I have written quite a bit already about my struggles with growing up with a narcissistic parent and in complete dysfunction. Mostly in how my past continues to repeat in my present and a hilarious look at my life's foibles. Yes, in fact, I am human. Perfect in all my imperfections. Some of my struggles are reflected in these posts:
Nikki needs an alpha male
Don't Fuck with Sweet Nikki cuz Crazy Nikki fucks back
Nikki is VERY selfish, shallow, self-centered, greedy, narcissistic and all about money all the time
Nikki's Current Thoughts about Love & Loss
At first I felt like writing more but really, I just want to use this blog to declare it all OVER. Of course having been silenced on the issue for the entirety of my life, I may write more about it all in the future but for now, I just have some things I want to release.
Even though the date of this blog is 7/4, I am making updates and as of this writing I have had the biggest argument of my life with my mother and while she was helping me get the medical care that I needed, we ended up arguing (as usual) but this time instead of me backing down like I normally would, she basically kicked me out and I left.
I was definitely yelling and cursing and was not backing down like a scared little girl. That would have been my old pattern. And even when I would stand up to her, then I would have so many people in my family and even some of my friends berate me and come down so hard on me that she would still get her way. No matter what I would always be the "bad person." Thank god, the person she lives with now always makes jokes saying "I know exactly what you went through" and at least HE KNOWS that the public version of my mother is not the same as who she REALLY is behind closed doors.
The thing is that my mom often says things about living in the past and letting go of the past but at the same time, SHE runs away from the past and pretends like things never happened or that they don't exist. Fine. Can't change that or change her just like she can't change or control me.
The bottom line is that me and my mother will continue to repeat the same bullshit narcissistic/codependent cycle for the rest of our lives unless one of us BREAKS the cycle. And it is not easy for either one of us but I'm doing my best because the last person I ever ever EVER want to have to call to ask for ANYTHING is her. And yet I still keep getting stuck and feel like I have no choice. I don't want that anymore. I don't want it to be this way anymore and all I can do is keep praying and asking my Higher Self to guide me to my freedom.
The reality is that I love my mother very much but I don't like her all that much most of the time because only SHE can be the grown up and in control. I feel like there's an internal struggle within me that says either I have to choose HER or choose ME and I CHOOSE ME. NOT her. Just like I'm grown, she's grown and she can choose herself. She has put me through emotional and psychological hell while giving the appearance of being the pillar of the community. A saint. Mother of the year. Yes she has done a lot of great things and yes she made a lot of great decisions that make me who I am today but she also made a lot of poor decisions as well and as much as I do love her and want to have a relationship with her, I feel so smothered and it makes it even hard to THINK on my own when she is in my life. She gets annoyed that I can't think for myself and be a grown up but she doesn't see that the simplest things SHE has to do all the thinking and decision making thereby making it an incredible challenge for me to BE grown. I mean the last time I was with her, we were at the mall and I needed to go to the restroom and she's yelling my name all the way across the store to tell me which way the bathroom is like I can't find it on my own. And then she's blowing up my phone calling me and I'm in the bathroom practically YELLING at her I"M IN THE BATHROOM. I want to have a relationship with her but it's almost impossible so much so that the only time I talk to her is if/when I have an emergency. Otherwise we email. I don't even like telling her about me, my life, nothing anymore and I feel sad about that but I have to do what I have to do.
I feel stupid like a teenager trying to break free but that is the reality. My reality. I want nothing more than to be completely free of her yet and still at the moment, I'm am beholden to her financially as I struggle for my own independence. It's a long story but I was independent financially for YEARS but not emotionally, spiritually or psychologically. Now I'm on the cutting edge of freedom and the noose is being squeezed as tightly as possible as I try to break free. It's all a spiritual thing, I totally get it and I'm doing everything spiritually I can to break free. Yes I'm grown physically but still if you understood the dynamic between a narcissistic mother and a codependent daughter, you would get that being grown physically is not the same a being grown mentally.
Anyway. My mom has tortured me in a myriad of ways for years. If you can imagine a person throwing a ball in the air and then hitting it with a bat (like a grand slam) that would describe the dynamic. She lifts me up and then tears me down. It's all explained by the "experts" on narcissism so well that I needn't say more except that for most of my life I have believed some pretty big lies about myself - stupid, ugly, unlovable, etc.
