The thing is that I can be a very very very super soft-hearted kind sweet loving person. I mean some of the smallest things can soften my heart and turn me into a big crying mushball. Case in point I just wanted to jump through my screen and shower this little boy with so many hugs and kisses because I hate to see him in pain crying. I suppose that's the estrogen in me that makes me feel this way.
I have 46 years of bullshit and spells I'm trying to break and therefore some themes are going to sound a little redundant. But at least my stories are fresh and funny even if the theme is similar.
I only have 2 people remaining in my life that are "close" to me and keep on acting like they expect me to be this sweet little girl all the time while they continue to show that they don't REALLY care about me when I have spent far too long and far too much energy caring about them.
One of these two is about to find out (once again) that I'm not going to always be sweet and that I'm still exploring the depths of how mean and crazy I can become. I thank god for him because he has been good practice for me learning to toughen up and teach people how to do a better job respecting me
I may look like an angel and I may give the sweetest of my sweet and tender side to you
Over the course of a year and a few months, we have done nothing but get together, fight, fall apart, get together, fight, fall apart, etc. On the one hand it may seem kind of stupid and a retarded pattern for me to keep putting myself through, but in all actuality, it has been a wonderful healing process helping me EXORCISE my demons and gain a lot more confidence.
My experiences with this person, have helped me with owning my shadow side and become a much stronger woman. What's quite interesting to observe is the meaner, bitchier and crazier I have allowed myself to openly become, the more loving, tender, affectionate, authentic and genuinely kind I seem to be when all is well in Nikkiland. Which is about 70-90% of the time depending on what's happening.
Somehow it must be the knowing that I can take care of myself and protect my soft sweet self by letting "crazy Nikki" loose when needed. Even though it has been quite an annoying process, this guy has actually been a catalyst for a phenomenal amount of growth in myself and he has been a tremendous force in pushing me to come out of my shell.
When I first met him and started dealing with him, he bullied me, manipulated me and played on my insecurities quite a bit. In many respects I cannot be mad at him or about him because this has been an ongoing pattern with me throughout my life. It may sound odd but life for me has been a series of crazymaking "wicked witches" and "wizards" just like the movie the Wizard of Oz (or The Wiz). I SWEAR.
I'm happy that I'm conscious enough now to recognize it and courageous enough to "talk" about it. When I look back on general patterns of people in my life, it has mostly been evil mean-spirited cold-hearted self-centered greedy narcissistic selfish domineering controlling bullying grandiose manipulative emotionally dead wicked women and larger than life "Wizard" type men that I'm looking to rescue me when he really turns out to be some loud mouth boastful arrogant insecure coward hiding behind a big facade. OR it has been some HYBRID combination of both. This has kind of been my pattern and what I have gravitated towards. Or what has gravitated towards me.
I have been a magnet for narcissistic people.
"...So what does a Narcissist find attractive in others: 1. Niceness. A willingness to compliment others and a reticence to criticise. A tendency to promote the positive traits of others and to overlook anything which might be negative. A desire to put the pleasure of others before your own. You make the needs of others your priority over your own needs. To please. To do what others want to do. A need to be liked and a horror of being disliked. This is attractive because Narcissists need an endless supply of reassurance that they are wonderful, intelligent, talented, gifted, beautiful, and the most amazing person you have ever met. Their self image is a balloon which is constantly deflating and they can’t blow it up themselves, they need others to fill it with air for them. This is what is primarily known as Narcissistic supply. If compliments are withheld a Narcissist will have a tantrum because they are panicking due to the deflating balloon. Thus Narcissists will surround themselves with Yes men and women who are too afraid of them to ever say No. If you ever say No you will be discarded and bad mouthed to the other Yes men and women. An example will be made of you to discourage mutiny in others....."
Prior to my father's murder when I still had him around, I did not have this pattern. Back then I drank and got high all the time to numb my pain and actually had pretty decent caring friends around me. I was emotionally unavailable to them but as far as I can recall, they were good to me and loyal. My friendships back then were based on me being the crack up, the class clown, the crazy fool because I was fucked up all the time. And it's true, I was pretty crazy and hilarious. Always ready to party. Me and my girlfriends didn't have a relationship based on shared tears and heartfelt sentiments. It was mostly just cracking jokes, capping on people having fun and partying.
Back in those days, Nikki THOUGHT that she was shy and she did not know how to reach out to other people and make her own friends so after all these people left her life, she became even more depressed and lonely.
She got a boyfriend who became her best friend but they got high together and fought physically. She can say it was domestic violence but really they were both violent towards each other and very self destructive. If there were two people who thought they cared about each other but didn’t care much about their life or living, it was them. Drunk and high all the time.
Then Nikki’s father was murdered and her boyfriend went to jail.
That is when Nikki’s pattern of picking the most obnoxious loud mouthed overt narcissists started when Nikki connected with a cousin who became a very close “friend.” This cousin is someone that they never wanted to hang out with or have around before because of her behavior and loud-mouthed attitude but all of a sudden this cousin became appealing to her and this is when this got into full swing.
I’m not saying this cousin was horrible to Nikki. There were many times when Nikki had issues or problems and this cousin would be there but it was a very very low quality friendship not based on real emotions. It wasn’t the typical “girlfriend” type of experience.
Nikki also did not have a voice in the outside world nor in her home with her mother. She did not know how to ask for things, Nikki did not know how to completely make her own decisions, Nikki did not know how to make connections with healthier people. She could express her crazy side while drunk or high or even pretending to be, but not so much when sober.
Even if healthier people wanted to connect with her and be friends, Nikki was PRONE to chose this type because they made her feel safe. She could live vicariously through their bold outrageous obnoxious behavior rather than exhibit it herself.
Back in High School, she could be that person because she always knew that with her father she had support and someone who would financially take care of her. Maybe not emotionally and psychologically. But definitely financially. But after he was killed, not only did she ultimately have to move back home but she did not feel safe. AT ALL and she got drunk and high A LOT.
When you are getting drunk and high all the time, you are not an emotional person so you are not going to be friends or closely connected to people who have emotional needs. Nikki connected with people emotionally dead inside just like her. Not people she would describe as “needy.” I can imagine that there are several people who could come back and say “Nicole you were a real bitch back then” and I would be shocked but when I really think about it, it was probably true. I was mean to myself on the inside and connected with people who were mean to the world on the outside rather than seeking out relationships with real warm and genuine love and support.
Her friendships were not based on real emotions or REALITY period. Nikki didn’t have any feelings or she denied all of them
With her father dead, and Nikki no longer inebriated, all of a sudden she needed that kind of bold audacious friend to go out into the world and do the things she was afraid to do and say the things she was afraid to say.
Nikki also met the boy who eventually would become her husband (13 years later). The jacked up part about that is that while Nikki had the co-dependent/Narcissisus type pattern running on the outside world, it was the opposite at home. She was very cold and unloving, controlling, hyper-critical, demanding, dominating, dismissive and all other kinds of things towards her “boyfriend.”
