game, I play on my computer or IPAD or something. I'm not a good disciplined gambler. I say all that to say I'm not perfect and I'm not a goody goody. I have just learned that there are a certain kind of people that I like to be around and a certain kind of people that I don't enjoy. Going over to someone's house or to an environment where everyone has to pack a bowl to get the party started is just not my kind of scene. I'm not interested in drinking, hookah, e-cigarettes, none of that shit.
I guess that makes me boring but whatever. That's Nikki.
Now to be completely real though, drunk and high people can be funny. And because I like to laugh, I have a tendency to be tolerant of the wrong type of people sometimes. That is because a person who is normally super boring without being inebriated all of a sudden becomes someone entertaining. I realize that I can do better just meeting more naturally uninhibited crazy people.
I'm the type of person that embarrasses "normal" people because certain things just don't really bother me that much anymore. Recently I was in the Infiniti dealership and I know my friend thought I was probably embarrassing but after you spend so much time around people at all levels, you just give less fucks. You may still give some fucks but a lot less of them. I mean I still have some sense. I'm not going to walk into the Four Seasons at High Tea and act like I'm on Soul Train... but I also am not nearly as invested in impressing the joneses as I used to be.
I mean the joneses ain't gonna do shit for me so why should I give a damn about them? Who are the joneses anyway?
I'm naturally HIGH and get off on laughing and probably food and coffee...If you can make me laugh and you like to have fun, well then we probably have something in common. I have had my own sordid history with addiction and don't like to be around people who need to be out of their mind to have a good time. NO. I don't do it myself and don't want to be around people whose life revolves around that.
Dr Boyce Watkins: NFL star was right to call out alcohol companies on domestic violence
Death wish 101: Four reasons black men should avoid drugs and alcohol at all costs
I like people who are naturally inclined to be uninhibited and crazy. The fun kind of crazy. Naturally funny and happy. I am more inclined to like you if you are NATURALLY blunt (but don't smoke blunts). It was funny in the movies a long time ago but it's not funny to Nikki anymore. I mean at what point do you grow up?
Nikki has no time for your weak whack defeated asses
Nikki likes men that are blunt and honest because first of all, that just feels very masculine and manly but also she doesn't have to sit there trying to figure you out and why you act the way you act. Someone who gets fucked up all the time and has multiple personalities based on how much they've ingested is not hot. But just because you don't get high and you think you have yourself together, take a second look. Do some self reflecting. Some of you guys are so disconnected from yourselves, your heart, your inner pain and feelings of helplessness that you act just as fucked up as the guy next to you getting fucked up.
Nikki doesn't like a man who is all complicated and hard to figure out. Some of you guys play so many games it makes Nikki's head spin. You are not honest with yourselves about how you really feel and act out in all kinds of crazy ways.
Life is already complicated, Nikki needs a man who is simple, transparent and easy to figure out. Not a man who SAYS all the right things but DOES all the wrong things.
Nikki likes an intellectual challenge but not when it comes to men. I do not like guys who make me feel like I have to figure them out
Whether conscious or unconscious, it almost seems like some guys get saadistic pleasure out of being completely obtuse, chaotic and unpredictable. He'll look at you all sweet and sincere and say
Next sentence he blindsides you with his bullshit
Like they enjoy making you feel good then bad all at the same time
You get blindsided by all kinds of bullshit and never know which way you're going
Some guys start make you wonder what in the hell their parents did to them and why they keep trying to take it out on you
Terrell Owens gets hammered on Dr. Phil
Terrell Owens is Broke, After Playing 15 Years and Making $80 Million
Meanwhile they act like nothing is wrong with them
You can try to tell me I need help, but then why do you want to be around me if I need so much help? Whose supposed to "help" me? You? Who is supposedly "normal"??? You?