The reason I completely changed my life or started on that course when I turned 35/36 is that I found out that my so-called self-proclaimed perfect mother was hiding a secret. In fact, my mother has kept me away from my entire family on her side in order to hide this secret. To this day, I have no relationship with anyone on my Mother's side of the family because she was too busy hiding this secret. My mother likes to portray herself as this godly saint of a person because she does so much for the community and so much for others but she hides her dark side and I just don't want to be like that. She can be whatever she wants and whoever she wants but I see how that takes such a toll on you and I just don't want to be that way. I'm not perfect. I fuck up all the time and I suck at a lot of things and I just don't want to live in a fantasy world pretending like I'm perfect.
It is unfortunate that because my mother kept me away from my entire family in Oklahoma that I feel no connection to them. They all say they love me but I have a very difficult time trusting a bunch of people who say they love me yet let my mother live this entire lie and facade for 35 years of my life. I understand that they felt loyal to my mother in keeping her secret but you can't then expect me after all this time to just automatically love you because you decided to come out of hiding. I mean what kind of "LOVE" is that? You loved me in your mind but not in your heart or in your actions?
I love my mom but at the same time, she still at 71 years old has kind of this holier than thou attitude like her shit doesn't stink. She still carries this story underneath it all that says that I'm just the spoiled selfish child who blames everyone for my problems. And after 46 years of living myself, I have decided that no matter who you are, I just cannot keep letting people into my heart or caring about people who really don't care about me the REAL me. I cannot keep continuing on letting everyone tell stories about me and LIES about me and contortions of the truth about me while I sit back and protect their feelings and their secrets. The problem is that because I don't tell MY OWN STORY all these fucked up people around me control the story and tell the world who I am instead of ME telling the world who I am. I had no self-definition.
My mom can say all that she wants about me and continue to lie about the things that she did, but I'm not going to continue to remain silent on the flip side and continue to let her paint a picture of me like she has done nothing wrong. I am not going to keep being the punching bag while she keeps making the world think that she is so wonderful. Same with my ex-husband.
Am I wonderful? Yes. I think so but I'm also fucked up with flaws. I'm not saying I'm perfect but at least I feel like I am working on myself and acknowledging where I can improve. I feel like when I'm talking about my mother and our dynamic I'm looking at how it is affecting my choices today and the better choices that I need to make going forward. But in her case, she feels like everything can be solved at yet another "weight loss" clinic, in another bottle of pills, potion or eyebrow pencil.
So be it. My mother and me are two different people and I know that no matter how fat I am or how skinny, nothing external can fix what needs to be fixed internally.
I will readily admit I have issues but SO DO YOU whether you want to admit it or not!!!!!!!
Since my divorce, I have never ever felt happier in my life and being alone has really taught me to love myself. And I find that when I love myself, I ENJOY loving another and I LOVE to make the ones I love feel HAPPY not sad. When I really love someone, it brings me so much joy to find out what would make the person I love happy and to give them that if I can.
This is also why there are some guys in my life, yes, there are a few who are friends who probably cannot understand why I don't "choose them." I may LOVE you as a friend but I can't choose you for more than that. First and foremost because I'm an old school romantic and I only like to be with my man. Whoever that is. My man is my man and that's it. I don't like the feeling of being lied to and a guy making a fool out of me and so I don't want to do that to someone else. If I'm with you, I'm with you and when I'm not I'M NOT. So. #1 is if I'm with one guy, I'm not going to be with another and another. Now if my dude is fucking up and we break up, that's a different story. If we are just "dating" then that's different. But I'm just a one man kind of girl. Stupidly loyal.
I'm old school like boyfriend and girlfriend engagement marriage type of woman. I wish I could say I'm more up with the times of hooking up and booty calls but the reality is that I'm just not like that. If I'm going to be with someone else, I'm the type of person who will tell you. I'm leaving. I'm going to be with ____ or I don't want to be with you anymore so I'm out.
That's just how I am, at least for now. It could change. I heard Wendy Williams the other day say "I'm a flip flopper" and YES, I can be too sometimes. (I don't like that show but I just caught it on tv the other day).
20 years of bullshit with my ex-husband and I never cheated on him and even in the rocky times in our relationship when I could feel myself attracted to someone else, I tried to break things off with my husband. Why? Because I'm a one man kind of chick. Old school...oh yes and a germaphobe too. I work in a field where I encounter hundreds if not thousands of people from all over the world and you would be surprised at a simple thing like herpes and how many people have it. I'm just saying. I am a germaphobe and old school when it comes to that. So. Sorry. Just can't do it.
#2 is I just don't trust people whose words and actions are inconsistent. I don't like it when a guy looks good "on paper" and does RANDOM things to "make himself look good" in my eyes or in the eyes of other people but he cannot sustain it BECAUSE IT IS AN ACT. OR a guy who thinks he's SOMEBODY just because of what he does in his job. I mean a JOB doesn't necessarily teach you how to be in a relationship. And just because your job makes you a pillar of the community, doesn't mean you ARE one. Look at all these so-called priests....