He would do everything she wanted and anything she said at the time. He wanted to get married right away and Nikki would not marry him. In fact, it wasn’t until Nikki finally let her guard down in the relationship 4 years later that things started to change between them. Plus the whole time Nikki was a workaholic, shopaholic, foodaholic, you name it she was addicted to it so there was no real deep emotional connection between them. How could there be?
At this time, Nikki is not has not and does not know how to deal with her feelings and doesn’t even know what the hell she feels. In fact it wasn’t until she FINALLY went to see a therapist in 2002, after completely losing her damn mind, that she even knew what a feeling was. The therapist said “how did that make you feel?” And Nikki was like “feeling what do you mean? Give me some names of feelings.” She did not even know how to name her own feelings. ESPECIALLY ANGER AND RAGE.
And her mother said “I don’t even know why you need to go to therapy. Just focus on your work and you will be fine.”
The Narcissistic Behavior Translator
A lot of people I have met will talk about a relationship issue and it’s all “he did this and he did that” or visa versa and they never seem to self-reflect and ask themselves why this pattern has emerged in their lives. They never seem to say “but what did I do?” and “where is my responsibility in this?” They never say, wow why are all my past boyfriends alcoholics? Why do I keep having the same types of friendships and relationship problems no matter who I pick? They never look at themselves and what is going on inside of them.
Some people don’t understand that I’m TALKING about the past but I’m not living in it. And the only reason why I’m talking about it is to heal from it so it doesn’t manifest in my life anymore. To release it and let it go.
Some idiots don’t understand it because they are too outer directed, ashamed, lying to themselves, addicted to outer things or whatever the problem is. I’m not a psychologist I don’t know exactly what THEIR problem is but I know what has helped Nikki is Nikki speaking her own truth and telling things the way SHE sees it. And if you look at all of what Nikki has done in her life and all the people she has connected with, WHO EXACTLY IS LIVING IN THE PAST? NOT NIKKI.
Nikki’s mother could say, “I don’t understand why you have to talk about the past” and yet she doesn’t connect the dots that she manifested relationships that reflected things that went on in HER past. And of course the pattern repeats itself in her dynamic with Nikki. She doesn’t care to see it that way and Nikki doesn’t care about fixing her either, only her own self.
Three Steps to Emotional Healing That Lasts
The Pain We Deny Is Killing Us
So connecting the dots to her current “refakesionship” or “situationship” means that the story isn’t linear because it is all rooted in subconscious patterns built from her past. She has people showing up in her life to tell her HEY NIKKI, FIX THIS!
Nikki doesn’t need to tell a story linearly at this time because first of all Nikki knows it’s just a pattern and a construct of her mind. And secondly, Nikki cannot tell a story without her inner guide, her higher self gently interrupting and saying BUT WAIT you’re lying about that. Not in a mean critical way but just in a “tell the truth” way. Nikki is CONSCIOUS of her inner world and takes the time to LISTEN to her higher self.
Of course, Nikki has evolved and knows so much more now than she did back then. Nikki is not writing a tell all book (YET) in the way that the reader needs to understand a story linearly anyway. At this point in time, Nikki is just writing as a means of release and if anyone understands it and ultimately wants to pay her for it, that’s a bonus she’s absolutely happy to receive. She doesn’t even give a rat’s ass that she keeps changing from first person to third person mixing past and present because AN EDITOR can figure all that out if this was about writing a book in linear sequence. But that’s not exactly what this is at this time. This is free form writing for healing with a mix of entertainment. If Nikki can make her own self laugh in the process of exposing her humanity then maybe the world will be better for it. And if not the world, at least Nikki will be better for it.
In the past, Nikki would never want to hold up a mirror to her own self and her behavior. Nikki didn’t like what she would see. Nikki needed to numb out and be numb. In denial. Her inner thoughts haunted and tormented her so she never heard this soft loving tender gentle voice inside of her who would guide her to the truth.
Nikki up to a certain point spent her life INTERNALLY like
I can’t sit here and tell a whole story of innocence and forget the fact that I was a complete ASSHOLE to my ex-husband in the very early stages of our “refakesionship.” It would bother me if I didn’t at least put out and paint a more balanced picture since this is a public post. Seems unfair. I can rant in my own personal journal and feel sorry for myself but I have to take some responsibility for my own ghastly behavior as well.
It’s kind of easy to forget about the early stages when I was a hyper-critical domineering and controlling bitch because he was such a horrible beast in the end, most especially after I finally agreed to marry him. Nikki didn’t have healthy relationship skills because she never grew up seeing one modeled. So she didn’t know what the hell she was doing. Simple as that.
When she started getting therapy and started journaling and meditating, she was more spiritually oriented and centered. As her happiness grew and she became more loving towards herself and to him, the bigger asshole he became.
And quite frankly, I notice a similar dynamic even currently. I notice there are SOME people that the nicer you are to them, the meaner they are to you. Rather than the opposite. It’s kind of weird and counter-intuitive but it’s true. You’re an asshole towards them, they kiss your ass and they are nice. You are nice to them, then they start treating you like shit.
4 Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries
Maintaining Healthy Psychological Boundaries
By having healthy boundaries and knowing she can stand up for herself and protect herself, Nikki can still have a childlike spirit without being unconsciously CHILDISH and completely naive.
In some cases, Nikki needed to learn to open up a can of whoop ass on them to show them that crazy can’t live in her space.
One guy was particularly dangerous for me because he met me at a time when I was REALLY starting to come out of my shell and speak up for myself.
He showed up in my life just in time to whip out a bunch of jesus-freakery telling me, basically, that I should be nicer and more tolerant. Actually he came at the same time as another man who showed up in my Matrix who was a real fatherly type of guy. In fact this man is about the same age as my father would have been had he been alive.
BOTH of these men came into my life basically trying to tell me to be nicer and more forgiving towards people who were historically exhibiting bad behavior. I mean it was like soon as Nikki is finally growing a pair, these two dudes show up and try to turn her back into the nice little sweet Nikki she used to be.
It was VERY DANGEROUS FOR BOTH of them to be giving me this horrible advice without knowing where and what I came from. I had just met them and already they were trying to tell me how I should live and who I should be. It was very frustrating because Nikki’s pattern is to put her life in someone else’s hands and listen to them instead of listening to herself which has lead to nothing but a bunch of bullshit.
Nikki does not need some "father knows best" type characters trying to turn her back into a nice, sweet, innocent, NAIVE good girl. Especially not someone adept at using guilt and emotional manipulation to get them to do what they want. That’s just as dangerous as an overtly domineering and controlling person. Nobody wants a person who is saying “don’t disappoint me” and “don’t make me cry because you are going to feel very bad if you do” and then guilts you into doing their bidding. NIKKI DOESN”T NEED ANY OF THAT KIND OF SHIT IN HER LIFE.
Nikki had to be super strong with her newfound father figure and tell him NO to all of his demands without feeling guilty and shamed back into being a good girl. Furthermore, it was not easy but Nikki had to say NO to that bum ass advice he gave about “forgiving her brothers” for their behavior and was honestly quite frankly happy to have “no daddy” or brother trying to tell her what to do or advise her on how she should live her life. Don’t try to keep Nikki in that “good girl” box that’s how Nikki keeps getting abused over and over again.
