A looooooong time ago, someone once said "you write too much" and back then I questioned or second guessed myself on that. But now, I realize that if a person is too stupid or doesn't have enough attention span to read what I have to say, they are a waste of my time anyway.
We were pushed to write 20+ page papers in college. Then on top of that, in my corporate career, we ALWAYS had to write a lot. I would be like god dammit I chose accounting because I thought it was all about numbers...come to find out, the higher you go in accounting the less number crunching you have to do and the more research, proposals, position papers, etc you have to write.
No matter the subject, considering I always used to wait until the last minute to write all my papers, I learned to write A LOT in a short amount of time and I type hella fast. (hence the reason I cannot give up my blackberry cuz I type hella fast on that too). I sit behind a keyboard and it's like a direct channel to my thoughts.
Furthermore, I have always LOVED reading books so much so that my mother once took all my books away and told me I read too much. No matter. I guess she realized how stupid that was and gave me back my books and my library card. I have always been a big reader which I guess has made me a big writer as well. A lot of people say I'm smart and to them I say "Reading is Fundamental."
So...If you are illiterate, don't know how to read, don't like to read, then you probably aren't about that #teamnikki life. So for anyone who thinks I write too much, you can SUCK IT.
Nikkiland is only for cool intelligent people anyway.
That's why there's those of us who go to Berkeley and those of YOU who go to University of Phoenix or barely graduate high school.
Ok. That was mean. And all kidding aside, unless someone writes something that interests me or entertains me, I can have a short attention span sometimes too. In this fast paced world, everyone doesn't always have time to read a 20 page paper. I understand that. But if you want to roll with Nikki, you gotta make the time to be about that life. Again...reading is fundamental. I usually write waaaay more than I actually talk and that is because of my introversion.
Which is sort of getting to the point of this post.
I was creating an archive index page of my posts and while doing that, I realized that there are soooo many times I said that "I am a nice person" or "I was a nice person". This girl the other day was talking about herself and she said "anyone who has to constantly say they are nice are probably not that nice."
Now going through all my old blog posts I realize that if I have been holding back this much of my personality then I was never really TRULY nice. I was lying to myself. I was being fake and who I thought I needed to be to be liked. It was simply learned behavior and a means of survival. A form of self-preservation. I read some of my stuff and I'm like wow, I am VERY CRUEL. I mean horrible. A mean terrible person. A serious bitch. WHEW. I wouldn't want to get on my own bad side. Seriously.
While it is true that I have always been an extremely sensitive, kind-hearted and compassionate person...you know the one that will cry at the drop of a hat and extremely emotional? I realize that all those deep feelings make me a very intensely passionate person who just wasn't allowed to express the full range of my emotions without getting into a world of trouble. So all of my "dark side" has been hidden and repressed.
Only parts of me were acceptable and the rest had to remain hidden or ELSE! Death and annihilation would be upon me. Or so it seemed. It was a matter of survival to push so much of my true personality underground. So when I say I was a nice girl, I really was a fake girl borne out of a need to survive
- Beatings/Spankings/Whippings (or Whoopins)
- Economic/Financial control (tell my father to cut me off financially)
- Religious manipulation (e.g., God will punish you for being bad or you're going to hell; colonization of the afterlife)
- Psychological warfare/emotional blackmail and manipulation ("look how you have hurt me", "you lack good judgment", "you don't know what you're talking about")
Even though I was often broken down into submission in one way or another, I've always been a pretty rebellious person deep down. I hid myself. I acted one way in front of my family for survival but this was not the real me. If you look at this picture, you can sense the attitude, willfulness and rebelliousness brewing underneath the "good girl" facade.
And then, some people really gave me a hard time about the "last will and testament" I wrote in High School. Everyone was asked to write one their senior year and it was published in the school newspaper. Of course some of my friends thought what I wrote was funny as hell but some people were like wow how could you write that? I mean look at what I wrote vs what the nerd after me wrote. It's kind of hard to read but you'll get the gist.
Punishment or Child Abuse?
