Once way back in 2008 during one of my spiritual classes with Mortonette, I declared that I am an artist, and my whole world bloomed. It has been an amazing spiritual and musical journey. My work with her, my journalling, meditation, listening to spiritual teachers, online learning, reading, classes, rehearsals, and self-study has helped me tremendously along my path.
The Artist's Way was definitely a LIFE CHANGING book for me.
I have been BLESSED with meeting and learning from a LOT of amazing people. You can read my profile for more on that or check out my youtube channel. I mean AMAZING people!! I suppose that is a testament to faith, ambition, and the fact that I do have talent because I have been super blessed to share the stage and work with some incredible people thus far.
Not only have I learned so much musically from so many people, I also learned a lot about who I am, my purpose, my mission in life, what I want to do with my talent, etc. As has been written, I spent a lot of time on the business side of entertainment and even THAT taught me a lot and has been the fuel that has helped me shape my mission.
I may have written about this before but I have frustrated a lot of my teachers and the professional musicians around me because they think I don't take myself and my talent seriously. Sometimes, they think I am wasting my talent because I do not dedicate and devote the same amount of time and attention to developing myself musically as they do. One of my teachers made fun of me because I have so much percussive talent but won't practice like he wanted me to and dabbled in too many groups/instruments rather than focusing on one. At that time I was in 2 different choirs, a singing quartet, probably 3 different bands, playing violin in a chamber ensemble, and I think I was also still working as a consultant in my "day job."
Another guy who is an AMAZING musician recently told me that I should be careful because I am becoming a brand and I don't want to hurt my brand by not being serious.
I mean really. Look at Nikki's life, Nikki's accomplishments, all of what she has achieved in her life and then look at yours. Look at Nikki's resume then look at your resume. Isn't is abundantly clear that you and Nikki are completely different? Isn't it clear that Nikki is way more inclined to take the massive leaps of faith than you? Isn't it clear that Nikki is much more willing to take risks even if she makes a complete boob out of herself?
Some people are intellectually very brilliant and knowledgeable but knowledge and wisdom are totally different. Some people are full of knowledge but stupid when it comes to the kind of wisdom Nikki needs to hear. That's why Nikki finds a large percentage of their input to be more of a nuisance.
Maybe if I started when I was 2 years old and dedicated my life to my craft like you have, I would be better but my main desire is to have fun, make money and bring happiness and fun to the world, not to be the world's best anything. Recently I met someone, handed them my card and said I'm not a master at anything and the girl said "Vegas is about fun, all you have to do is be fun..." And I'm like OK...NOW YOU'RE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE.
I am not trying to win an award for the world's best anything except to shine the light within myself and to spread love, joy, peace and happiness. I am an ENTERTAINER and I'm here to entertain. Not to be the best at anything except my best self.
Thank you and good luck to all of you who are more serious about going on a world tour playing or singing for someone else.
If I wanted to be like you, I would but I don't.
I have spent years in both Hollywood and in Las Vegas and I see that you don't have to be perfect at anything to be successful. Many of you sit back wondering why the latest HACK musician is out making money while you sit back broke perfecting your craft. The same is TRUE in all the professions I've seen. I have seen the smartest most talented people sit back resentful as other less skillful people pass them by on their way up and I model my life and my "brand" after their achievements, not yours.
I see where they are going and where they've been and I see where you are, and I have decided that they are my role models not your and all your perfectionistic tendencies. So if I'm hurting my "brand" as a musician and bastardizing all the hard work you have put in, I'm sorry about how that makes you feel but I am an ENTERTAINER and I'm here to ENTERTAIN not be perfect.
If your association with me hurts YOUR brand, I understand if we can't work together. That is your choice. I get it because a lot of you I would never ever take to a corporate business meeting and some of you I would never even want to see at my "day job." So trust me...I UNDERSTAND!!!
UPDATE....So the thing about me is that I have this inner voice that speaks to me. Not in a crazy schizo way, but in a Deepak Chopra, Oprah kind of way. An inner voice. The Kingdom of heaven being within and all that jazz. I also have a pretty LOUD and obnoxious inner critic that likes to really go at me from time to time and make me feel craptastic. Sometimes it's a remix.
Anyway, this inner committee sometimes will lovingly tell me HEY NIKKI YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT. Or Hey Nikki, you didn't say everything that needed to be said here. Or you're lying, tell the truth. And so in this case, I wrote all this and walked away feeling pretty good about what I wrote because for the most part, I have had to do a lot of work on myself to get rid of so many of my perfectionistic tendencies. Much of what has stopped me all of my life from being all that I ever wanted to be is because of sky high expectations and wanting to be perfect.
So, I wanted to make an update to this post because I was reminded of so many times that I have done things that are exactly OPPOSITE of what I am saying here. For example when I first started taking music classes at UNLV, I felt intimidated because my ability to read music, especially sight read, sucks major ass. In fact all of my life, I have cheated my way through music by just learning and memorizing my parts so I don't have to read.
I'm the first person you will hear say "just tell me how it sounds...." so I don't have to read music. I will use sheet music to follow along but I have never been a great reader. So I felt so intimidated by all these music students that I immediately went to Sam Ash and bought this music software to help me with music theory and I spent all this time online trying to learn theory. But it just wasn't interesting to me. I couldn't get interested in it. Thankfully all those people were so nice to me and I was able to make my way through class and even do pretty well in spite of my shortcoming.
Then there was one time I was in a singing group and someone started riding me in a rehearsal and that night I spent probably 3-4 hours in the car practicing, recording myself and going over my part until I thought I sounded better.
This guy from Jr high told me one time that he had such a crush on me because I was so smart and always was the first one to finish my test and the first one to raise my hand in class. And all this reminds me that what I'm describing above is not painting a clear picture of who I am and how I am. When I was a little girl, my mom tells me that I could sit and comb my doll's hair for HOURS. And it's true, I'm still that way. If I'm interested in something, no matter where the motivation is coming from, I can devote HOURS and DAYS to it. I can be perfectionistic so I don't want to make it seem like I'm just a lazy slacker who doesn't want to do anything.
The reality is that I like to be challenged. I get bored very easily. That is why I don't aspire to be a perfect musician because I know I am not interested in it. I know myself. At the same time, I do take myself seriously and the things I do seriously. I was reminded today of this girl who I was friends with and then we decided to do a singing group thing. And I actually came to not even be able to stand that girl because she had a beautiful singing voice but a TIN EAR and would never practice. I mean I lost every ounce of like I had for that woman because she would come to rehearsals, mess up everything, never practice on her own, etc. When I thought about that, I realized I had to make a correction because I HATE IT when people come to rehearsal and waste everyone else's time and if I'm the weakest one in the group then you can believe I will spend HOURS AND DAYS practicing on my own because I don't want to look like an idiot.
The point though is I have to be motivated by something. Something has to captivate me and my interest. The thing is that when it comes to some things I'm super dumb. Like if you talk to me about cars, you may as well be talking to Helen Keller. It's not that I can't learn it, I just have no interest. One guy started telling me about network cables and routers and I wanted to punch him in the face. Some things are just not interesting to me. AT ALL. BUT, when I am interested in something, captivated, challenged, intrigued and my mind is open, I learn hella fast. Not always but sometimes. And because I learn hella fast, that has a tendency to make me lazy.