This is why I cannot be 100% mad at this dude and why I don’t STAY mad at him. Because it's a repeated pattern and projection and every time I make changes and adjustments, he makes changes. BUT it’s up to me to MAKE THE CHANGE.
You want to be an elder or a big brother then do big brother shit and don’t be acting all turn-the-other-cheek-jesus-freak against assholes. It is NOT OKAY to tell people you have to keep on forgiving someone because they are family. NO. If a person wants to continually act like an ass and treat you poorly YOU do not hesitate. If a person shows that they are not willing to make adjustments, YOU FORGIVE BUT YOU ALSO LEAVE.
"...You’re too nice. Your niceness is a lovely trait which many people find wonderful and attractive. You enjoy being nice. It has many perks. BUT. It is not all of you. You have a fierce side too. We all do. The Narcissist abusing your niceness is there to inspire you to claim your darker side. The side which you may be being too nice to express and thus you’re not tapping into all the power within you. A really good book to read, which I highly recommend and which helped me enormously is – The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. In it he outlines why being too nice can cost you your safety, your life and your sanity. And how balancing out your niceness with fierceness, doesn’t take away from the joy of being nice, but adds to it. Be nice, but learn to protect your right to be nice with a fierce dragon who burns those who want to take advantage of your niceness. Learn to say NO with the same enthusiasm with which you say YES...."
The most frustrating part about the younger big brother acting dude is that I kept telling him OVER AND OVER AGAIN that his advice to a former compulsively nice person was actually DANGEROUS but he would not really listen. He kept INSISTING that he wanted to change me and make me into a nicer person. Ironically, as I got to know him and spend time with him, I could see how much of a manipulator he was and how fast my psyche would be shredded if I took his interest in me more seriously. I mean this guy is extremely intelligent and capable of mind-fucking you into a sanitarium if you let him. I'm not really sure if he has an awareness of his own behavior but I didn't really stick around to find out either.
1) Savior complex but can't save his own self. I appreciated his support as I was coming off the breaking up of the jacked up situation I was already in. However, at the end of us hanging out together, this guy said "I was good to you, at least I didn't treat you like ____." In and of itself this is stupid to set the bar so low. If Nikki left the other situation because it was fucked up, telling her she should be grateful just because your poison is a little less toxic is bullshit.
2) Martyr/Victim. I already talked about in this other post I wrote NIKKI'S (W)INNER CIRCLE in terms of Nikki's OWN experience with him. But also too, in all of his stories, it was always someone else's fault in every situation he got into from getting fired, to almost getting into a fight, to his past relationships.
In fact, one time we were talking about male / female relationships and Nikki was talking about how women tend to have some traits that are different than men, generally speaking. Nikki was acknowledging that men can find this annoying in a John Gray Mars/Venus kind of way and his response was "but why are ya'll always wrong." HUGE RED FLAG
3) Even though he came off as a good super attentive listener, he also came at Nikki trying to be an "advisor". In some cases he had some good and interesting points but in other cases Nikki would feel frustrated as if she had to really strongly defend her ideas and positions.
There would be debates (for example about polygamy) where she felt like he was trying to mind-fuck her and twist things around until she submitted and agreed what he believed. And I believe trying to push her into settling into some kind of stupid idea about sharing him with other women. Nikki would end the argument simply by saying "let's just agree to disagree." It felt like he was used to being smarter than all the women around him and could easily manipulate them and Nikki was not having it.
4) He was very good and nice to Nikki but often spoke of other women in a very disparaging misogynistic fashion. This kind of person who is nice to Nikki but mean to other people is always a huge red flag.
5) Too emotional and sensitive like a woman. Prone to drama and gossip and love "spilling the tea" type conversations. At first it was great because it gave Nikki a chance to vent about the things she was currently going through but eventually it started to feel like wait a minute....is it really manly to be gossiping?
6) Triangulation and disappearing. It always felt like if I said or did something wrong that he didn't like, he would disappear or cut off contact for a while or just default to another woman to get his need met and talk about other women a lot.
He would invite Nikki to come somewhere and then later be like oh and ___ is coming too like he thought somewhere in his mind he was building some kind of harem. YES THEY WERE ONLY FRIENDS but Nikki felt like she was always being manipulated. Maybe he felt the same way about her, who knows but the bottom line is she didn't like it and Nikki has been through so much that she can handle the silent treatment like a champion.
7) Too nice, but hostile underneath the fake niceness. Like if he found someone weaker all that simping and niceness disappeared and you could see that he wasn't all that nice towards them. In the beginning he said he wanted to be "whoever you need me to be" which in one sense is very sweet and romantic but also too it left Nikki questioning. Like well who are you really?
8) Mind games. This guy is extremely smart/intelligent. Nikki likes intelligence. Not necessarily book smarts but intelligence. However, it seems like whether it was conscious or unconscious, he would plot to get under your skin and make you feel insecure. I'm trying to think of an example but I can't right now. Too bad. Also discussed is feeling like there were compliments and shade happening all at the same time.
ALL OF THIS COULD BE COMPLETELY UNTRUE AND SIMPLY THE WAY NIKKI VIEWS THE WORLD. Which sometimes can be the frustrating part of being Nikki because instead of just saying fuck it, he's an asshole and moving on, she overanalyzes things because she doesn't want to make a mistake. He had some great qualities that Nikki really appreciated very much but these red flags could not be ignored.
At the end of the day, Nikki has to go with how someone makes her feel. And when Nikki and he had a verbal disagreement and he told Nikki all this shit about "peace be upon you" and "you need to get some serious help" Nikki knew this person could not be a serious part of her life anymore in any way.
Just because you disagree with someone and take issue with something that they do, and even if you get mad, it is very dismissive and manipulative to suggest that the person is crazy and needs help. NIKKI DOES NOT LIKE THAT. THAT IS GASLIGHTING AND CAN BE EXTREMELY EMOTIONALLY DAMAGING TO THE WRONG PERSON. Just because a person doesn't see the world the way you want them too, it doesn't make them crazy. And my other point is if I'm so crazy then leave me the fuck alone until I get the help you claim I need. I do not like that. YES I'm crazy but not in the wild sense of crazy, the fun kind of rollercoaster ride crazy not Hand that Rocks the Cradle or Single White Female kind of crazy. You can call me crazy but how come if I'm so crazy you didn't say something for the last 6 months? AND WHERE IS YOUR OWN SELF REFLECTION?
This is the biggest problem I had. This guy never seemed to be wrong unless he was trying to gain sympathy and play the victim. The fact that Nikki felt so relieved to be done with being close to him should be sign enough that Nikki was not in company that was good for her.
Narcissist's Favorite Approach to a New Victim
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Red Flag of a Narcissist #3: A Good Listener/Overly Attentive
What is a Covert Narcissist Like?
Emotional Abuse 101: Toxic Friends and Victim-Blaming
Narcissists: Five Powerful Ways Narcissistic Abusers Get Inside Your Head
Red Flag of a Narcissist #1: Love bombing
How Covert Narcissists Brain Wash Their Victims
I CAN GO ON LINKING FOREVER...I HAVE A WHOLE NARCISSIST PLAYLIST DEDICATED TO MAKING SURE I DON'T REPEAT THE UNHEALTHY PATTERNS I LEARNED. I'm not saying he is a narcissist but what I am saying is that when I listen to these things and think about him, that is how Nikki experiences him. He may think that is ridiculous and crazy yet and still, I don't care. At least I am happy and he can move on to someone else.