The difference between me and you is I know I have issues, I've worked on my issues and I CONTINUE to work on my issues. Don't try to come at Nikki with your bullshit and expect to stick around. Don't point fingers at me as if you don't have work to do your own damn self
I like people who know how they feel and what they are feeling. I like people who express what they think and how they feel even if we disagree. I don't like people who say "I'm not mad" when all their actions prove they are mad or hurt. I like people who don't just gloss over their own feelings, pretend like nothing is wrong and then lash out at you in other ways to get back at you. I don't like the kind of people where for days on end, I'm trying to figure out why they did what they just did or do what they do. I don't like people that have me so puzzled that a week later I finally figure out the solution to their childish antics and the games they try to play
"It takes a special kind of woman to choose and marry a passive aggressive man. The woman who marries thepassive aggressive man was taught in her family of origin to accept a high level of frustration for a minimal level of love and caring. When a woman marries the passive aggressive man she gets little return for all her effort.
What does that mean? How about we use me as an example. When I was a child my father was constantly withdrawing from my mother."
Yeah of course Nikki couldn't stand growing up being controlled and dominated so she picked up all the qualities of the "nice girl" trying to be "nice" like her father but after reading all my old posts, it will become abundantly clear that acting like that didn't serve Nikki well. The fact that I even use my blog itself to express all the things I don't know how to say to a person is passive aggressive in and of itself. Nikki is a work in progress and because she grew up around people with explosive anger problems (with the exception of her dad), Nikki is learning how to change her ways slowly but surely. AND, when she recognizes behaviors in people early on that she knows are toxic to her and make her feel awful, she knows now to walk away. She knows that she does not have to stick around or try to fix anybody. Therefore, one thing she hates now is guys who act like this because yeah it's great for a little girl who has a warm loving caring FUN empathic father who has a hard time saying no to anybody but it SUCKS to be in any kind of relationship with people who act this way.
In my 40+ years of life experience, I have learned that there are some people who work real hard trying to get in and be in your life. On the outside they look and act all kind and friendly like they care and want to be your friend:
Friends like this are an absolute fucking NIGHTMARE. In women, I have a lot more tolerance and patience for it because I expect feminine women to be much more sensitive, nurturing and emotional. Although, still, I find that people like this are almost the worst kind because they smile in your face and sometimes don't even realize that they have malicious intent in their heart. It doesn't show through their words but their actions (or inactions). They are hurt or angry or whatever the fuck it is that they are feeling, refuse to simply acknowledge and accept their own feelings and then go find someone to psychologically bring down and beat on to make themselves feel better.
I have had to wash the slate clean of my entire life. Divorce, career, not closely involved with most of my family. This is TRULY a NEW beginning. So there's no way in hell that Nikki is going to repeat the same fucking nightmares with the same types of people. Nikki doesn't agree with a whole lot of opinions this guy has but some of them she does agree with. But what she really likes about guys like him is they are passionate and unafraid to speak their mind OPENLY. I LOVE guys like that. To Nikki they are funny and their raw honesty and emotion is appreciated. There's no guesswork because they are up front and straightforward. I don't agree with everything this guy says but he doesn't care if you agree or not, he's just telling the world what he thinks and how he feels. I like that in a person
Same is true for George Jefferson. He's connected to his feelings and emotions and he expresses openly what he thinks AND how he feels. In this episode, you can't see it but it's funny when Loiuse asked him to go to the art class and he said "HELL NO...." That was hilarious. Nikki understands that she grew up with a problem of not being able to express herself openly hence the blogs being a wonderful outlet. When a person is open and honest about how they feel without making you wrong or right about how you feel, that feels much nicer and more intimate then always playing guessing games and having to hide feelings. I much prefer real discussions and real feelings
One time I got into it with this guy I was seeing and we got into a pretty passionate yelling match as we sometimes did and it was funny because a lot of times he would let me say all that I had to say and then I would let him do the same. So in this particular instance we were on the phone yelling at each other one at a time. Nikki: FUCK YOU. Him: FUCK YOU BACK. And honestly, as he was in his emotions yelling at Nikki...Nikki was getting pretty turned on. The thing is that he wasn't prone to having emotional outbursts or getting outwardly mad all the time so sometimes when he did, get all up in his feelings, it was a huge turn on. He would be mad going off on a tirade and Nikki would no longer be mad but turned on.
She likes that honesty, passion and raw emotion. That heat, passion, fire and intensity....it was working for Nikki. His anger was real and justified but Nikki didn't feel like it was out of control and because she felt safe, his passionate intensity was a turn on. After a while, Nikki was no longer even listening thinking about how cute he was all mad and what she wanted to do to him...