I have been told that I am lazy and I accept that. I can't help that something may take me 10 minutes to learn that took you 10 years. It's just my nature and because I learn and pick up things fast and a lot of times I don't have to work as hard as other people, I get bored easily. Plus I LIKE LEARNING, growing, being challenged and having fun.
The bottom line is that no matter what it is that I do, I'm more inclined to be R&D than the wigit maker on the assembly line. When I hear someone say they have been doing ____ all their life or the last 5 years even, I'm like AND YOU STILL WANT TO LIVE??? It's just not me.
Yeah ok so sometimes Nikkiland might get a little out of control
But she's never gonna be stagnant doing the same thing year after year
On the flip side though on my way to where I am now, I have been in some groups and situations that are a fuckin' JOKE and I have been completely EMBARRASSED on stage. So I'm not trying to say that I don't have any kind of standards. I mean I have literally sat on stage and thought what in the fuck am I doing here? So don't let me give the wrong impression. Situations like that made me dream bigger. It made me say, you know what I may not be perfect but I'm definitely better than this bullshit.
I like to have fun but I take music seriously. I know it doesn't make full sense but I HATE going to rehearsal and wasting time doing a bunch of talking and partying. I HATE it when we're supposed to have gone home and practiced/done our homework and no one has done it. I'm the type of person that when, for example, I'm in choir, I will go home and spend all night memorizing my parts, lyrics and everything so I'm ready for the next rehearsal. This is why I have quit a lot of things because I get ANNOYED going over the same shit over and over again.
So maybe I'm contradicting myself in some respects because I am serious and I DO put in work and I like to make sure I know my parts and what I'm doing. I'm always the one in rehearsal or practice with a recorder and a note pad.I'm always making sure I know my parts. I do fuck up but it blows my mind to be standing back stage with someone asking ME what their part is. I'm like YOU HAVE BEEN PLAYING ALL YOUR LIFE WHY IN THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING ME?
So I don't want it to sound like I'm not serious, I just want people to understand that I'm not like them and I'm not trying to be like them. I'd be perfectly fine being an entertainer and entertaining to people so they have fun while having all the master musicians think I'm just mediocre. I'm the first one to tell you, yes I play drums but I'm not trying to compete with men. I'm pretty, I like to be cute and then when I play, I surprise you because you don't expect me to be any good. But am I trying to be some hardcore muscled up chick who plays like a man? HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm like a cute girl who plays baseball in a dress. I'm competitive but I'm not trying to be a man just like I'm not trying to be a master.
We CLEARLY have a much different approach to life
I don't mean any harm or disrespect to those who are AMAZING at what they do, it's just that I'm not trying to go in that direction. I don't mean it as an insult. I just look around at the world and see that very few people are getting rich off their mastery and plenty of JOKES are out there getting paid with straight bullshit. And I have met so many super amazingly talented artists who are so hard on themselves that they let a fuckin' JOKE go out there and take gigs they should be playing or singing in but they are too INSECURE trying to be perfect. I have found that the most talented people are their own worst critic meanwhile JOE JACKASS is out there on stage and think he's the hottest shit since ??????? and is getting PAID. I'm calling him a jackass but who is really the jackass in this scenario? And I'm definitely not trying to do that or be a broke ass jackass. I'm okay with being rich and mediocre rather than being broke and masterful.
Nikki is a go big or go home personality which means sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fall down and have to get up and try again.
We are not the same. Listen to yourself tell your own story of how you almost "had" this or that or how you "barely got" passed whatever. Nikki has had to overcome many many challenges in her life but look at what she has achieved and accomplished. Even though her relationship was fucked up, she even had one for 20 years. I'm just sayin' Nikki IS NOT LIKE YOU. Nikki GOES after things. Nikki takes leaps of faith, Nikki will say YES even when she doesn't know what the hell she's doing. Everything Nikki has ever done, every opportunity she has ever been given, she didn't know what the hell she was doing when she said yes....she just said YES.
Nikki cannot and does not associate with dream killers. Nikki does not hang around stupid people. Nikki is not going to listen to your stupid opinions especially if you don't have any spiritual knowledge above and beyond quoting bible scriptures. You have no experience with the law of attraction. You don't know how it works. You're too busy listening to other stupid people talking about Noah's Ark. You have no experience with the magic of believing and therefore all you do is keep creating nightmares.
YOU NEED TO LEARN SOME THINGS ABOUT HOW THE UNIVERSE OPERATES
Some of you sound so STUPID you should wear a muzzle
Nikki has little to no interest in some of the things people seem to like to do
Nikki is more inclined to be, amongst many other things, at home doing the kinds of things she enjoys....learning, creating and appeasing her curious mind
So, know that when you are talking to Nikki you are not speaking to the average person cuz Nikki isn't doing average shit and she doesn't have an average mind. Nikki has always been a "free-thinker" and done extra- ordinary shit.
The only reason Nikki is struggling in this moment is because she took a huge leap of faith and started her whole entire life over again. But she already has experienced massive success. What were you doing at 30 years old?
Nikki was CFO of a company by then. She was RECRUITED into every job she ever got in corporate America in that "dream come true" way. She MANIFESTED the things she got through the use of law of attraction. She didn't know what the hell she was doing. She wasn't perfect before she stepped into her roles.
Dr Boyce Watkins: A letter to the corporate negro – here’s how white supremacist institutions are able to control your self-esteem
What did you do with all your education? What did you study? What do you do in your spare time? Nikki is always learning and growing.
Instead of always trying to tell Nikki what to do, maybe you have some things to LEARN
THIS IS NIKKI:
THIS IS YOU:
Understand that Nikki has been pushed all of her life to take risks she was scared to take. Even something as simple as being scared to swim, her uncle picked her up and threw here in the pool and told her to learn (yes she took swimming lessons too but she had to get over her fear). In spite of all of her insecurities and issues, Nikki has been thrown into situations where she didn't know shit about shit and was forced to problem solve and figure things out. This tapped into Nikki's joy of learning as well as her creativity. Nikki became good at things like MS Excel in her career not because she intended to be a master but because she was interested in making her job and everyone's job easier. The first day her boss handed her a bunch of pieces of paper and an adding machine Nikki was already contemplating how she could make her life easier. Nikki jumps in head first and doesn't always know what she's doing. When she first moved to Vegas she didn't know shit about casino operations but withing a very short period of time she was forced in her work to produce documents such as these:
I may not be perfect but at least I'm fun and most of all, at least I'm not sitting on the sidelines of life hiding and criticizing everyone else who has the courage to simply go for it
Before you go dishing out a bunch of advice to Nikki ask yourself if you are modeling an existence she should aspire toward
Waiting for perfection is dumb. And perfectionists are annoying
“Perfectionism doesn't believe in practice shots. It doesn't believe in improvement. Perfectionism has never heard that anything worth doing is worth doing badly--and that if we allow ourselves to do something badly we might in time become quite good at it. Perfectionism measures our beginner's work against the finished work of masters. Perfectionism thrives on comparison and competition. It doesn't know how to say, "Good try," or "Job well done." The critic does not believe in creative glee--or any glee at all, for that matter. No, perfectionism is a serious matter.”