Even though we made up on a superficial level, Nikki has not spent one day missing this guy or his company. The only thing that bothers her is that she feels bad for feeling this way. Even when he hit her up later trying to weasel his way back in, Nikki nipped it in the bud and she feels bad that she had to do that because he said he missed her but she cannot do it. After all that drama and emotional stress, Nikki definitely had a greater appreciation for the caveman type dude who may lack some sensitivity, romantic inclinations and good home training but who was much more transparent.
If you have ever gambled, especially on a slot machine, or even invested money or even time in something, sometimes you just don't want to lose. If you have ever finally DECIDED to do something and jump in and do it, sometimes it can be hard to throw in the towel. Sometimes, you don't want to give up. When you gamble, and you choose a machine or a table, you keep putting more money in thinking it will turn around any minute. You don't want to get up from the machine then find out the next person won the jackpot you were supposed to win. It's an odd psychology but it's true.
Once in a while you might win a few dollars meanwhile you keep losing hundreds or thousands. That's why when I feel like playing a slot machine now, I generally only play on my computer. I'm not great at controlling my compulsiveness. I guess deep down, I'm a very competitive person and I like to play games to win.
So then, I guess that's how the wizard's tricks would work on me because I didn't want to lose "the game."
Why Rejection by the Narcissist is a Blessing
One Trick and Lie after another
BIZARRE but I'm just keeping it real. I didn't want to lose when I took a gamble and opened my heart. I mean really, in life, who wants to take a chance on something then have to admit the blow to their ego saying oops I made a mistake? Ironically though, the more chances you take and the more mistakes you make, the more you realize it's not that big of a deal but at the time, my ego didn't know all that as it relates to this particular wizard.
And because he brought me around his whole set of friends who became like a little family to me AND I had to see him all the time, not only was I going to lose him but I was going to lose this whole entire little family that my heart became so attached to. And it caused awkwardness in other areas as well because we both are active in the same circles.
So it wasn't just going to be about losing him it was about having to lose a whole fucking group of people. And it is and WAS not always easy because to lose him meant I'd have to lose everything that was closest to my heart at the time. Also a familiar pattern.
So because of this, he was the wizard who could sometimes easily manipulate me and my emotions. It was like, if I lose him, I will lose TOO many things all at the same time. In fact at several points, I did have to walk away from the entire community and this little family I became attached to because I had to be willing to lose it all in order to save myself. It's just that simple. I would see them all and they would say "how come we don't see you anymore?" "how come you never call us" "how come you never come over anymore?" "where were you?"
And what exactly could I really say? Do you really expect me to stick around and let myself get treated this way? I mean really, if you want me to stick around, don't you think you need to teach this dude how to treat a woman? If you love me and care about me, don't I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect?
The thing is that no matter who the person is standing in front of you, you have to fix the pattern and self-reflect enough to figure out what is going on. inside of you. No matter where you go, there you are. I could have tried to move on to the second guy who blasted on the scene in a big way but it would have been the same bullshit.
Now again, this guy could have been holding up a mirror showing Nikki that he was she and this is how the world experiences her. That is also possible. No matter the motivation, Nikki needed to make some changes.
Same script, different cast.
I've had a much easier time dealing with the dysfunctional situation with the wizard behind door #1, after the experience with the wizard behind door #2.
So going back to the original wizard and some of the bullshit.... This guy has had all kinds of tricks in his little magic wizard bag. The reason I recognize them so well and was able to thwart and avert many of them is because I've seen them all before. However, sometimes he was still able to work on me, get under my skin and play on my insecurities.
And because of him, I GREW. As Reverend Michael Bernard Beckwith says you are becoming MORE and never less than your true self....or something like that he always says.
Anyway. One tactic the wizard often used is "what's wrong with you" anytime I insisted that I would NOT do something he was demanding that I do.
The wiz was always threatening to leave, always threatening to go be with someone else, always acting like he only had one toe in the water, always putting out "propaganda" making it seem like all these people want to steal him away. Always talking about how he was leaving town. I mean he used to play even small little games like "come on and dance with me" and when I refused to dance because I didn't feel like it in the moment, he would say "if you don't dance with me, I'm gonna dance with somebody else"
Where you been Nikki? WITH ME MYSELF AND I...That's where
When you've lost so many things in life, even though it can be a challenge, you'll walk away from anything. Even if it means having to walk away from everything.
AND YOU CAN'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME, THEY WILL NEVER WORK OUT WELL FOR YOU
The wiz was always in my ear and seemed larger than life. I was just scared. My ego was scared to lose and scared to be embarrassed
He would even go so far as to cling to me whenever we were somewhere where there were a bunch of men to make sure the world knew he had a claim on me. He said walking around with me made him feel like a king or a god. However, whenever a bunch of women were around he would pretend like it was so important that we act professional as if we didn't know each other. At least that's what he wanted at first. Unfortunately for him, just like EVERYTHING ELSE he has ever tried to do to me, it ended up backfiring.
At one point we ended up working around a LOT of guys who were hanging all over me and talking about how beautiful I am right in his face. THEN he hated the fact that he set a "professional" precedent. Not only did he have to stand around and watch, he could not reverse what he already set in motion. He couldn't say anything to anyone.
I've never once heard any woman express any of the grandiose stories the wiz has fabricated. YES I've seen women in his face flirting with him. I've seen women interested in him. I'm just saying NOBODY has been in my face talking about him. The ONLY thing I can possibly think of in terms of any woman saying something to me about him is this old lady with a mustache who flirts with every guy in the room and this chick who was once literally a whore who throws herself at every man when she wants something. Those are the only times I can ever recall a woman saying something to me about him. And even THEN those women are playing games trying to get in my head about him, not talking about him the way he thinks.
AGAIN...I'm not saying that women don't want him, I've seen women flirting with him...I'm not blind. Cute beautiful sexy women too. Not ugly women. I be like daaaaang she's hot. Sheeeeeeeit. LOL.
All I'm saying is that I feel like the wizard is trying to mind-fuck me with some big grandiose story about how women are always talking about him to me when it's simply not true.
I feel like he's always trying to push my buttons and make me feel jealous to make me more interested in him. Whenever we have had to have a hiatus, he's ALWAYS in some other woman's face flirting with her trying to get my attention. Trying to fuck with me. He's always telling me about how so and so wants to date him or is trying to date him and is calling him all the time asking him out. Especially this woman who has truly been like a devil for me. I mean really...that's a whole other story in and of itself.
OF COURSE since Nikki has not been good at picking good people..I actually thought I LIKED this woman as a person until she really started fucking with me BIG TIME. She's kind of been a SEDUCTIVE hybrid of the Christabella Andreoli/Jackie Heath characters in Devil's Advocate.
this woman was a cool genuine person?
And then later when she had some kids visiting her from out of town this bitch had the nerve to hint around to me that it was so hot outside maybe the kids could come over and go swimming where I live.