I'll take an honest asshole over a passive aggressive game playing "nice guy" any day. I do not like guys who lie, I don't like guys who make a bunch of empty promises and I don't like guys who say a bunch of shit they think you want to hear then don't live up to any of it. I HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. If you don't mean it, if you can't do it, DON'T SAY IT. You don't like it when people do it to you so don't do it to me.
You don't like shady women and I don't like shady men. Nikki likes guys who are straight up. I never read the book, Mode One, but I've heard this guy on blogtalk and Nikki loves that upfront straight forward type shit. At least it's honest.
Trained and prone to intellectualizing, Nikki is a lover who needs a warrior. She needs the kind of man who brings her out of her head and back into her body and her heart.
Straight forward guys you don't have to figure out make Nikki feel some kind of way
A man who is complicated and playing games keeps Nikki in her head trying to figure him out. This kind of man does not make Nikki feel good. I'm not talking about a new-agey feeling type gushing type of always in his feelings kind of dude either. I'm talking about a man who has feelings, knows what he feels inside rather than a man who is emotionally absent and acts out his anger and emotions in unconscious or consciously malicious ways
The problem with a man especially who is angry, hostile and has not dealt with his OWN issues is that he has a lot of rage. Deep down even though he's acting all nice, at any moment, he's prone to losing his damn mind when you tell him something he doesn't want to hear or if he's having a particularly rough time. Guys like this, covert or overt, are scary, unpredictable, and demonic with deep emotional scars that need to be addressed. You see, I dealt with a man for 20 years who never yelled, never hit, never was prone to emotional outbursts however listen to him talk now that he is revealing who he REALLY is an was https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jeIGzNaIs0
He was a so-called "nice guy" with deep and profound anger that he could never express openly in our relationship. And now listen to him. The nigga is CRAZY and he can now act completely crazy because he has financial control, he knows his baby mama is stuck because they have 3 kids together, she puts up with his outbursts and rage and he's a complete LUNATIC
Nikki knows all about the passive aggressive nice guy and all they ever do is point fingers at you and try to make everyone else believe you are the crazy one., the wrong one, the angry one. Nikki also knows all about being the fake nice person because she spent her life doing the same kind of shit just in different ways. My ex-husband had the same kind of mother I did and his father was killed when he was a baby. Even though I had a father that was physically present, he was emotionally absent and passive so we just repeated the same dynamic.
So I'm going to say this to one particular super passive aggressive guy I know which hopefully will be a message from Nikki to any and all of you guys with the same issue.
The thing that you need to know is NIKKI SEES THROUGH YOUR BULLSHIT and she doesn't like it. Nikki is 46 years old, not 26 years old. Yes you're cute but unlike most women, you don't get to pass go for being cute. Nikki meets cute guys all the time. Cuteness doesn't give you a get out jail free card.
The thing about Nikki you may or may not notice is that Nikki doesn't always talk a lot in certain situations. She is very observant. She sees and watches how you interact with other people. She listens. Her ears are open. Just because you may treat Nikki differently, she can see through you by the way you treat other people (especially women) and the things you say about them. She also sees how you manipulate people and you are very good at it. Probably because you don't even know you're doing it.
But, Nikki peeped your game right from the beginning from the moment you stepped into her life. WHY? Because by now, Nikki has a long ass pattern of dealing with people like you and it's much easier to see than she could before.
She gave you a chance and let you come in closer and your actions PROVE exactly what she already noticed about you. You think because you put Nikki up on a pedestal, compliment her, etc she doesn't notice how you treat, trash and disrespect other women? NIKKI SEES YOU MAN and SHE SEES RIGHT THROUGH YOU. Whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, you are angry as hell and HOSTILE and it leaks out in all kinds of ways.
You wanna tell Nikki she needs help just because she doesn't agree with you and doesn't want to fuck with you and you are entitled to your opinion. However, Nikki is very happy with who Nikki is now days and who she is becoming so she doesn't really give a fuck about your opinion. If I need so much help then get the fuck on then. Look at my website, my youtube channel, my life. Clearly I have spent years and years around LOTS of people and I know you can be just like another ship passing through the night.