― Julia Cameron, Finding Water: The Art of Perseverance
All you have to do is spend 2 seconds on the strip to realize people will pay for just about anything. In Nikki's world, perfection is way overrated.
Some people are real good at talking and giving advice but they suck at listening. They think they know everything and want to tell you what to do, who to be and how to live your life before they even know anything about you. There are some people who are full of you should do this and you need to do that when they have no idea who you are, what you've been through and what you're capable of. Nikki can't stand people like that
People like that are a pain in the ass and remind me of growing up with a narcissist. You end up feeling lonely and abandoned by a person who is constantly giving you the message of "I don't care what you think you need, I know what's best for you and you need to do what I'm telling you to do. I'm right you're wrong." And the person doesn't even know shit about you.
You may have talent and inspire Nikki musically
But does your life prove that you know how to capitalize on your talent and be successful? If you want someone to follow you, your leadership needs to make sense
Some people have a whole lot to say and a whole lot of advice to give. I mean look at where you are, listen to what you say, listen to how you feel,....why in the world do you think Nikki would follow you? Follow you where and follow you why?
The main people always flappin' their gums trying to tell you what you should do are the same people that need to shut up and worry about their own lives.
My "BRAND" is ENTERTAINMENT not music scholar or PHD Maestro Nikki. If you have to use autotune on me, I'm okay with that as long as I'm entertaining and getting paid. AGAIN I TAKE MYSELF SERIOUSLY JUST NOT TO THE POINT THAT I'M GOING TO LET IT HOLD ME BACK.
I'm sure we can find a way to co-exist but PLEASE stop trying to make me into who YOU want to be or what you think I SHOULD be. I'm not that and I'm not you. I'm an entertainer with musical talent but I don't aspire to do the same things that you do. I take myself seriously and I do have perfectionistic tendencies but for different reasons. I can't say I'm not a perfectionist because I can sit here for 3 hours trying to figure out to crop an image exactly the way I want it.
I want to make sure serious musicians understand that while their life goes down 1 LANE that I have about 100 lanes I travel on at any given point in time and I'm good at quite a few but a master of none.
I leave that mastery to YOU and all those that aspire to be that master. The only thing I'm mastering these days is being a master goofball.
There are MANY different roads to success. I'm in Nikki's master's program of doing whatever the fuck my inner spirit guide tell me to do.
And that doesn't necessarily include listening to you
Now who would be so cruel, so awful, as to fight someone's creative recovery? Short answer: OTHER creative people who are NOT trying to recover.
An artist must feel secure. We saw that in Week 1. Part of that security is having safe companions: people who will encourage your work, your determination, and your results. It's not a difficult concept. But take someone who is blocked themselves and who see you recovering. How does this make them feel? Usually, they end up pretty much FREAKED OUT!
Think about it. Here I am, a person who knows (inside) that I'm a writer/actor/sculptor/painter. No, I'm not doing any of that right NOW, but I will someday. Um...I *think* I am...I mean, that doesn't sound too arrogant, right? That I think I'm an artist? I could paint something really pretty and...I mean, SOME DAY, not now. And maybe I could...er...give it as a gift? No, it won't be good enough right away, but maybe after YEARS and YEARS of hard work...
But what do I see here? A person who believes they're an artist, and who is - gasp! - DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Oh, no no no no! That's just stupid! Everyone knows that you have to suffer/starve/study for decades before you can even start to think of yourself that way. Right? Right?
Ever know someone who was drinking too much and decided to quit (or at least cut way down)? Notice how some people around them DIS-couraged this move. "Oh, your drinking is FINE! It's SOCIAL! Hey, I don't want to drink alone, have a few more!"
I know: it makes no sense. A recovering artist/alcoholic/addict would (you'd think) inspire admiration, not adversity. But whoever said people made sense? Fact is, blocked artist (or addicted) friends may well find your recovery disturbing, and may actively fight it. Why? Another easy one: BECAUSE IF YOU COULD DO IT, SO COULD THEY. That would require facing their own demons.
What could be scarier?
So they damn you with faint praise, or patronize you as "OK....for a beginner." And you fall for it, giving in to your own fears with the excuse that someone on the outside sees you for what you "really" are.
What THEY really are....are frightened idiots.
Be careful and safeguard that recovering artist in you. Facing the fears INSIDE is the hardest part; the badgering you get from the OUTSIDE voices only reinforce the inside ones. If I were to tell you, over and over and over, "you are a purple elephant," would you believe it? Of course not. At first you'd be amused....then annoyed....and eventually you'd want to shove socks down my throat. Big ones? Why? Because you know it's not true. It's ridiculous! You KNOW the truth!
Yeah. You do. It's not QUITE as ingrained as the fact that you are NOT a purple elephant, but the truth IS in you. Protect it. Nurture it. And let the poisonous playmates go and find other playmates. Maybe you can all get together at your first major show. You can give them a special discount....and you have my permission to be smug about it.
A word of warning: these early days need special protection. DON'T let people read your morning pages (not even YOU). DON'T go running to someone who doubts you with your very first sketch or painting or story, and wait with bated breath for their lavish praise. You won't get it. ALL change is scary. Why shouldn't YOUR changes be just as scary to them?
The Artist's Way: Poisonous Playmates & Crazymakers!
Okay so I started this post a while ago back in July and have been updating it as more things come up for me. When you are a person who has spent your life numbing out your feelings in one way or another, sometimes it takes time to even know what you feel, what you think, why you have the feelings, etc. That is what the beautiful gift of writing, journalling and contemplation has done for me. Given a voice to feelings I didn't necessarily even know I had.
I started this post off thinking it was going to be some lighthearted post about me saying I'm an entertainer not a perfectionist leave me alone but the more I explore the subject the more is coming up for me like peeling away layers of an onion.
And then last night everything inside me kind of exploded.
“Anger is fuel. We feel it and we want to do something. Hit someone, break something, throw a fit, smash a fist into the wall, tell those bastards. But we are nice people , and what we do with our anger is stuff it, deny it, bury it, block it, hide it, lie about it, medicate it, muffle it, and ignore it. We do everything but listen to it. Anger is meant to be listened to. . . Because anger is a map. Anger shows us what our boundaries are. Anger shows us where we want to go. . . Anger is not the action itself. It is action’s invitation."
Read more at:http://skinnyartist.com/an-artists-bookshelf-the-artists-way-by-julia-cameron/
My inner reflections is not a linear process. But since I am trying to tell a story in some sense, there are limitations in doing in this web blog setting that i would necessarily have if I was trying to write a book piece by piece in order. A lot of what I wrote below came from the explosion of NuclearNikki and now as I continue to write new content will be added to this whole thing and probably by the end I will be full of contradictions. I know I started off with a lighthearted intention of declaring myself an entertainer and fuck you goodnight but in the process, I realized it all runs so much deeper than my original intention....So it's not linear and all I can say to that is #dealwithit.