HELLO BITCH WE ARE NOT FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Like seriously...I may have been really naive at first but why in the world would you mess with a person as educated as Nikki who once briefly helped you with your business, knows where all your bones are buried and how you buried them? Who is really the dumb one?
At one point, she THOUGHT I was seeing another guy and started throwing herself at him too. Right in my face. It was so funny to watch him completely reject her. Why? Cuz she's a WHORE nobody with any shred of dignity and self-esteem wants. I mean she's absolutely a very beautiful gorgeous talented smart super sexy lady but at the end of the day, you can't cover up the stench of garbage with accessories no matter how good the package looks on the outside
Nikki's lesson learned: You cannot be friends with whores and/or SELF-HATING UMCHUKES (Tariq's phrase not mine..lol). And when they are all that in combination, they are nothing but the DEVIL.
Narcissistic "Love" Triangles and Emotional Unavailability
Torture by Triangulation
To draw you closer, narcissists & psychopaths create an aura of desirability—of being wanted and courted by many. It will become a point of vanity for you to be the preferred object of their attention, to win them away from a crowd of admirers. They manufacture the illusion of popularity by surrounding themselves with members of the opposite sex: friends, former lovers, and your eventual replacement. Then, they create triangles that stimulate rivalry and raise their perceived value. (Adapted from “The Art of Seduction” by Robert Greene).
Healthy relationships thrive on security; unhealthy ones are filled with provocation, uncertainty and infidelity. Narcissists like to manufacture love triangles and bring in the opinions of others to validate their point of view. They do this to an excessive extent in order to play puppeteer to your emotions. In the book Psychopath Free by Peace, the method of triangulation is discussed as a popular way the narcissist maintains control over your emotions. Triangulation consists of bringing the presence of another person into the dynamic of the relationship, whether it be an ex-lover, a current mistress, a relative, or a complete stranger.
This triangulation can take place over social media, in person, or even through the narcissist’s own verbal accounts of the other woman or man. The narcissist relies on jealousy as a powerful emotion that can cause you to compete for his or her affections, so provocative statements like “I wish you’d be more like her,” or “He wants me back into his life, I don’t know what to do” are designed to trigger the abuse victim into competing and feeling insecure about his or her position in the narcissist’s life.
Unlike healthy relationships where jealousy is communicated and dealt with in a productive manner, the narcissist will belittle your feelings and continue inappropriate flirtations and affairs without a second thought. Triangulation is the way the narcissist maintains control and keeps you in check — you’re so busy competing for his or her attention that you’re less likely to be focusing on the red flags within the relationship or looking for ways to get out of the relationship."
One trick and lie after another
It was almost like a game of one upmanship. We are both very stubborn strong-willed competitive people which is probably why we actually like each other so much. Needless to say, he would do everything in his trick bag to fuck with me and he definitely found a good whore nemesis to play right along.
Not to mention an asshole sidekick so-called friend who sometimes I would wonder "is this nigga gay?" as much as he cock-blocked and as much as the wiz let him do it. I'm like is his homeboy cockblocking because he likes me or is this nigga cockblocking because he wants to fuck him? Sometimes we would all three be out together and the two of them would be sitting together one unconsciously with his arm draped around the back of his seat and I'm like WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WHO DOES THIS?
The sidekick claimed it was "bromance" but in my mind it was some kind of homance. And the thing I really didn't like is this so-called bro was always flirting with me in front of him AND planting seeds of doubt in my head about him making me feel fearful and mistrusting. Great so-called bro right? Even though this "bro" knew we were seeing each other and that we liked each other, he was always saying things to make me doubt and "spilling the tea" like a little BEYOTCH. Again, I didn't know if this guy was cockblocking because he wanted me for himself and was jealous or because he's a closet homo.
I can't even imagine what kinds of things this s0-called bro was saying in return to make him feel insecure about me. This nigga is slimy and shady as fuck.
All this soap opera bullshit was driving me nuts. EVERYBODY IN THIS LITTLE SOAP OPERA was playing games with each other like a bunch of psychologically spiritually and emotionally dead vampires.
All these games I tried not to let get to me. It took a lot of journalling, meditation, leaving then coming back. I can say we were in a relationship but we were not. I never even changed my online status from single to in a relationship. He was still legally married pending finalization of his divorce and he didn't want his wife to know about me and mess up his divorce (or so he said.) It wasn't clear to me whether he was over her anyway.
I definitely didn't want anyone knowing about him because I wasn't sure that he was the right person for me and I didn't want to be embarrassed if it turned out the answer was "No". Plus I didn't know if I could trust him and if he was with other women so I didn't want to claim him in public anymore than he wanted to claim me really.
Over the last year we have been more OFF than ON. But this guy definitely was my teacher holding up a mirror to me to show me what I needed to fix in my own consciousness.
We had a very long almost 5 month break where we only saw each other in the community but not personally and that is part of what made a huge difference when he came back with the same kinds of games. He definitely came back a much better person, don't get me wrong. He treated me with a LOT more kindness, dignity and respect and in all actuality, I was no longer playing games like before and much more willing to open my heart. Some of that really came from stepping back and being able to see him differently as he operated with other people in the community and to also see myself differently as well. The picture I had painted of him before changed and I saw him as a nicer more open-hearted person which softened and opened my heart.
But he still had a few remnants of his game playing left over.
Some of his recent games: He tries to leave his phone open and show pictures of women he took and text messages from the demonic whore I mentioned earlier. He talks cryptically about other women to imply something that doesn't really exist just trying to mess with my mind.
But since our break, I became much more empowered. I would still feel insecure like what if there is another woman? And what if that demonic chap-lipped acne back whore finally convinces him that I'm a bad person? What if that whore wins? What if his "bro" wins with all his faggidy cockblocking? What if Aunt Bunny finally sucks him into her world of ghetto ratchedness...she can cook better than I can? What if they win and I lose?
It wasn't even like "I don't want to lose him" it was like "I don't want to lose at this game." I mean how could I be worried about losing someone I don't even really know deep down? I don't know who he is on a deep level because we both been too busy being emotionally unavailable to each other scared to leave our vulnerable hearts in each others' hands. This has all been a game about ego and winning mixed with a little shot of love in there somewhere. Emotionally unavailability and emotional honesty is something that I have really had to work on both in myself and recognizing it in others.
Thankfully I finally woke up out of the spell of my own fearful ego. Finally I started thinking RIGHT and seeing myself correctly. I was like man I need to stop being so dumb EVEN IF ANOTHER WOMAN DOES EXIST, will she REALLY be better than Nikki?
Nikki's insecurities had to GO. I needed to surrender and let go of trying to control anything. Nikki finally got to the point of either you're just gonna love me or you don't. I'm not gonna keep worrying about all these other people who are trying to take up all your time and attention and poison your mind against me.
I'm not gonna keep trippin' off these peasants.
I mean REALLY. A queen does not need to battle ho's and faggidy negroes.
Yes Nikki is competitive and loves to win but seriously doesn't it have to be against a worthy opponent?
Thankfully I finally realized that I needed to stop being so dumb acting like nobody in the world wants me and like I don't have my own shit to do...what was I thinking? I realized this was just fixations of my ego.