Anyway. I don't like people who "do it for the show" because it doesn't permeate through all the little things they do. It's not real. It is a facade. I'm reminded of someone saying "I love you so much" while punching you in the face. That is an extreme example but that is what I mean by words and actions not lining up. It's like he's "doing it for the cameras" so to speak.
I'm not expecting people to be perfect but I don't like it when a guy, or anyone for that matter, is acting like a super hero one minute then the next will drop you into the eye of the storm and leave you hanging.
You will never ever win my heart that way because I pay attention to consistency. Even if you are consistently INCONSISTENT that is more reliable than flip flopping all over the place.
I would LOVE a guy to save me but if you, yourself, are drowning then you are not in a good position to really do jack for me.
[Right now I'm typing without glasses on and cannot see very well. I hope I'm making sense.]
I appreciate when people do nice things for me but I don't fall in love with "good deeds" because I grew up with this kind of "do it for the show" fakeness. In fact me being a former "nice girl" I did PLENTY of nice things for people but it was not coming from the right place.
I may temporarily fall in lust with a guy's good deeds because I LOVE to be spoiled and pampered but it's not the same as seeing through to a man's heart and FEELING his love. Falling in love with who a man is on the inside. His personality. Who he REALLY is as a person not what he can DO for you.
I cannot explain it but there is a difference.
I DO need a provider and want that in my life but at the same time, a man providing all the outer things with no inner connection is not what I want either. Who wants to be with a robot?
It's almost as if you can feel inside a man and know he's capable of love and his capacity for love vs meeting someone who wines and dines you and does all the right things yet you can feel something is not quite right. You are not feeling into a man's heart you are feeling some type of way about his deeds. It's hard to explain because when a man loves you he wants to give you the world and do amazing things for you but the feeling is different than when a man is just putting on a show.
I super appreciate good deeds and being treated well but at the same time I need to know who a person is from the inside (not who he thinks I want him to be). I feel like I'm contradicting myself because in the movie "the Notebook" the guy says that he will be who she wants him to be, but I can't explain how my gut tells me that a guy is just being fake vs being himself and giving from his heart. Well maybe I'm not being so contradictory because at first she chose the guy who looked right "on paper" but she ended up with the man whose heart she felt most connected to.
I went into left field on a tangent but the point is that I don't like being fake and I don't like fakeness. When I say "I love you" and when you say "I love you too" I want it to be real from the heart. Not fake. Do I want you to spoil me and do nice things for me HELL YES but I also need your heart and real love. Love that feels good and wants the best and HAPPINESS for loved ones. Not the kind of love that hurts. I don't want that. I want REAL love where words and actions line up. Where my happiness is important to you and your happiness is important to me.
It seems like a lot of the people in my bloodline take pleasure in putting each other down, talking bad about one another, fighting about money and material things, etc. I have definitely played my part in that as well. I am not perfect and I am not an angel.
But at the end of the day, I'm not interested in being a part of that dynamic anymore. I no longer want to be associated with the types of people that come from my old paradigm and old belief systems.
So today I'm declaring my independence from all the OLD bullshit and the resultant bad decisions I've made from having a dysfunctional family pattern. While I have made many good decisions in my life I have also made a lot of TERRIBLE decisions based on listening to other people rather than trusting my own gut and due to a faulty set of very negative self-sabotaging beliefs. No more crazymakers!
If you are a person from my past that has proven through your words and actions that you really don't care about me, then guess what? I don't care about you or your feelings anymore either.
And the reality is that even if I get super pissed at my mother and can't stand her, I still love her. She didn't have her own mother growing up so a lot of times she just doesn't know what the hell she is doing and neither do I. If I had that warm nurturing affectionate bake cookies type mother, it would be so much easier but I don't. No matter how much I TELL her how I feel and express how I feel, it's almost like she just doesn't care until it's too late but my heart cannot close. I cannot be in close proximity to her for very long without her driving me completely crazy but I still love her. No matter how much I try to turn that switch off, I cannot exorcise her from my heart because, well, I can't. I have tried trust me. But I cannot. So maybe one day she will hurt me so badly that I will but as of now, I cannot.
Here's to LETTING GO OF THE PAST, just like she said I need to do.
PEACE BE UPON YOU AND PEACE OUT!
If you have met me post 2009, you have met a transformed version of myself who is not as "nice" as I used to be but still a select few have been able to keep me under wraps for a variety of reasons from financial to emotional/spiritual. I have had to do a LOT of work on myself so that those "fake tears" and uses of "God" no longer work on me. It has been rough. CLASSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!