So. To answer. Why you all mad and in your feelings. I now have more clarity and again I'm going to contradict myself I'm sure. It is more important for me to tell my story from my perspective in whatever creative way I choose to tell it. #thatswhateditorsarefor
I'm mad or I got mad. The emotional bombs went off in my body as I laid down to go to sleep listening to and watching some of my videos on youtube. I just went nuclear and it's because I realized that even though I can sit here at 46 years old and look back on all of my successes and all the risks I have taken, it's easy to forget all of the ways I didn't take any risks. All the ways that I lived my life failing myself, lying to myself and to the world about my inner desires and longings, my feelings and what I really wanted to do.
I abandoned myself and all my true passion and heart's desires for a very very long time and I spent a lot of time in a lot of pain about neglecting this deep inner feeling. It's easy for me to now say all this shit because I'm finally going for it but if you step back into the wayback machine of my life, you have no idea how I have struggled with my inner demons. And as this has and is coming up for me, I thank god for the safe space to RANT and go ballistic about it.
No one knows how tremendous of a struggle it has been for Nikki to finally accept herself, her dreams of being on the stage and being successful at it.
My own mother can attest to how extremely insecure and sensitive I was as a child, how much anxiety I always experienced and how incredibly hard I was on myself. In fact I have been very hard on myself about everything and hypercritical in everything I have ever done. If she were to ever tell her side of the story I'm sure it would be much different about how many times she had to pick me up off the floor because I thought life would be over after some little micro-drama happened in Nikki's day. All the years she spent listening to me cry and be sad and hurt or scared over something someone said. All the nightmares I used to have and all the nights Nikki screamed out "mom can I sleep in your bed." All the times she had to rush me to the hospital because I was having an asthma attack. All the recitals where she sat in the audience screaming my name and cheering me on. If my Dad was alive he woulld probably tell similar stories of how Nikki was afraid of everything and was not like most kids, how she wouldn't even get on a rollercoaster unless he got on with her first.
As much as Nikki has been able to accomplish in her life she has done it facing tremendous fear, insecurity and self doubt. Everything has been like going through a massive obstacle course of mental mind fuckery that has stopped Nikki from doing the things Nikki REALLY wanted to do.
One day maybe I will see if my mother would like to write something telling her side of what she experienced having to grow up with a daughter such as myself so full of so many ridiculous fears. And she and my Dad were the ones that had to deal with all of Nikki's emotions and yet continue to support her and sometimes PUSH her into doing things she wanted to do
If it wasn't for all the times my mom and dad had to listen to my cry, see my fear, watch my heart break, be at every show, cheer from the audience, PAY for all my classes, and encourage me to keep going, my whole entire life would have probably gone absolutely no where. As a grown woman who has done a lot of self examination, reading, etc I understand myself so much better now but really, I'm sure my mother would have a whole different side to the story about how much she had to actually help me and support me to get me unstuck. If it were up to Nikki and her inner critic she would have never gotten anywhere doing anything. And I mean not a god damn thing.
I have no idea where I got this document from and maybe I'll quote the source later when I find it but this is so spot on
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The Drama of the Gifted Child- Narcissism and the False Self
The Drama of the Gifted Child- Grandiosity and Depression
No matter how much people would encourage and support Nikki and compliment her on her talents and abilities, Nikki could not get past her mental obstacles. Nikki could receive 100 compliments and yet one mistake or one comment would set Nikki back and make her feel like an epic failure. Someone could say you played that song perfectly now in measure 42, I want you to play more softly. Nikki would receive such a comment like
Nikki can talk a lot of shit NOW saying look at all I've done and achieved, I'm a risk taker, etc....but let's go back in the way back machine for a second and look at all things I wanted to do but never did, or quit once I tried, or whatever. Let's just take a look back at the hell the demons in my mind have put me through...in no particular order and to the best of my memory
Dance Teacher: I don't know why Nicole is so lazy. She has all the talent, strength and flexibility for this but she won't try. She won't work hard.
Nikki (inside): I can't, I'm scared. Any criticism is like a fatal blow that makes me scared to try and put myself out there. Believes everyone is better than her especially her cousin Melvina. On the outside, acts like she doesn't care. Ultimately develops bulimia, instead of going to class gets high until she passes out. Instead of going to class goes around the corner to stuff her face then throw up.
2 year old Nikki: would go to all the Raiders, A's and Warrior games with her mom and dad. Learned the Star Spangled Banner by heart. Would sing freely at the games and belt it out on demand at any point when someone wanted to hear it (at her mom's prompting).
Child Nikki: Could barely muster up enough courage to sing Yes Jesus Loves Me in front of the church congregation. ALWAYS WANTED to be in the church choir
Adolescent Nikki: preparing for dance school recital everyone has to sing in audition. Nikki prepares nothing is scared to sing and finally sings Happy Birthday. Nerves shot
Teenage Nikki: Would not audition for parts in anything. Could not sing solo in front of anyone . Never sang in anything except choir in junior high and high school. Never a regular church choir
Young Adult Nikki: stopped singing altogether
Nikki Age 39:
-finally joins a choir but only because no audition was required
-finally sings in a trio for a meditation service with much internal angst and drama
-never sang a solo or duet in choirs even though encouraged to
Nikki Age 41:
-finally joins a singing group
Nikki Age 42
-when asked to sing lead on a song for an event, made it a duet instead and finally did it
Nikki Age 43
-finally has the courage to get up in front of a bunch of serious professional musicians and sing karaoke
Nikki Age 45
-finally has the courage to sing an acapella prayer in front of a room full of people she didn't know (see West Los Angeles Choir story below)
Nikki Age 46
-in spite of all the encouragement one could possibly get in the world, has never sang lead publicly on any song EVER in a performance setting (still a work in progress)
Violin Teacher: You are very good, you should audition for orchestra at UC Berkeley
Nikki (inside): No way. I'm not good enough, I'm too scared to audition. Everyone is better than me. Does not pursue it. Meanwhile gets drunk and high with boyfriend. 20 years later finally joins choir at CSN and auditions for seating
High School Choir: We're gonna have you sing a solo
Adult Choir: So when you gonna sing a solo
Nikki: No thank you
Basketball Coach: We want you to try out for the varsity team
Nikki: Leaves tryouts never returns
Softball Coach: We want you to try out for the varsity team
Nikki: Observes varsity practice, quits playing softball
Cheerleading: Wants to tryout
Nikki: Watches tryouts assumes everyone is better than her, never ever tries out
Church choir: Always wanted to be in one. Goes to meeting at West Los Angeles Church
Nikki: Finds out you have to audition, never goes back. 10 years later, Nikki is forced by someone standing next to her to say the prayer in a room full of people she barely knows. Nikki finally has the courage to SING the Lord's Prayer Acapella. The song she originally heard at West Los Angeles Church. Even though Nikki longed to be in a choir, it was 4 years after the West Los Angeles meeting that she finally found one
High School Air Guitar Contest:
Nikki, her cousin and friend Karla put together a routine to Shake Your Tailfeather from the Blues Brothers and off shoot of a number learned in dance school. We audition and the guy told us, the act is good but you as the lead singer (NIKKI) need to learn the lyrics to the song. What does Nikki do? Bows out of the competition and forces the group not to perform. After show teacher says: I'm disappointed you guys dropped out, you would have most likely won
College Step Team: Wants to do it so bad.