For blacks, spanking has ties to slavery
Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Kids
Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem
I LOVE this episode of the Boondocks because it's funny as hell first of all but secondly it really shines a bright light on the dual nature of my personality and how beatings and fear of repercussions, made me hide so much of my true self. I can only speak for myself but when the "field nigga" goes into his act in front of massa, it is so funny to me when the tables turn and he starts acting like his real self. Soon as "massa" is out of sight, his language and demeanor totally changes. And then what I love is they tell the COON version of the story from Uncle Ruckus' perspective and it's a complete satire of how white people always try to re-tell the story and make themselves sound innocent and how COONS completely fall for that okie doke. Classic collective macro-level narcissism. You have to see the full episode called "The Story of Catcher Freeman" to really catch what I'm saying but here's a few clips.
Be ALL of YOU! – Embrace Your Shadow – Debbie Ford’s Film The Shadow Effect
Beneath the social mask we wear every day, we have a hidden shadow side: an impulsive, wounded, sad, or isolated part that we generally try to ignore. The Shadow can be a source of emotional richness and vitality, and acknowledging it can be a pathway to healing and an authentic life. We meet our dark side, accept it for what it is, and we learn to use its powerful energies in productive ways. The Shadow knows why good people sometimes do “bad” things. Romancing the Shadow and learning to read the messages it encodes in daily life can deepen your consciousness, imagination, and soul.
By giving the part of our personality space to be, without total rejection and judgment, we become more accepting and tolerant of others who also express those traits. We then allow light to shine on those hidden parts of our personalities, and allow them to be considered ‘right’, instead of constantly labeled as wrong or negative.
By embracing and accepting that we ALL have the potential for light, dark, diabolical and angelic qualities we recognize that we can embrace and accept yourself as whole and complete.
So, I don't know what the fuck I wrote before that I have now lost but the whole point of what I was trying to write is that I was hiding and that regime is now complete. The era of fake Nikki is over. The wicked witch is dead and it's time for the real Nikki to shine.
THE OLD NIKKI IS DEAD AND THE REAL NIKKI IS CLEARLY BACK IN THE BUILDING!
It's so funny one day I was buying some soap and he smelled it and said "I want some." I said but it's girly soap and he said "I don't care it smells good." A "normal" guy would be worried about what other people think and is it unmanly but I just love that he doesn't care. I could be wrong and maybe one day I will change my mind but I have always loved "crazy" misfit kinds of guys and people in general. A lot of people make fun of him because he's different and doesn't fit in. I actually like him because he's different. Cuz I'm different. I'm weird. I'm special and I like men who are the same way (like this song...not the look).
And in my mind I was thinking..."nigga I know it."
One time I was upstairs doing his laundry and he made me mad because I felt like he wasn't helping me with something I needed his help with. I took all his clothes out of the washing machine and was yelling at him throwing all his clothes downstairs in the moment of my frustration. I was in the moment feeling my feelings. Expressing my wild passionate self. Kind of like this (not exactly but kind of):
And what makes me fall deeper in love with him and makes my heart open is that every time I get a little crazy with him, he is calm, level headed and patient with me and when he gets crazy with me, somehow I am the same.
We understand each other cuz we're both crazy. We're kind of crazy in our own weird little world that nobody really understands.
What I love about it is that, to me, it's better than being fake. I hate being fake and I hated being fake. I like him because he's unconventional, abnormal (different) kind of in that fuck it, I don't give a fuck kind of way. I admire that in a person because in so many respects that's who I am too.
So then. Let me stop fooling myself and lying to myself saying that I was a nice person. I was a FAKE person. And now I have embraced so much of my dark side that it actually makes me a happier more loving person. I love myself more because I'm no longer pretending to be someone I'm not.
When people call me crazy, I no longer take it as an insult. I think people who try to be "normal" and "fit in" with what everyone else is doing are actually crazy.
I am happy to be a recovering or recovered fake ass chick. When you call me a bitch or call me crazy, I take that as a compliment because it means my recovery is moving along quite nicely and I'm no longer invested in being fake just to make other people happy.
Now I care a lot less about whether you like me, because I like me.
And now that I have finally accepted and admitted to myself that I am or at least I CAN be one cold, calculated, cruel, evil crazy bitch, I notice that I'm not attracting that kind of person into my life anymore. I no longer have to live vicariously through narcissistic bitchy mean-spirited unloving unkind people (women especially) because I have embraced that and unleashed that part of myself.