Nikki likes her alone time and time to herself and it's way better to be alone than to be in bad company. Nikki knows that and given the choice to be alone versus spending time with someone who doesn't ultimately make her feel all that great, she will choose alone every time.
Yes, you are a good guy however, you are not and have not dealt with your issues and that makes you act out in ways that Nikki can't stand and because you are hypersensitive and prone to attack in maliciously covert manipulative ways, Nikki doesn't know how to tell you all this. She has no idea whether you are going to come with a sneak attack with your manipulative mind fucking bullshit OR go ballistic.
IT DOESN'T MATTER because Nikki's is not interested in wasting her time trying to fix you.
The problem is that Nikki loves you as a person and has a great deal of empathy because she can see completely through to your heart and she understands your pain and resultant shenanigans. You are, after all, Nikki's mirror.
But you force Nikki to ask herself, okay why is he here in my life and the answer is because Nikki needs to be more emotionally honest herself. She has a great deal of tenderness and sympathy in her heart for you, all that you've been through, all that you are going through and how that manifests in your behavior. Nikki loves you and doesn't want to abandon you however because you will not deal with your own issues and get the help YOU clearly need, Nikki loves you 100% but only likes you probably about 20-30% of the time. NIKKI FEELS HORRIBLE about that but it's the truth.
You have said many times I love you, I miss you, I'm so glad you are back in my life but the thing is that Nikki KNOWS you and can see that you are not dealing with some things going on inside of you and Nikki just can't open her heart and her space to someone so disconnected from themselves. Nikki is a very very deep passionate sensitive "in tune" person. She doesn't deal with people on the surface level. She can read through your games and emotional dishonesty all day long and she doesn't like having fake fraud friendships. Nikki is DEEP. She is empathic. She LISTENS. She KNOWS.
The Four Archetypes of the Mature Masculine: The Warrior Read more at: http://tr.im/LVGoi
"The Sadist’s disgust at weakness is linked to the boyhood Hero archetype. The Hero tries to break away from his mother and from feminine energy in general as he seeks to become his own man. But adult men who are still insecure about being “man enough” project this insecurity onto others. He hates what he fears is within himself. Read more at: http://tr.im/LVGoi"
"The Masochist is the passive shadow in the tripartite Warrior archetype, and its attributes closely parallel those of the boyhood Hero archetype’s cowardly shadow. A man possessed by the Masochist feels he is powerless. He is a push-over who has no personal boundaries and will let others walk all over him. He may hate his job or the relationship he’s in and complain about it, but instead of quitting, cutting his losses and moving on, he digs in and tries harder to be who his boss or girlfriend wants him to be and takes even more abuse. Because while he might complain about the pain, he really likes it. This is the man who enjoys being the martyr. Read more at: http://tr.im/LVGoi"
Deal with yo issues. You gon' bring funk to Nikkiland, bring the good kind
It is impossible to be a good close friend to Nikki and expect her not to feel you deep from within. Surface level bullshit acquaintance, YES, but a real friendship. No. She feels your pain, she listens to you, she knows who you really are and when you ACT OUT, she sees it for what it is, but she's not here to be dumped on. She already has enough that she herself is working on and she expects to allow in her INNER circle people who have the courage to do the same. It is an act of courage to be WIDE OPEN, but you cannot survive in Nikkiland surfing in shallow waters. I mean we can hang out once in a blue moon, see each other in passing and all that shit but we won't be real friends. If you cannot deal with your baggage and get the help YOU need, Nikki loves you but she will abandon you just like everyone else has in your life.
As previously stated, Nikki is working on Nikki and will continue to "do the work" on Nikki. However, don't think you can walk up in Nikkiland and be part of the inner circle acting like a jackass. You wanna roll with #teamNikki, don't come at her acting like yo' shit don't stink
Life your life however you want to. Be whoever you want to be. You don't think you need help and it's all in Nikki's head, that's cool. You can think whatever you want to think. Nikki is not here to tell you what to do. Nikki is not here to tell you how to live your life. Nikki knows the Universe is abundant and when one door closes another one opens. I'll see you in the streets and out on the circuit. We can still be cool with everything as is. Be yourself and DO YOU BOO BOO but you won't be doing it with Nikki. Simple as that.