Nikki: Says she will never go through the hazing process (which is actually true) and never explores it further
On more than one occasion: Why don't you come sit in with the band sometime? OR We want you to come play for us at _____
Nikki (inside): I have no idea what to play. I don't want to play by myself, let me find someone better who can do it instead of me
-Until the age of 45 years old. Nikki has never ever in her life stood up in front of an audience in an actual show and played a solo on violin. Only recitals. She started playing when she was 8 years old
-For a long time, Nikki never played her violin. One day in the late 90's or early 2000's Nikki decided to go buy a silent violin so she could practice and play at home. Nikki was so excited that she stayed up all night playing. The next morning husband who never ever heard her play says: "that thing isn't silent."
Nikki's reaction: Devastated. Doesn't play again for several months
-Nikki would often play violin and learn music by ear. Of course that includes listening to the same song repeatedly. One of Nikki's many favorites is Question With No Answer by Jean Luc Ponty. Husband said song sounded like screeching cats and would always make fun of the song
Nikki runs first leg in relay rac.e we won
Dad says: You didn't run as hard as everybody else
Nikki: never runs track again
Adult Choir Piano Player: having a bad day one practice says YOU'RE TOO LOUD
Nikki: So devastated contemplates quitting choir
Nikki plays same song from previous year. Too scared to mess up on a new song she was working on
Dad: I noticed you played the same song from last year. I'm disappointed you didn't play the new song
Early years in African Dance class:
Nikki: Drops sticks in the middle of class thinks they will never let me play dun duns ever again
Nikki: Doesn't think she's not learning the pattern fast enough. Thinks they will never invite her to play for class again
Early Drum Teacher: We should perform at First Friday
Nikki: No way. I'm not ready for that
Any teacher: Improvise. Play what you hear
Any Tap teacher: improvise, do something from within you
Nikki: No thank you
Violin: in spite of learning Rhythm of Hope by Jean Luc Ponty at age 19. No one except my teacher and ex-husband has ever heard Nikki try to play it until it was loaded on my youtube channel
English class 9th grade: required to make a speech in front of the class
Nikki: Almost fails the class because she's too scared to get up in front of the class and make the speech. Barely even tries to prepare one. Gets a C in the class
9th Grade Algebra: Nikki is put in the most advanced algebra class in school based on the results of her placement tests
Nikki: so stuck on "why x, why not abc" Nikki could not move past that simple question thought everyone was smarter than her, dropped out of that class and put in the lowest level algebra class and had to get a tutor just to pass the class
College Freshman English Teacher: tells Nikki she's a good writer. But also critiques and asks questions on the papers she turned in
Nikki: concluded she's not a good writer and decided something more finite like accounting where 1+1 always equals 2 would be less confusing and subject her to less criticism. Never ever thought of herself as a good creative writer, never allowed her writing to be shared
Music production class: Nikki shares the song/beat she produced with her husband
Husband: Sounds like _________________ (whatever he said is was either something negative or something Nikki perceived as negative)
Nikki: doesn't even share what she produced with the class. Pretended like she never created anything. Beats and music she created finally made publicl 7 years later (no one ever heard them before)
Tap Dance: Started substitute teaching and one day fell trying to demonstrate a step
Nikki: Humiliated, never taught class again
-Hair dresser convinced Nikki that she should send in pictures and apply with an agency. Applied, was rejected by the one agency never pursued it again
-in the beginning Nikki used to go out onto the runway and literally run off
Sewing: Decided to take up sewing again, pulled out my sewing machine from the 1970's that my mom bought me. Made some shorts. Someone made a comment about how they fit on my body. Stopped sewing
All the strength, athletic ability, flexibility (double jointed), to be great. Quit because (a) afraid to fall down (b) embarrassed if I did fall down
First top three pick in any game on the playground. Football, kickball, softball, basketball, dodgeball. Whoop anyone's ass in tetherball, four square, hop scotch, jacks, board games, whatever. Never thought I was all that great
Childhood Violin Solo Ensembles and Recitals
Hated them. Could not play well because hands would not stop shaking due to anxiety
Tie Dye: decided to tie dye a t-shirt. Friend said "oh did you make it yourself?" Nikki said "yes" Friend: "oh I can tell because the thread is still white around the collar and you were supposed to _______. Nikki never made a tie dye t-shirt in front of her again
Tap Dance: Finally choreographed a piece and had the courage to do a little bit of it for teacher. Teacher says "Seems cool but I couldn't hear it". Nikki assumes it was horrible and drops the whole thing. Later finds out the teacher meant she couldn't hear the music it was turned down too low. Nikki has never choreographed a tap piece ever again
Of course, this didn't just happen in all areas of Nikki's performing arts or young life. Even in her college and corporate life Nikki has had to overcome so much just to keep going.
College choice: Nikki always had a dream of moving to LA and working in Entertainment. She got into UCLA and UC Berkeley and told her mom she wanted to go to UCLA. Nikki's mom said if you go to UCLA you will have to pay for everything.
Nikki stayed at home and went to Berkeley.
Recruitment: heavily recruited and received offers from 5 out of 6 of the Big 6 CPA firms (or maybe 4...can't remember). Still devastated that Arthur Andersen didn't immediately ask her to come in for an in-house interview like all the other firm. They came in after the fact asking if I was interested in coming in for an in-house after I already accepted a job offer from PW.
Price Waterhouse: Normally it takes 6 years to get promoted to manager. Nikki had no idea that after only 4 1/2 years she was being considered by the partners to be promoted early to manager. Nikki didn't get the promotion but once she found out that she was up for it and didn't get it she asked why no one ever told her. They said "we never told you because we thought you would be too hard on yourself". After the devastating blow and embarrassment of finding out on her 28th birthday that she didn't get the promotion, she finally decided to PW's office in LA which she had been whining for all 4 years asking for more entertainment clients in San Francisco rather than just taking the risk and moving. Essentially the Universe FORCED her to finally suffer the disappointing consequences of not following your dreams
Nikki could write a 20 page document and someone could say something like "you have a typo in the third paragraph on page 12". What would Nikki hear instead?
They say a picture is worth a thousand words so here's Nikki's lifelong battled with her fears summed up in a snapshot
The other thing that confounded EVERYTHING is growing up living in an apartment building which made it much harder to find space to practice without worrying about making noise. Nikki has never in her life lived in a house where she can practice anything at any time of day or night. How is someone supposed to get good at an instrument or dance with no place to practice? I mean really, now that I'm going back down memory lane a little bit, it's confounding me...how did I ever even accomplish anything?
I tell the story of my husband being a complete pain in the ass however I'm sure he can tell you what it was like living with someone who was so sensitive and easily defeated by criticism. I will give him credit for having to spend many years of our relationship listening to me warbling in the shower when I finally had the courage to do it in front of him. I would never EVER sing in front of ANYONE except him. In fact if he were to EVER see me now vs who I was back then, he would probably be wondering
Even me writing and expressing myself in this way is a tremendous act of courage for me. Every costume that I've made or designed from scratch, the design of my website, the creation of my business cards...EVERYTHING. I didn't know how to do ANY OF IT. I made a decision and I sat down, I learned and I did it. I've done as an act of courage and it's all been created by ME because I didn't have the money to pay anyone else anyway. It's all me, all things that I had to sit down and have the courage to first of all create and then secondly put out there. Even the videos I've had to edit. I had to do it all because I had no money to pay anyone else to do it. The editing of audios, putting together clips, everything has been an act of complete courage for Nikki to just say FUCK IT and DO IT and not worry about being perfect.
