It's been a long time since I've written anything. I've been super busy with not a lot of time to sit and reflect in this space. I still write in my regular journal but have not had enough time and space to sort out enough of my thoughts. In fact, I'm STILL super busy, but I just HAD to take a moment out to say something.
I have probably said this ad naseum in a myriad of ways but being a lover type, a hopeless romantic and an idealist prone to fantasy, in the past, Nikki gave people way too many chances. WAY TOO MANY.
For Nikki, this is what kind of love felt "normal" with SOME people (NOT ALL)
Nikki was so used to seeing the "good" in horrible people and people that treated her quite badly. She would befriend that one person no one else liked or would tolerate, she would seek out one-sided friendships, and generally love people with evil hearted ways. Of course not all the times, but many times, Nikki was just stupid and also ENCOURAGED to "be a good godly christian type person" when the DEVIL was the main one preaching the gospel.
Nikki may have tried for a long time to make things right, better or whatever and accepted a lot of bullshit in the process. But Nikki can work through the pain of loss, get past it and live to see another day. Nikki is her own best friend and knows how to eventually find happiness even in the midst of the nonsense. Nikki knows how to pick herself up, dust herself off and move on with her life mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc,
And soon as she does, HERE YOU COME acting like Nikki forgot how you treated her and can't see who you really are. I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU AND YOUR FAKE ASS
You try to come back from the dead rewriting history like Nikki is supposed to forget the pain in the ass nightmare that you were.
Just because you are smiling in my face now acting like we're so cool...I didn't forget that you were a big pain in the ass before. Just becuase you got your mind right and now want to be #teamnikki....Nikki ain't checkin' for you no mo
The very people who treated Nikki like dirt all of a sudden want to come crawling back in like nothing ever happened. Pretend like the bullshit never existed and try to suck Nikki back into their whirlwind of CRAZY. This has happened so many times, it leaves Nikki STUNNED like has this BITCH or this MOTHER FUCKER FORGOTTEN HOW HORRIBLE THEY WERE TOWARDS NIKKI? THEY HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING CRAZY!
Just because I was dumb and pathetic before, blind and naive. Stupid. Wide open. Lame. Just because I didn't know any better, doesn't mean it's going to stay that way. Just because Nikki has a big heart and made you feel more love than you ever felt before, doesn't mean she's gonna keep filling up your empty heart and soul with her blessings.
You're feeling all sad, lonely and left out and you want Nikki's love back. You want to reminisce on the good old days and what you thought we "had". What Nikki tried to give to you and to show you. The love and trust, Nikki tried to extend to you. You miss all that.
I don't give a fuck about you or your nostalgic feelings.
It's OVER. The jig is up. Nikki's heart was wide open now it's closed. You fucked it up. You LOST IT. It's OVER. GET A FUCKING CLUE!
Yeah, you might think we're still cool, laughing and playing around but trust that I don't trust you anymore and no matter how much we laugh, I'm no longer laughing with you
This goes for former friends, acquaintances, blood relatives...doesn't matter. If you treated me bad, you don't belong in Nikkiland.
So let's say, you feel like you never did anything wrong and you and Nikki are still cool and on good terms. But you're wondering why you never spend time together anymore.
Well, Nikki has certain goals, dreams and aspirations, a MISSION and a PURPOSE and if you don't fit in with that, then Nikki has probably moved on from you as well.
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
― Jim Rohn
There are other people who didn't necessarily do anything wrong to Nikki per se, but being around them and in their energy means Nikki's life is not going to move forward so she had to let you go.
Look. Nikki probably loves you but she doesn't like you, doesn't like being around you, you probably made her miserable in some way shape or form and yet you keep trying to come crawling back in or suck me into your NONSENSICAL CRAZY-MAKING ways. GET A CLUE. TAKE A HINT. Nikki doesn't want you, doesn't want to be near you, doesn't want you in her life PERIOD.