I like guys who know they are "the shit". I love it when everything about them exudes confidence and they are not afraid to shine. Nikki doesn't really like men who talk excessively (unless they are funny) but she loves a super confident man who truly believes in himself from the inside out and knows he's great. Cocky is okay with Nikki if you can back it up
Yeah it's definitely okay to have your feelings and emotions
And it's great to be smart and all intellectual but some of you guys are so caught up in your head thinking and analyzing that you are super BORING. You're thinking too much and feeling too little.
If you are silly and like to have fun, if you make your own self laugh all the time, if you don't always have to be all uptight, you're at least going to get Nikki's attention. She loves a guy who has fun and can make her laugh
In order to be an honest person, I suppose you also have to have the capacity and capability of being honest with yourself. And Nikki loves people who are like that. Sometimes admittedly instead of Nikki just saying point blank, LOOK, I DON'T LIKE YOU or I LOVE YOU BUT I DON'T LIKE YOU, Nikki has a hard time because she doesn't want to hurt someone's feelings. But sometimes even when you tell the truth, make it plain and obvious, some people still won't give up, let go and move on
You can hit them over the head with the truth and they still won't listen
A guy who thinks he knows everything and never listens has got to be up there with one of the worst kinds of annoying guys to be with
Some guys' instincts and timing are just so far off that Nikki doesn't even know what to say anymore
When Nikki says she needs a warrior, that is after years of a lot of inner work and determining what kind of man feels good to Nikki.
"...In general, modern culture is not comfortable with Warrior energy. The advent of mechanized warfare during the first half of the 20th century dampened the romantic ideal of martial courage. Since the social and cultural revolutions of the 60s and 70s, we’ve generally taught boys and men to avoid confrontation and conflict and to instead nurture their “feminine side.” The result is the Nice Guy; the man who will avoid confrontation and aggression even when confrontation and aggression are justified.
Society pushes men to be sweet and sensitive, because they fear them becoming coldly stoic, abusive, and destructively angry. But society’s perception of the Warrior archetype is not based on the Warrior energy in its full, healthy manifestation, but on the archetype’s shadows.
The problem is not Warrior energy itself, but Warrior energy that is not used in harmony with the other masculine archetypes and directed by empathy, contemplation, and order. Fighting itself is not bad, the question is simply: What is a man fighting for?
The Warrior’s energy is needed not only in times of war, but on all the battlefields of life. Properly tapping into the Warrior’s energy provides a man with an unsurpassable power source which will fuel him to reach his goals, fight for worthy causes, achieve greatness, and leave a lasting legacy. Read more at: http://tr.im/LVGoi"
As I've written before, I've tried "wearing the pants" in the relationship and it doesn't work for Nikki. Nikki cannot stand beta males, she likes a dominant man (NOT DOMINEERING). Some guys just don't know the difference but you can usually tell by the guy who is dominant over everyone and everything just by his beingness vs the guy who is trying to dominate his woman or the women around him because he is weak and is just looking for someone to control.
Maybe the difference is subtle but from what I've noticed, usually a dominant person draws people to them and they naturally just let them take the lead. A domineering person is always looking for someone to boss around and preys upon people they perceive as weaker. I'm not a psychologist though, I'm just explaining the difference that I've seen and how a guy makes me feel. I think being dominant is an inner state that exudes power. Being domineering is an inner state that exudes powerlessness and insecurity. I did a google search and found that I generally agree with this article: Dominant vs. Domineering
I love dominant men but I hate domineering men. And I guess that is kind of in the eye of the beholder. Some men just naturally make me feel like I can submit fully to their dominance and other men make me feel like
I think it really has to do with observing them in their environment. Are they dominant PERIOD or are they just trying to dominate Nikki? If they are dominant period, that is a super duper turn on. I mean a guy can do the same exact thing and one guy turns me on, the other just repulsive
I notice some guys think they are acting like a man when they are nothing even close. And it's because they are ACTING like what they think is supposed to be a man when they don't really FEEL like a man on the inside. They have no idea what it means to feel like a man so they do what they think is "ACTING" like a man. There's a difference and I think most women can feel it.