One of the most liberating things I have ever done is to expose as much of myself as I can "warts and all" via youtube so I could stop being afraid of being wrong, off-key, out of tune, off beat, whatever. The POINT was to set myself free and acknowledge and celebrate the fact that I am talented, I DO have talent and I'm not going to sit on the sidelines of life like I see so many of the most talented people I have ever met do because they have to have the absolute BEST and perfect video, performance, etc.
Nikki has already been about that blood sweat and tears life and it's nothing but MISERY. Do you think Nikki wants to mope around like you doing the things she loves the most? If I have to make a complete ASS out of myself, the NIKKIASS BRAND, to prove to the world that you don't have to be perfect to be fulfilled I WILL DO IT cuz it's better than living like you with all that fuckin' talent and HIDING IT. I'll look like an ass all day long if I'm having fun and enjoying myself> Maybe my bafoonery will give your gloomy ass something to laugh and smile about
I EXPOSED and am EXPOSING myself on purpose so I could stop being afraid of having to be perfect and to celebrate all the damn talent God has given me that I'm now sharing with the world. THIS IS NIKKI'S LIFE JOURNEY NOT NIKKI'S FUCKING BRAND.
I've met so many of the world's most talented people and they have books unpublished/unfinished sitting in boxes in their closet, songs they've written but never shared, instruments they've invented, bands they want to put together but never do it, drawings they never share with anyone, whole plays and shows they've created but never put out there. I mean the list goes on and on of all the people I have met who are so amazing and have all their dreams hiding in the closets of their minds. Nikki knows that life already, she lived it and it's like dying a slow fucking death. I have used countless ways trying to numb myself out and ease the pain of not living a fulfilled life.
So now that you have a little bit more background on Nikki, let me continue where I left off on my RANTING.
You SUCK not because of your talent but because your mind is GARBAGE. And the reason I recognize it is because I had a garbage ass brain just like yours. I used to live my life just like you do now always finding something to criticize about myself or someone else. Akways beating myself up for making mistakes, being too scared to even try and not knowing even how to fix it. You suck because you remind me of who I used to be, who I never ever want to be and how I never ever want to feel again.
You don't know my story, what I've been through. Music is not a fucking BRAND to me, MUSIC SAVED MY FUCKIN LIFE. If it weren't for music, I could have never made it through all the things I've been through. You may have been through a lot yourself but cry me a fuckin' river buddy if you knew all the shit I've been through and still survived you'd be amazed. Of course you're too busy talking about what you think you know rather than listening. NIGGA YOU DON'T KNOW NIKKI.
You have no idea how much I have gone through to come out of my shell and to be able to see myself on TV and be happy with my performance. To get up on stage in front of people and dance. Do you know how much inner work Nikki has had to do and how much courage and self love it has taken to get up and share the stage and television with a bunch of amazing professional dancers and STILL feel good about herself? To be in a dance class with them and get out there and give it her all in spite of being a fat ass? To stop beating herself up and holding herself back from doing the things she loves. To stop being her own worst enemy and saboteur? To say fuck it and dance anyway and stop worrying about who may be laughing at me and how much I'm hurting my "brand"/image? To not wait until I'm skinny to get out there and DO ME? To make my own way out of no way?
Do you know how many years I drummed for dancers and had to not only sit there longing to dance my own self but to have to listen to them saying things like well you're a drummer you're not a dancer you don't understand. Do you know how much hiding it had to take for Nikki to be that insulted by such comments and still take FOREVER to finally have the courage to come out from behind the drum?
When you see Nikki on stage, in rehearsals, happy making music, you see pure joy because she knows what hell feels like
You have no idea my life, my story everything I went through growing up in dance with my body image issues NOTHING. You don't know how much work I've had to do on myself to be able to get up in front of people PERIOD let alone dance and feel good about my body.
If you see me in my tap videos, I would never even stop looking at the floor in dance class. You have NO IDEA what I have been through and how hard it has been for me to come our of my shell. NO CLUE.
Do you think Nikki gave up the last 2 years on her contract, her comfort, her salary, benefits and suffered through all this financial hardship to revamp her life to BE LIKE YOU? Do you know how awful it was for Nikki to sit there right in the HEART of her dreams and deal with all the people who just saw her as some bean counter? HUH?? Sitting in creative meetings with people telling me I don't understand because I'm just the finance person? NO YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ME!
You've been perfecting your craft doing this shit your whole god damned life with the world telling you how amazing you are and yet you still HIDE because you think you're not perfect.
You don't know who I am, You don't know shit, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO NIKKI IS, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I COME FROM, YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME AND THAT'S WHY IN THE FUCK YOU ARE SO IRRITATING BECAUSE YOU ASSUME FACTS NOT IN EVIDENCE AND START TALKING ABOUT WHAT NIKKI SHOULD DO.
WELL WHAT YOU SHOULD DO IS SHUT THE FUCK UP, WORRY ABOUT WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING AND FUCKING DO IT SO NIKKI FINALLY HAS SOMETHING TO ASPIRE TO.
A lot of times I think you are such a brilliant person but then you make me have serious doubts
Nigga what is your brand then? As great as you are yo' ass didn't even have an up to date mutha fuckin' resume and you want to talk about BRANDING? What have you done to brand your own god damn self besides come up with a name and an empty youtube channel waiting for the day you can make perfect videos? You keep talking about I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that and WHAT IS THE REALITY? ALL that talk about what you're going to do and what have you actually done?
Now I'm doing my very best to tell my stories and talk about my feelings without revealing to the world who you are but it is very difficult. You Love Having Me Around but then think I don't love you because I don't keep you around or do more to cultivate our friendship. And Nikki does love you as a person and thinks you are a wonderful well-intentioned well meaning individual but really, when I think about it, I hate having you around probably about 70-80% of the time and everything I've said is the exact reason why. The only thing you probably get right 99% of the time is Nikki's food needs. That's it. You are EXCELLENT when it comes to that.
You're the type of person that will demand that Nikki should turn left when she knows she needs to turn right. If you think about all the little arguments we've had and you getting mad or me getting mad....we don't FIT because your BEHAVIOR DRIVES ME FUCKING NUTS.
The most simplest example. We are forced to play together being the only 2 drummers. You are new to the genre and are always backstage asking me "what's my part again." Even though Nikki is not a lead drummer and doesn't know how to mark dancers steps, she is forced to play lead and at the very least play the breaks. Nikki has been dancing in one form or another all her life and has spent over 6 years off and on playing in dance class and for performances. Nikki has also been taking dance classes to live drumming off and on for several years. You just started doing it a year ago. We get on stage, we play and towards the end of the routine you're yelling at Nikki saying "PLAY THE BREAK" in the wrong fucking place. Nikki ignores you plays it in the right place and the piece is finished successfully.