Hoovers: Don’t Let the Crazy Suck You Back In
Narcissists and Common Hoovering Techniques
When Toxic People Start Hoovering
Hoovering is manipulation to gain control over your choice to distance yourself, and typically takes the following forms:
- Text messages pretending to be concerned: “How are you?”, “Hey, I’m thinking about you”, “I know things didn’t work out, but you really do mean a lot to me. I just want you to know that.”
- Text messages acting like nothing happened: “Hey stranger, long time no talk” or “Hey what’s going on?”
- Text messages on or about special occasions/holidays: “Merry Christmas”, “Hope you are having a good birthday–wish I could be there”, “Are you going to Molly’s wedding next weekend? If you’re going, I won’t go–I don’t want to upset you.”
- Text messages about the kids (especially if they’re not his): “I was at the park today and saw a cute kid that looked just like Jason. Just wanted to say I miss you guys.” or “I know you hate me, but please tell Ava that I wish her a happy birthday and I’m sorry I can’t be there.”
- Text messages about an upcoming event: “Hey, I know you said you never wanted to talk to me again, but Disney on Ice is this weekend, I was thinking about taking the kids.” or “Aerosmith is playing next weekend and I have an extra ticket–you wanna go?”
- Text messages about things you like to do that he’s never been interested in doing with you before: “Hey, there’s a vegetarian cooking class this weekend, you wanna go?” or “Wanna go wine tasting this weekend?”
- Text messages about bogus family illnesses or some sort of crisis (including his own): “I think I might have cancer, can you talk?” or, “OMG my mom just had a stroke.” or “What does a heart attack feel like? My left arm really hurts,” or, “I can’t handle this anymore, I’m going to kill myself.”
- Text messages that are supposedly meant for someone else, but sent to you by mistake: “See you in ten minutes xoxo” (Supposedly for his current girlfriend–sent to upset you.) “The boss just moved the meeting to Wednesday at 3pm.” (Supposedly for his coworker–sent so you feel a sense of obligation for the coworker.) Or, “Sam called and said John is in the hospital and to call him immediately.” (Supposedly sent to someone else, but sent to you so you feel a sense of urgency to get back to him.)
- Text messages that are guilt or pity inducing: “Can’t we work this out? Please give us another chance.” “What about the kids? You know how hard it is having divorced parents–why would you want to do that to them?” “I have a lot of issues. I get that now. I’ll get into therapy. I promise.” “My alcoholism is out of control. I need help.”
- Text messages about sex/deep connection: “I miss snuggling with you.” “You always be the love of my life.” “You are my soul mate, I’m sorry I let you down.”
- Text messages that attempt to flip the hoover back on you: “Did u just text me?” or “Did you just call me?” or “Did I just see you drive by?”
- Text messages, when all else fails, making bogus accusations to get some type of emotional response: “Why are you calling my mom and bugging her?” or “I just found out you cheated on me.” “I’ve moved on. You need to quit stalking me.”
All of these examples are just one big fat manipulation for you to open the door and let them back into your life. Don’t fall for it!
Look. Nikki has been blind to reality and sometimes it takes time for her to get out of her idealistic world of fantasy and recognize the truth. With that said, for you few SUPER DUPER DELUSIONAL people living in fantasyland thinking those good old days of Nikki's STUPIDLY BLIND AND NAIVE love, support and devotion towards you will return
I forgive myself for being dumb and I forgive you for trying to take advantage of my temporary dumbness. Thank you for all the valuable lessons and shining a bright light on places where Nikki needed to stop being hella stupid. You are appreciated for being a great teacher in Nikki's past. ALL IS FORGIVEN but you and your trifling ways are not missed around these parts. My heart is still wide open for those who treat Nikki well and strive to make amends as necessary. The rest of you yahoos can lose my number and kick rocks, you are not missed around here in Nikkiland
I've moved on.
There will be no rapture, no reunion tour, no victory lap. It's OVER.