You see, my friend is a raging alcoholic.
In fact, I'm not exactly really sure why he keeps trying to be around me or spend time with me because I am a recovered(ing)-from-all-kinds-of-addictions person and therefore, I currently do not drink, I don’t have any alcohol around me, I also don’t smoke anymore, etc.
When I say I’m recovered, I use that pretty loosely because I have an addictive personality and can become pretty obsessive about almost anything, work, gambling, shopping, spending, projects, reading, food, YOU NAME IT. I do my best to channel my energies into things that give me positive results in my life. With all that said however, I know that I cannot drink without my life going to crap and I haven’t had any alcohol or abused any type of drugs, since 1989. I recently saw Anthony Hopkins talking about artists and musicians having a compulsive type personality, and what he says really resonates with me.
Sometimes I’m pretty baffled that this guy wants to be around me when I feel like I’m always arguing with him and always telling him NO. Sometimes almost screaming at him NO I'M NOT DOING IT. NO I'M NOT TAKING YOU TO THE LIQUOR STORE, NO I'M NOT LOANING YOU MONEY, NO I'M NOT DUMB I KNOW YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO IN JUST TO BUY CIGARETTES OR LOOSIES...MISS ME WITH THE BULLSHIT NIKKA...I'M JUST LIKE YOU AND I KNOW YOU'RE LYING. So we end up fighting a lot because I just won't capitulate to his shenanigans. Why would I do that if I love him? Duh.
Sometimes he gets mad at me for a while and shuts me out. Doesn’t call me or speak to me and I weather that storm. I pray for him and I pray about it asking my Spirit what is the best thing I can do. Oftentimes I don't really know exactly what to do but I know in my heart of hearts that saying yes and feeding into his addiction is not an act of love.
The thing is that even though his affliction can be frustrating I have a lot of understanding and empathy about it because I know it’s not him. I know he’s not a bad person. I know how it feels actually from personal experience when you just simply want to stop but you can’t. And I know how it feels when people who don’t suffer from the same affliction can happily have one or two drinks or even a case of beer a day and still function and meanwhile your life is in the crapper because one drink, one beer, turns into a binge you can’t control. I have empathy because I know how that feels.
What I find the most frustrating and disturbing however, is all of his so-called friends who don’t take the time to get educated about alcoholism themselves. All they do is keep lecturing him about not drinking but then keep on partying all around him, inviting him to places where he will be tempted to drink, keep alcohol in the house, send him to the liquor store to buy beer and cigarettes…I mean I just get so fucking mad at all his so-called friends who are dumb enough to keep lecturing him about not drinking but keep drinking all around him and then when he’s drunk act like it’s funny.
I HATE IT
And then he has other so-called friends who have co-dependency issues and think they can control his drinking. All that does is make him act like a rebellious teenager and find ways to sneak and drink. And of course he thinks everyone around him is dumb and can’t see he’s drunk off his ass. Every time I hear his so-called "bro" berate him and put him down, I'm looking at my friend like CAN'T YOU SEE YOUR SO-CALLED BRO IS FUCKING IDIOT AND A PUSSY for using you to make his own pitiful lonely low self-esteem ass feel better? He loves putting you down and making fun of your drinking because it makes him feel better. WHAT A FUCKING "FRIEND."
Dump Your Toxic Friends
I just hate the fact that some of his so-called friends will not force the issue of him getting help because they NEED his talent. You know, kind of like that Michael Jackson thing where everyone just let that nikka fuck himself up because they didn’t care about him as a human being, they just wanted to get paid.
All I’m saying, I guess, is that this shit gets really old. I mean, I did stop hanging around him closely for about 6 months because I just could not deal with it and because I’m trying to remain healthy myself and I can’t be around toxicity like that constantly. PLUS, even if he was around me for several days and chose (for himself) not to drink, as soon as he got back into his toxic environment, he would be drinking again. So I felt and feel even MORE helpless because his DUMBASS "friends" just don't get it. In fact, they drink so much beer every day that they might simply be "functional" alcoholics themselves. I DON'T KNOW. I'M JUST FRUSTRATED AND HURT AND YET POWERLESS. I cannot control any of this, only admit that I'm mad as hell at his so-called "friends" way more than I get mad at him.
Like really, sometimes I wonder if everyone WANTS to for some odd reason keep him down and as a scapegoat so they don't have to fix their OWN lives. Recently we spent some time together and I’m just astonished that NO ONE around him has changed any of THEIR behavior while continuing to threaten and lecture him. WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING HYPOCRITES. Every time one of his so-called friends calls to invite him to some party, every time I hear partying in the background, I think to myself…these people are going to KILL HIM.
Didn't you fools see "Leaving Las Vegas"?
It really hurts me but I feel helpless like there's not a lot I can do. I cannot control people or force them to change. I am disgusted at all the so-called "men" around him who can't for the life of them stop drinking themselves, change their own enabling behavior and work together to figure out how to solve this problem. What is a woman supposed to do when she cannot count on the so-called men around her to actually act like MEN? I'M JUST SURRENDERED AND DISGUSTED.
How to stay sober when all your friends are drinking
Staying Sober When the World is Using
10 Things to Stop Doing If You Love an Alcoholic
Family Roles in Addiction Recovery I: The Hero and the Scapegoat
But did you all know that while you're putting him down and continually pointing the finger at him that he's probably healthier than all you mofos?
I wish you would all ask yourselves….
At what point do I get tired of being depressed doing the same shit every day? At what point, do you ALL get tired of wasting your life and decide to ask for help? At what point, does the partying every single day get old? At what point do you say to yourself, LOOK I HAVE A PROBLEM, WE HAVE A PROBLEM AND WE NEED HELP? I mean it is SO EASY to type this shit into GOOGLE and start learning. There are videos on youtube, all kinds of resources to LEARN about this problem if you are not ready to leave the house and go get help.
At what point do you look at your situation and see that what you’re doing ISN’T WORKING? When do you say, look I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, maybe we need to call a professional. At what point do you take a look at your own self and say hey wait a minute, we keep telling him to stop drinking but we are not helping him by keeping all this alcohol around and asking him to be around us when we drink. If he refuses to get help, at what point do you say I love him enough to get help myself because I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing? Are you all THAT SELFISH that you can't stop drinking and partying for a few months to provide him with a safer and more healthy environment?
I mean really, you all keep pointing the finger at him but what about you and YOUR drinking? At what point do you wake the fuck up and realize that you are KILLING the person that you claim you love? And yes, I love you all but a little part of me actually HATES you for it because I love him and you are NOT HELPING HIM. YOU ARE BEING SELFISH FINGER-POINTING BASTARD PRICKS WHO CONTINUE TO THROW GASOLINE ON THE FIRE.
SERIOUSLY. When does it all end?
Stop being selfish fucking prick idiots, GET HELP, EDUCATE YOURSELVES and FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP DRINKING AROUND HIM...BEER INCLUDED DUMMIES.
Beer Drinkers Can be Alcoholics
AND TO YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES WHO SEE HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC AND KEEP GIVING HIM DRINKS, WEED, ETC....
I love you but at the same time,
FUCK ALL OF YOU FUCKING IDIOT BASTARDS!!