Just because you're in a grown man's body doesn't make you mature. You can keep saying you're grown but anyone can SAY it.
I'm not the type of woman that will cheat but I do understand why women get to the point where either they do or they get sick of dealing with a sorry ass dude and find someone else. This is also the reason Nikki insists on not letting in a man fully into her heart that doesn't have his shit together. She shuts the door on the man that isn't right for her and does her best to keep that door shut although sometimes it can be a challenge. She already knows the potential pitfalls ahead for settling for a man she doesn't respect and who does not and cannot provide what she needs. Unmet needs in a relationship always make things go left
I like to be pretty and I don't mind a lot of traditional things some women may think are chauvinistic. As I stated in a previous post, I tried feminism and I hated it. I am pretty on a budget and don't have to have the latest trendy whatever. I am not impressed with a man wearing the latest $200 jeans although I realize I should probably pay more attention to stuff like that from now on to avoid losers.
I don't have anything financial to offer a man. NOTHING. Yes, I have a ten year old Infiniti G35 with 200k miles on it that I paid for a long time ago but I have no assets, no money, NOTHING that can add to a man's financial life. NOTHING. I am not a sugar mama. Far from it. I have a lingering tax issue with my ex-husband that has me in serious financial straits just to keep it real so my finances are totally fucked up. I have nothing financial to offer anyone let alone a man. Only my past successes, ambition, intelligence and determination to succeed once again.
I have a lot to offer to the right kind of man but you gotta have yo' shit together cuz I DON'T. I need someone who can help me solve my problems not create more problems for me. Nikki finances are kicking her in the ass right now
I am intelligent in spite of a lot of stupid decisions I make. And when I love I love big and hard. If I'm your fan, I am your biggest fan and will go hard in the paint for you. I am loyal. I don't sleep around. I don't play games with a man's heart...at least not anymore. I've grown out of that. I am not a walking version of love and hip hop.
It may take time for Nikki to open up, but Nikki's heart is big and her love is real. It's basic. It's fundamental. Nikki's love is affectionate, tender and sweet.
I love myself. I"m in love with life and living in spite of any outer circumstances. Because of my deep inner well of love, I fall in love or love others sometimes stupidly and in a very naive way. Nikki has a huge heart and the love of herself she will extend to her soul mate.
But when you're out you're out and you will know it. And when Nikki's love faucet shuts off, it's a sad day for you. When you're written off the ledgers, it's even worse because will I love you until I don't feel that way anymore and when I don't, I can't help it...I can't change it. The love is there in my heart but the desire to have you in my space/psyche/inner world is not. Just ask my ex-husband who once declared we will always be friends....
NOPE. I make acquaintances/friends and meet people hella easy so unfortunately, it's easy for me to move on once I have FINALLY declared you a write-off. It's just that I loved you big, and you lost it and now Nikki's love has moved on.
Too many people who have known me, know this is true about me. It's an internal switch I don't control. Perhaps if I was better at keeping dead friendships and relationships going, I would be better at having someone to call upon when I need something. LOL at the irony. But I'm not good at that. To be honest. If I've written you off and declared that it's time to move on, that's exactly what I do.
Also. If you are approaching me for professional work but have romantic intentions please know that I am difficult. I am not easy. I am a prude, a loner, a daddy's girl at heart and a germaphobe. You are wasting your time if you think a bunch of "Talk" is going to get me in the sack. I'm BORING. BORING BORING in that respect. I may have a sexy imagination but I'm the girlfriend/boyfriend type of loyal chick not sleep my way to the top type of girl. If you get my contact information because you want to work with me professionally, then get on with the actual professional WORK. Contracts, gigs, MONEY, CASH, CHECKS whatever. You'll be speaking my kind of language if you're talking about MONEY and making money together not fucking.
IF WE'RE WORKING TOGETHER NIKKI IS
I'm a gold digger now so if you cannot provide or don't want to, stick to your kind and don't call Nikki cuz clearly when Nikki needs something she cannot call on you. My needs are just as important to me as yours are and I am tired of grown ass males who don't act like men.
Have your shit together or skip me because now, I'm a gold-digger and I'm gonna be AWESOME at it or do my best to try.