Narcissists: Five Powerful Ways Narcissistic Abusers Get Inside Your Head
So then I got to the point of okay fine you want her? Go get her then and good luck with that if that's what you want. Go be with that dumb bitch and you two can be illiterate, ignorant and dumb together. Just remember to check her lips before you catch a case
You wanna flirt with a girl, I will open myself to the attention and flirtations from every last dude in this room right in front of your face. You wanna play the game, I will show you I'm BETTER at it. Look at all these messages from guys in my inbox. Look at thee dudes who are willing to do things for me that you refuse to do. You think I don't have options? YOU should be worried about who is all up in Nikki's face while you're out there running around playing games NEGRO. I told him one time, YOU ARE SO LUCKY THAT I AM NOT A WHORE like the stank whores that keep chasing you.
Point is...go ahead and trot out there if you want to, abandon me if you want to, but be prepared to see me in the arms of someone else cuz nigga I don't share.
So can you imagine if Nikki WERE a whore or if she actually was romantic with every single guy out there? I mean seriously, I appreciate you and I value you I respect you and your talent. As I've gotten to know the REAL you and you the REAL me, my love, care and concern has grown for you over time. It definitely was not there at first but I just met you so how could it be? So here I am, my heart opening and you're acting like this is a game like I'm some desperate schlumpadinka that doesn't deserve to have you. THINK AGAIN.
Think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life haunted by the sound of my voice moaning and screaming another man's name. God blessed you with the gold but apparently you're ready to leave the door wide open and watch another man take your prized possession away from you
Where does being in love and having your heart broken rank
Look I'm not saying that I'm the hottest thing on the planet but I've been hit on by guys since I was little. So, if you want to try to go "toe to toe" playing that "guess who likes me game," I'm just not sure if you are going to enjoy it. For every one or two girls who hit on you, I've probably had 10 men in my face simply because men are natural hunters. Not only that, I'm in a world with MEN ALL DAY do you really think no one is trying to smash? What's funny about that is I'm pretty OBLIVIOUS to male attention unless it's super obvious or someone points it out to me because most of the time, I'm in my own little Nikki world thinking fabulous Nikki thoughts.
I've had dudes as fine as Morris Chestnut or Shemar Moore chasing me around, but yet and still, I know all attention is not necessarily good attention and what's on the inside of a person counts just as much as the outside. I mean seriously, do we really need to play that "guess who wants me" game?
Can't we just be like...hey you're hot, I'm hot, let's do the damn thing?
The thing is that I could pin this all on the wiz BUT other guys have done this to me also. When you don't give them what they want or when you tell them you are not ready, they then try to make you jealous by talking about and giving attention to another woman or several other women to save their ego. I mean I've definitely done the same thing on more than one occasion so I can't be mad. I just needed to fuckin' grow up.
Recently the wiz tried the game again by flirting with some woman right in my face. Now this woman KNOWS that me and the wiz have been trying to hang together AND she has her own man so why in the world would these two try and play a fool's game? OF COURSE it backfired because then HER MAN was all up in my face flirting with me trying to smash RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER and this chick nearly lost her damn mind. It was so funny to watch her have a meltdown.
THESE ARE CHILDISH KINDERGARTEN GAMES THAT SWEET NIKKI IS NOT INTERESTED IN BUT CRAZY NIKKI WILL PLAY TO WIN
Narcissists: Five Powerful Ways Narcissistic Abusers Get Inside Your Head (Official)
Why Victims of Narcissistic Abuse Feel Guilt
The Covert Narcissist: A Wolf In Sheep's Clothing. Pretend Codependents. Closet. Expert. Author.
The Human Magnet Syndrome Explained
Its' not the first time any of this has ever happened but hopefully it will be the last. This has happened to me in friendships, work situations, you name it. Nikki will put up with things for a long time and then she's finally reaches that "Fuck it mode" where she just doesn't give a shit anymore. I don't know if it's self-acceptance, faith, surrender or what but I get to a point where I literally do not care. Not even Tina-beating-up-Ike-in-the-Limo not caring but nom-yo-ho-reign-ge-kyo not caring. Thank god for meditation.
It is quite fascinating, a year later, to see how I have grown and evolved.
It is actually quite hilarious for me to watch the tables turning and seeing myself be strong enough to say "FUCK YOU GO SIT DOWN SOMEWHERE AND GET OUT OF MY FACE" when he starts reverting back to his old selfish bullying ways. It is super lovely to see how much HE has actually changed and changed his behavior towards me based on how much I have changed.
I've gained so much strength and I'm proud of myself. Anytime the wizard starts trying to pull out his trick bag, I'm like look you little Harry Potter mutha fucka...
Clearly Nikki is MUCH crazier than even SHE ever envisioned herself to be. These days, Nikki surprises herself.
One time one of my big bully family members told me that I needed to stop telling all my business. She said that if I wanted to write something write in a private journal. I told her but I'm going to write books, scripts, screenplays, etc one day and she said "well then it will be okay because WE will be making money from it"
Automatically assuming she's going to be getting some of the proceeds
There once was this lady who used to ALWAYS throw either overt or covert shade at me. She would always make sure she booked me for work but she would play games with me smiling in my face but making little sly slick comments about my hair, my jewelry, lipstick, etc. Jealous ass bitch.
And when I made sure I was clear about how much and when I expected to be paid for certain jobs, she started trying to play mind games with me. Then she finally had to stop playing games because no matter what she tried to do to me, clients loved me so much that she had to book me even if I wasn't kissing her ass.
This kind of bullshit is the story of my life. It's a pattern. She tried to bully me, I didn't stand for it and even though she still sees me all the time, she doesn't even acknowledge that I exist half the time. She used to be in my face all the time pretending to be nice AND THEN throwing shade and now she barely speaks to me.
Which, for me, as long as I'm making my money, I don't give a shit. We don't have to be friends. I have enough friends.
Narcissists Can't Stand YOUR Happiness!
Narcissists Don't Fool Everyone
The Narcissist and Money
The Narcissist: Psychology of Demons
Emotional Manipulators Call Us Selfish To Control Us
Traits Of A Narcissist
And when AGNES GULCH (the witch) can't do it, the flying monkeys come after you.
WELCOME TO THE TERRORDOME
Again, this is where the PEN has become MIGHTY for me because the more I speak my truth, the less bullies seem to be attacking me. Or their attacks don't work for long because they are afraid of what I might say in my blog, social media, etc.
Perfect example, the whole thing that prompted this blog today is the wiz tried to mess with me with one of his typical tactics. He borrowed something from me and because I broke things off once again with him due to his empty promises, lies and disrespect, when I contacted him about returning my item, he didn't return any of my phone calls or messages.
This is very TYPICAL behavior that could have lasted for WEEKS. I mean he has done this PLENTY of times before where he would get mad at me and ignore me. Agnes always played the same type of passive aggressive games.
He would say "I'll call you back" or "I'll holler at you later" and then NEVER CALL FOR DAYS thinking I would give in. He would try to punish me by giving me the silent treatment then call me up weeks later talking about "hey you" like nothing ever happened or say "how come you didn't call me" or "I called you" (when he didn't) or "I'm sorry for whatever I did" but not even know what he did nor care.