Nikki is not saying she was spectacular or better than anybody but TRUTH BE TOLD, what I hate about being around you is not only do you try to tell me what to do but 9 times out of 10 what you are telling me is WRONG, STUPID or some combination thereof. And even when I ask you for advice, I specifically ask you to help me with XYZ and yet you don't hear me and start talking about ABC. Then you get mad at Nikki because she doesn't care to listen to what the fuck you have to say.
The problem is, that you are very smart but you make no sense a lot of times and then you get mad and frustrated and feel all "hurt" because I won't listen.
You want to tell Nikki and teach Nikki things that you think she should know when Nikki could give a fuck less. Just think about all the times you have insisted on telling Nikki something you think she needs to know, Nikki has said "I don't care about that" and you keep on pushing. From the moment I met you, I should have never opened the door when you insisted on teaching me some shit about a dotted quarter note I didn't care about. I told you I didn't want to know, you insisted on writing it down and forcing me to pay attention. From the very beginning I have resisted so many things you have come at me with even shit as stupid as you thinking that by me working on my cooking skills I could eventually open a cake business. Nigga don't even know me already got ideas about what I can do with my life.
Nikki will say, "will you show me X?" and you insist on showing her "Y".
Everything feels like a debate where it seems imperative that Nikki has to agree with you or see things your way. From the very beginning debating about polygamy, why it's not wrong for a man to want to have beautiful women as friends...I mean the list goes on and on of the debates and Nikki just saying okay just agree to disagree and move on. It's always "LISTEN TO ME" and Nikki doesn't want to listen because too many times she deep down doesn't agree with whatever the fuck it is you have to say but you INSIST that she see things your way. IT'S ANNOYING. When it comes to Nikki your instincts are just so off.
I should have known when I met you and you were talking about your ex and women in general and said "why are ya'll always wrong?" That I should have just avoided you and your backward ass way of thinking.
Now it may be WRONG of me to use my blog as a means to discuss my feelings without discussing them with you directly but you exhaust me (and I'm pretty sure in so many ways I exhaust you too) with always insisting on being right that I don't even care to discuss it. Like fuck it, I don't have to convince you of anything I just don't want to be around you as a close friend outside of the normal larger social circle. There are plenty of people you can be friends with and plenty of people who like you and like being around you.
I just can't help the way your behavior makes me feel over and over and over again and so it took me a while but I realize when you're not around there's nothing in me that says I wish he were here. And how can I tell you that without feeling horrible number one and then number two without worrying about you flying off the handle getting all mad and hurting Nikki back when I'm just trying to be honest? Then you are going to tell me all the things that are wrong with me how I'm crazy, how I'm snippy and difficult to be around or whatever. OKAY. THEN HIT THE ROAD JACK!
Seriously, it's not that I don't care about anyone but right now Nikki is finally trying to live the life she has never yet lived. She is not starved for friendships and going back to the way things used to be where she wasted all her time, energy and talent doing what other people told her to do. So it may sound cold as hell but I don't care what you think is wrong with me because being around you and having you around is not as important to me as me being happy with myself. Not right now. And of course you will insist that something is wrong with Nikki and that she needs help because she feels this way. It's a no fuckin' win situation. Okay. Then leave me alone until I get help. How about that?
I'm just saying. There's no winning in it and having to debate about it. I feel the way I feel and I'm happy with my decisions. It's TOO MUCH WORK.
I mean I'm happy to be casual friends, acquaintances, work together, all that but not that close. That's it. Even when I said I needed space, you got mad and we ended up in a fight. WHY BOTHER????? We're just not compatible friends perhaps because we are both too stubborn. Can't we just accept that?
It has taken all the courage and self-reflection in the world for me to get to the place of finally just saying it "out loud" and realizing that I really don't like being around you all that much because too many things feel like an exhausting battle. I mean when it comes to food, you are the MASTER at knowing exactly what Nikki needs sometimes before she even knows she needs it.
I mean whatever it is inside of you that says "Nikki needs chicken wings", if you tapped into that we'd probably be spectacular friends. Whatever it is you have in you that makes you know when to say "are you hungry" "did you eat" "do you want ____" "let me get you____"....THAT IS WHAT NIKKI LOVES LOVES LOVES. And maybe the difference is that you are ASKING not saying HERE EAT THIS OR ELSE. Or YOU MUST EAT THESE CHICKEN WINGS AND LIKE THEM or we're gonna have to debate what's wrong with Nikki and why she doesn't like the chicken. There's none of that. You're not INVESTED in being right about Nikki's food needs and desires.
But not the same when we get to the grocery store and Nikki tries to show you that a certain pack of fish is more economical and you dismiss Nikki. Of course Nikki being Nikki shows you that ONCE AGAIN, you're not right. So then I do the same thing you do. I have to insist and show you I'm right because I don't like someone making me feel like I'm wrong all the time and don't know what I'm doing or what I'm talking about.
Yes there have been a few times you have gotten things right especially a few months ago but even then Nikki had to scream at you crying almost hanging up in your face before you stopped with the yapping of trying to tell Nikki what she should or should not do. You listened, you heard her distress and then everything you did after that was PERFECT. SPOT ON. It was amazing.
It doesn't happen often enough though. Nikki doesn't want to have to be at the point of hysterical crying to be heard. Life with you is too much drama maybe because Nikki is older and you need someone who is younger to boss around that can use your kind of knowledge and wants to know what you want to teach. But that's not Nikki.
It's as if Nikki has said to herself, OKAY WORLD, I want to take banjo classes and you come along insisting that I need to learn how to defragment my hard drive. That's an example of how your behavior makes me feel. FRUSTRATED
I'm not saying you get it wrong all the time because sometimes you're amazing and get it so right. I mean I know I keep mentioning food but you got me with food for sure. Netflix was a very good call even though I cancelled it immediately after one of our fights.
Since you understand Nikki and her food needs so well and get an A++++ in that class, maybe I can use a food analogy to help explain why you get D's and F's in some others. So let me show you how you would get an F in Nikki's food class.
Nikki: I'm hungry
You: You're not hungry you just ate. Or you can't possibly be hungry. Or you need to go on a diet anyway suck it up.
Nikki: Will you please pass me that banana
You: Here eat this apple
Nikki: I'm full I don't want anymore
You: Finish everything on your plate
Nikki: I'm allergic to peanuts
You: But I made you a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. You have to try it.
Nikki: I hate coconut, even the smell makes me want to throw up
You (minutes later): What is wrong with you why did you just throw up all over the place?
Nikki: I don't like the taste of milk plus it gives me a stomach ache
You: Drink your milk it's good for you
Nikki: But I want water
You: I told you milk is better it has more nutrients
Then finally exasperated NIKKI EXPLODES and yells and screams I DON'T WANT ANY GOD DAMNED MILK. Storm out.
You (Follow): what's wrong with you, are you crazy? Why are you getting snippy with me. I never did anything to you. You need help.
I mean maybe there's something or someone in you dying to be able to be a father but Nikki doesn't need a father. Do you see how nonsensical it would be to handle Nikki's food needs and desires this way when she's a grown ass woman? That's the way you make me feel when you are always telling me what you think I should think, feel, say, do, etc and you've been doing it from the moment I met you. I mean think about all the bickering and battles we have had over you trying to tell me that I SHOULD be one way when I'm telling you I"m another way. I mean you should be fucking exhausted your damn self.
There's a song called "Beautiful Surprise" by India Arie and she says "whatever it is that you came to teach me, I am here to learn it." And on the one hand, in a spiritual sense, you have taught me so much and have helped me grow so much as a person. Of course this has made you an angel in my life. BUT you have taught me in ways I don't think you intended.
You say "I never want to hurt you" "I don't want to hurt you" and "I miss you." But the reality is, more than anything you're just pissing me off, getting on my nerves and wishing you'd get a tour somewhere and leave town because I feel HORRIBLE that I love you as a person but just learned through my dealings with you that I find you to be too much drama. And if I tell you that, you'll either get mad at me or flip it back on me saying something is wrong with me and that's why I don't have any close friends and am alone all the time, etc etc and it's like BUT I'M HAPPIER ALONE WORKING ON MYSELF AND MY ARTISTIC AND ENTREPRENEURIAL PURSUITS THAN BEING AROUND YOU.
And of course since you have to always be right, Nikki is gonna be wrong and something must be wrong with Nikki because of how she feels and chooses to live her life.
But think about it. Why do you want to keep coming around? Do you hear Nikki complaining about being unhappy or lonely or wishing she could meet more people and make more friends? NO.
You're the type of person that makes Nikki feel like she has to write a 10 page memo outlining all her feelings because she doesn't feel heard by you or that she has to go overboard in explaining everything to make sure she's understood and to "take care" of your feelings because she knows you're gonna get mad, shut down, lash out, or all of the above. OR it will be the emotional blackmail like the day you said "I GUESS I'M NOT WANTED AROUND HERE" and started sulking picking up all your stuff. Did Nikki feel guilty? NO. You were not wanted at that time. What was I supposed to say? You're right?
Who even wants to go through all the drama of the guilt trip if I tell you how I feel? NOT NIKKI.
I'm telling you that the freeway exit is one way, you insist that no I'm wrong it's a different way and then I have to PROVE to you that I'm right by showing you that you're wrong. It may seem passive aggressive of me to simply never call you again and never discuss my feelings with you but that's because first of all Nikki doesn't care enough to do it and she gets tired of arguing and hurting your feelings. So then what is Nikki supposed to do when you're saying "I miss you so much" and Nikki feels like wow I wish you didn't because you drive me crazy? Like can't we just be cool when we see each other on the circuit but not be close friends?
I'm not trying to change you or change anything about you but when you say you miss me, I don't really miss you and it saddens me to actually have to say that, I don't know how to say it to you except to hope that you just float away and not keep trying to be close friends with Nikki. Sometimes your instincts are completely on point and very good and you do a great job listening to Nikki and making adjustments but it's too much work. You want to lead Nikki but you haven't done anything to prove you're worthy to be followed.
And you can say well Nikki has problems with male authority but it's bullshit because you can look at the entirety of my career, listen and watch my youtube videos, and see that I love male authority, You can see me getting even "yelled at" by my teacher sometimes and even though it has been hard on Nikki and her tender feelings sometimes, somehow, Nikki enjoyed being around them and respected their authority. But with you? I just don't like YOUR authority. You are a very smart person but you act stupid and even though you may not think you are, you can be very domineering and controlling. I have no idea why but I cannot stand it. I have no problem sitting back and letting people take the lead but with you for some reason because you INSIST on being right, you are completely AGGRAVATING.
You want to be a leader be someone worthy of following dummy.
If you ever read this it will probably crush your balls and make you hella mad at me but you're being a stupid fucking idiot and I hope I make you mad enough to go and "make that change." Of course in one of our fights I have already told you my feelings so it's not like things have never been said but now I'm going DEEP into all of it so I can get it out my system and hopefully be done with it without having to get into any drama with you or argue about why you're right and I'm wrong. Nigga I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK BECAUSE Nikki knows what Nikki thinks and feels and is not in the mood for a debate.
At the end of the day, I respect the amazing talent that you have and your musicianship and I am in AWE of that. But, everything else is just too much and I know I'm gonna hurt your feelings over and over again so why bother letting you back in? I mean really and truly if you ever come across this and read this, I know you will know who I'm talking about and if I hurt your feelings, I really don't give a fuck because you hurt mine every time I watch you be among some of the most amazingly talented and gifted musicians I have met but you painfully remind me of how depressing it is when you don't even see how great you are. You are a reminder of my past and what I'm leaving behind but you won't be in my future because you drive me nuts and insist "i did nothing wrong" and "at least I treat you better than Y". Well if Y was scraping the bottom of the barrel, and Nikki realizes it, why in the fuck would she keep her standards so low and accept so little? AGAIN. ANOTHER DUMBASS ARGUMENT and statement.
Obviously Nikki has been through so much and is a fighter. There is so much that is worth fighting about and fighting for. But how is Nikki supposed to tell you, close friendship with you is not worth fighting about or fighting for?
Instead of you having enough BALLS to openly and proudly start sharing your gifts with the world perfect or not, you keep trying to come to Nikkiland bringing me bunch of crap I don't want.
So then, if you read this and you get mad or your feelings are hurt fuck it. Sometimes you have to love a person enough to set them free and tell them the truth of how you feel.
I DON'T LOVE HAVING YOU AROUND. I LOVE SEEING YOU SHINE ON STAGE PLAYING AND KICKING ASS
When I'm hot, I spit fire and if I piss you the fuck off by lighting your ass on fire, maybe you'll prove me completely wrong and Nikki will regret or have to eat these words. SO BE IT. . What I KNOW is that I will PROVE you wrong, inspire people by showing that anyone can be a stupid fucking idiot, just like Nikki, AND regain their sanity.
So nigga you mad? GOOD. FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR FEELINGS.
NIKKI DOESN'T WANT TO BE AROUND YOUR DELUSIONAL TOXIC ADVICE-GIVING ASS.
I'M SICK OF YOU SUPER TALENTED PEOPLE, SOME OF THE MOST TALENTED PEOPLE I HAVE EVER MET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, FRUSTRATING ME AND INFECTING ME WITH YOUR BULLSHIT PERFECTIONISM. THERE ARE NO DEVILS ALLOWED TO COME SUCKING THE JOY AND LIFE OUT OF NIKKILAND. IF YOU CAN'T BE A COCKY SON-OF-A-BITCH LIKE YOU SHOULD BE ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR TALENT, THEN THAT MEANS YOU'RE ALWAYS GONNA FIND A WAY TO BRING NIKKI DOWN AND THROW SHADE WITH YOUR BITCH-ASSED LOW SELF ESTEEM.
#TEAMNIKKI IS FOR WINNERS. IF YOU DON'T HAVE A WINNING ATTITUDE DON'T EVEN COME TO TRYOUTS. SHE DOESN'T RAISE HER POM POMS FOR IDIOTS. YOU CAN STUDY STUDY STUDY GET YOUR MASTERS YOUR PHD YOUR DOCTORATE AND WHATEVER THE FUCK ELSE YOU THINK YOU NEED. NIKKI'S MUSIC MAY NOT COME FROM A SHEET BUT'S SHE'S GOT HEART AND SHE'S GOT SOUL. AND SHE'S SUPERBAD
NOW GET OFF MY