This time because he had something very valuable (to me) of mine, I wanted to make sure I got it back before something happened to it and I knew the wizard thought he was going to play his usual tricks by never calling me back.
So I warned him about what I was going to do and when he continued to ignore me, I DID IT.
Of course he didn't like it because he ended up getting several phone calls from people telling him to return my property. I went public. I posted on his facebook, my facebook, the internet and threatened to post a video on youtube about the situation. This is something I would have NEVER done in the past. I know he didn't like it because he called me up and yelled at me saying "did you have to go and tell the world____" and the point is YES I DID.
AND I yelled right back at him and hung up in his fuckin' face.
This is so typical of Nikki's experience that she knows the quickest way to get someone to STOP abusing and disrespecting her is to PUBLICLY call them out on their behavior because most of the time they KNOW they are doing the wrong thing and don't want anyone else to know it. If you did nothing wrong you would have nothing to hide.
Last year I had a situation where the wiz was yelling at me, disrespecting me, etc and I took my phone out and started recording him. He came over to me, grabbed my wrists and slapped the phone out of my hand. Then when I threatened to tell everybody he was begging me "please don't tell ____." AND I DID IT ANYWAY. I sent that video to several of his friends, threatened to post it on youtube and he never did it again. EVER.
It's no different than police when they are doing wrong and they try to tell you to "stop recording". Why? If you aren't doing anything wrong then what is there to hide?
Do I want or need "the world" to know everything? NO. Am I perfect? NO. Have I done things wrong that I'm embarrassed about? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT AN ANGEL.
However, THAT IS NOT THE POINT. Nikki is not going to let you mistreat and disrespect her in private and then let you get away with a victim/martyr story in public either. You are not going to control the entire story and conversation.
That's what Nikki's used to people doing to her and she's not letting them do that anymore.
Even if my actions totally pissed him off, guess who BROKE YET ANOTHER PATTERN?
Nikki. That's who.
I unleashed the devil on the wizard today and by the time we were done talking he was asking me "are we cool?".
She then feels horrible super guilty and sympathetic. Nikki has had a tendency to make too many excuses and not see CUJO clearly in her midst
Nikki's got work to do and she's getting better and better EVERYDAY
The Price We Pay No One Understands
In fact, even when there WERE times that I thought I did something GOOD for myself by standing up for myself it never seemed to work out well for me. There was one time when I was slapped in a public place in front of a huge crowd, and in anger I slapped back...I was then the only one thrown in handcuffs, BACKHANDED in the face while in handcuffs right in front of the police, threatened to be put in jail for assault and had to spend the night in a group home
Behind closed doors Agnes be like:
Full Webinar: The Cause of Codependency & Narcissism. How & Why.
I have to be honest even though I know it's going to really piss some people off. The thing is that psychologically damaging dysfunctional pathological diabolically abusive behavior is sometimes seen as normal and even funny in the black community.
I remember one time I was in a situation where I observed this lady screaming at a group of young girls saying "if you don't be quiet I'm gonna knock your teeth out." Another woman was telling me how her daughter was giving her lip and she punched her daughter in the face for it. And I was like "Really?" and she said yes like it was no big deal and happens all the time. I was thinking...wow....have you EVER considered that your behavior might be the reason she tried to commit suicide? I mean I'm not close to the situation so I don't know for sure but THAT IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another guy was telling me about how his daughter was getting out of line and he went to her school and whipped her in front of her entire classroom.
I'm not a psychologist and I don't have children so I cannot say what I would do but I don't think this kind of behavior fosters healthy self-esteem in children and I think it's actually fuckin' CUCKOO. That is why sometimes I cannot hang around certain black people because I VEHEMENTLY disagree with some of the ways that they think and they all have this GROUP way of thinking that makes them right and you wrong.
If I had a daughter and someone threatened to touch her or knock her teeth out I'd probably be ready to pound that bitch into the dirt. I'm not joking.
The reason I'm saying this is because EVEN IF OR WHEN Nikki would say something about a particular situation, no one would ever think it's crazy because, honestly, there are a lot of people who ARE crazy and think crazy behavior is normal. Simple as that.
So EVEN IF you are right, you're wrong and the bad person. No matter what you say or do, you are the bad person and the scapegoat for even speaking up. Therefore, you lose.
Agnes has the game on lock, controls the communication and the story and is able to paint a vivid picture of her sainthood. When she can't control you, her minions do it for you
So most of Nikki had to go into hiding just to survive. It's hard to really be yourself when nobody around you wants to experience who you really are.
Since I pretty much have started my entire life fresh (I'm at about 95% fresh start with a little bit of work left to do), I no longer have to live in fear or terror...almost. In fact, there are a couple of times, I have even had to say to some people, I don't give a fuck if you kill me or if I have to die...I will not let you do it. You are not going to treat me this way.
And so crazy Nikki is finally coming out to play in this world again. Some people may not like it and it's too bad for them
In fact, the other day, I went into a screaming crying rampage with this guy, took a big bowl of his food and hurled it into the dumpster, threw some dishes out the window, smacked him in the face a little bit and tried to kick him out of my car. Not literally but screaming GTFO. To be honest even though I felt like I was being a raging lunatic, it actually felt wonderful to simply let myself loose and express how I was really feeling in the moment. Kind of embarrassing for someone who is always trying to maintain control and be in control but getting past that...COMPLETELY CATHARTIC AND REFRESHING to just go nuts on somebody and then a half hour later be laughing about it. (Yes after we made up, he made fun of me when I asked him if he was hungry because I shocked him when I hurled his whole bowl of food into the dumpster).
Well, it is because HISTORICALLY speaking this is the way I was used to love being. Clearly I have a stockholme kind of syndrome that taught me to dearly love cherish respect and adore people who don't treat me very well. A one-way kind of blood-sucking dysfunctional co-dependent fear-based vampiric love where I was continuously in a no-win game of trying to get and receive love from people incapable of giving it. Everything looked great on the outside but on the inside, not so much. Love was about appearances not about substance.
I love love love love SUPER love my father to pieces (may he continue to rest in paradise) but he had a penchant for gambling. He spent a lot of money on me materially, came to all my recitals, graduations, provided EVERYTHING that a girl should expect to have materially from her father. He was in my life constantly but his appearances were somewhat unpredictable and perhaps he was somewhat closed off and emotionally absent. Checked out emotionally, spiritually and psychologically. It's like he knew Agnes was a complete pain in the ass (which is why he left) but there was nothing he could REALLY do about it except try to pick me up and provide a refuge away from the madness every once in a while.
It is really hard to know exactly what my subconscious drives and motivations are as it relates to my dad only because relative to Agnes, my dad was a saint. My Dad seemed like a genuinely good guy and a nice guy but could not and did not protect me. He did not confront or fix the situation, he continued to just run away, hide and remain in denial about it. He was often manipulated by Agnes until he saw things her way. And then when he didn't he was kind of a wimp in telling me "I know she's difficult to be around, just lie to her." That was his advice.
I love you very much Dad but what kind of manly advice is that? That is WEAK and WHACK! So yeah. Apparently, he must have been scared of Agnes too. I don't blame him, she's VERY GOOD at manipulation and deception. Agnes and her monkeys will have you convinced you are wrong, dumb, ,bad and crazy by the time she's finished. I will never ever forget the image of her standing in the doorway of my bedroom screaming at him, him holding me...he's crying, I'm crying and he kicked the door closed.
WELCOME TO THE TERRORDOME
You can be pretty, beautiful, sexy, have it all together on the outside but still need to fix things on the inside. Nikki has spent her life living completely in terror and afraid of the DEVIL and this is why I ended up making so many bad choices. I was used to and comfortable with a certain dynamic and didn't know any better. It is also possible, based on all of my self-discovery, that I may be a recovering "inverted narcissist" attracted to classic narcissists but shit, I don't know.
Whatever. You can analyze and know shit all day long but nothing EVER changes unless you change yourself and that's why I made bad choices. They may have been BETTER choices than in the past but still not great ones.
I am happy to see that I'm really changing for the better and talking about it FROM MY PERSPECTIVE actually helps me heal from it.
I know I have changed because I don't attract the same kind of people into my life anymore. Most people are actually really nice and respectful towards me now. Maybe they were nice before, but I was in Oz. My own personalized version of hell.
Sometimes the sources of your greatest inspiration come in a package you don't expect.
This guy (the wiz) is one of the very last 2 villains that I'm dealing with from the old paradigm. There is no more Oz. It's funny that one of the things Agnes used to say all the time is that things she did were a figment of my imagination. Even though that was not true in the sense of real occurrences, she was right. Since you create your reality with your thoughts and subconscious patterns, then it really was all a figment of my imagination.
The thing is that I would often say things about the wiz (even thinking about what I'm saying right now) and at first I would be like YOU ARE THIS AND YOU ARE THAT and then in the quiet recesses of my mind, I would hear "and so are you." Meaning he was my mirror. I could say he was a fake and a phony and a bully and all these things and yet I would go, okay so I must be the same thing. I must be just like him, trying to show the world how nice I am and I'm not really all that nice either.
That's how I ended up continuing to go off and on with him for over a year. Because I needed to change.
It sounds like a lot of drama at first like I'm making him out to be the bad guy all the time when really he was just the catalyst that I needed to let all parts of me out of hiding. I cannot just sit and point all my fingers at him because he came into my life kind of like the devil and made me finally stop hiding and being a one dimensional fake and phony person.
I sometimes think that the trauma of my father's murder coupled with everything else that I went through meant that I simply had a very difficult time growing up and really coming out of my shell. I could point at him and say he is fake and bad and all these things all day long but all I would keep hearing is "and so are you." I needed to grow up and stop trying to be "daddy's little good girl"
I'm to be completely 100% honest. I look at those guys and think wow, I don't think this guy is capable of hot monkey sex. He's not gonna be the type of guy to make tender sweet love to me one minute AND pick me up throw me against the wall and fuck the hell out of me the next. Is he an ass smacker? Will he pull my hair and talk dirty to me? I mean nice guys just don't do it for me. I like a guy who is nice but I need that bad boy side too.
Nice Guys vs. Players - Why Players Get the Women and Nice Guys Don't Get No Love!
Why Nice Guys Don' t Get Picked By Women
Nikki is really deep down kind of a wild woman and she needs a wilder man. She needs someone who is going to bring her out of her shell. She doesn't like a "nice guy" who is going to try to tame her back into being nice.
Nikki needs a REAL lion tamer.
But crazy Nikki is like wow "he's crazy and hilarious"...just my type
Yes. I love a guy who is nice and treats me well but I also need a man just as crazy as I can be.
The wiz used to talk about himself all the time in the third person like some kind of pompous jerk and towards me he often acted like the ultimate "bad boy". His friends used to all tell me "give him another chance" "he's a nice guy" "he's a good guy" and I would be like really? Who are you talking about?
I know I've changed because narcissistic bullying type people either don't like me anymore, avoid me, OR they completely kiss my ass now and respect me. That is how I know that I have changed for the better.
Recently there was one guy who briefly entered the picture and ultimately proved himself to be a TRUE asshole. At first I noticed myself being nice, friendly and welcoming towards him as he was new to the community but I also observed that if I never said hi to him or approached him, he would not speak to me. Almost like he was shy or something. Or maybe he didn't like me...don't know. (see sweet Nikki's is always idealizing someone and making up a story...she never thought...well maybe he's just a jerk). Anyway, at one point when he wanted to go on a business trip somewhere and almost DEMANDED that do something I didn't want to do. I kept telling him NO and he kept on INSISTING that I do it. I had to say NO probably 10 times and give him other suggestions before he finally backed down.
The devil comes knocking at your door in MANY tempting disguises but when you've embraced your own darkside, the devil cannot stay for too long.
"You being you, all of you, uncensored, is a frightening and horrifying monster to a Narcissist. Because you are being real, and real people scare the shit out of Narcissists. They are not being real, they know that they are not being real, even if most of that knowledge is buried in their subconscious and they think that they are very real. They think everyone else is as fake as they are, in fact they think others are more fake than they are. They are their reference point for the world. They can’t express genuine emotions, or voice their real thoughts, and they apply this to others. They don’t actually know how to be real, and the very thought of it scares them. So when you are real and genuine, it stirs up the real person buried deep within them, and they live in fear of their real self because they don’t know who their real self is, it is unknown, and the fear of the unknown chills them to the marrow. This fear of their real self is the spur which governs their entire life, and all of their subsequent behaviour is an attempt to escape and kill this real self off, and replace it with an idealised self of their own creation. The ultimate lesson and gift that a relationship with a Narcissist gives you is this… Be yourself, all of you.
THAT IS PROGRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY NIKKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Finally Nikki is embracing who she was afraid to become
Some times he gets super sweet Nikki, some times sexy Nikki, some times irritated Nikki and some times crazed lunatic pissed off Nikki. It's all part of the beautiful package that is Nikki.
The wiz always says "don't be crazy with me" and "the one thing I don't like is your attitude". Well, guess what? Love it or leave it nigga, cuz crazy Nikki is here to stay and I LOVE HER way more than I love anyone else in this world right now including YOU
Besides...Nikki is just as turned on by crazy as you are
All any man has to do is appreciate, respect, nurture, support, cherish, adore, spoil and take care of sweet Nikki so crazy Nikki can chill and unleash hell on the world instead of on her man (unless it's in the bedroom). If the wiz actually cared for and about sweet Nikki, crazy Nikki wouldn't have to come out and MAKE him care. See what I'm sayin'.
With one of the last of the two villains left trying to hide out in Nikkiland, it's time for EXPULSION. This little wizard ass negro still hasn't quite gotten that I now see him hiding behind that curtain. You want a good attitude then nigga stop being dumb and appreciate and take care of sweet Nikki when she is sweet. Don't wait for the crazy Nikki wake up call.
The version of Nikki you get in this life depends on how you treat her. You want Nikki to spoil you and take care of you, you BETTER take care of her and spoil her back.
You want this Nikki: