I have, over the last year or so given a LOT of myself to a few people, especially one in particular who has taken a LOT of what I have had to give. When I met this person, they were just coming off a divorce/breakup, had very little to offer, etc and for some LAME reason I had that "sucker born every minute" stamp on my forehead that made the jesus in me do dumb shit.
This person kept getting to me and getting under my skin by suggesting that I'm selfish or that my actions are selfish or that I'm all about money. For example, when they needed a ride and I said I cannot because I don't have any gas at the moment, they would then say something like "why are you always about money?" or "why do people always have to be about money?" Or when this person wanted to come over to have something to eat, after the 100th time, me finally saying well are you going to buy the food? "Why does it always have to be about money." "You're all about money all the time."
In that process, we were contacted by this friend (who was really family but not by blood) who said that their 70+ year old uncle who had Alzheimers was missing after being airlifted off the freeway. To make a long story short, for a few months after the hurricane, I dedicated an enormous amount of my time and resources into not only finding THEIR uncle but also getting donations for THEIR cousins and helping them in any way that I can.
Not only that, I did a LOT for her and her entire family including both loaning her brother, her father and her sister money that some of them tried to not even pay back at first. When they were sick in the hospital, I was there. When I was sick in the hospital, they were not there. I'm not saying that they didn't do anything for me, but what I am saying is that they had definitely had their fuckin' nerve saying that I have always been selfish.
There are two other people in particular who I have had some recent similar issues with because they asked me to do them a favor or to help them and said they would pay me in a certain way/fashion (on a very discounted basis). After I delivered, they tried to renig. I called them on it and they were able to get under my skin by saying or implying that I'm selfish and I'm all about money. So basically it's okay for me to give you thousands of dollars worth of services and not okay for me to ask for the little bit of money or goods/services you promised to give me in return.
One day I noticed that in the process of this person cooking they used a whole entire roll of paper towels. Normally I get a roll for about 70 cents and it lasts me 2 weeks or even more. I also had some chips in my trunk that he kept eating and promised to replace. When he was ironing his clothes he used up almost a whole can of starch. Again something that usually last me for weeks on end. All told these items probably added up to $10 which is NOTHING in the grand scheme of life.
Here's what I had a problem with. Every time I dropped him off somewhere, he would run into the gas station and buy a drink. He would ask me if I wanted something and I would say "no thank you." There were times where he would go grab fast food and easily spend $10-$15 on fast food. So you would think it wouldn't be a big deal for me to say hey, can you please get some more paper towels, replace my chips and buy some more starch? But this nigga acted like he was going to lose his damn mind. YES he replaced these things but he actually started acting really snippy and shady like it was a big deal that I asked him to replace the things that he used. It really bothered me a lot. In fact, the day I took him to 99 cent store to get the starch (after he bought the paper towels...way more than I asked him to buy), he said "let's see, I didn't take a shit at your place so I guess I don't owe you any toilet paper."
The Pain of Being Invisible....Feeling wrong, bad or guilty is common for people involved with a narcissist, because we cannot be seen or accepted for who we really are. Instead we are viewed through thenarcissistic filter which makes us bad for having any needs at all. We find ourselves questioning our basic needs like eating, sleeping and having money in our pocket. We can easily be conditioned to believe we shouldn't have needs. Only the narcissist has needs and it is your job to take care of them. After the honeymoon phase is over you will likely find that he views your needs as a nuisance and any request made of the narcissist is met with hostility, either overt or covert.
Not only that, growing up I was extremely spoiled materially most especially by my father. Often, HIS sisters (my aunties) and my mother would complain to my father and tell him to stop giving me so much, to stop spoiling me. If they weren't jealous, they sure acted like it. Furthermore, I definitely went through a lot of bullshit growing up and whenever I would say anything about how I was being treated emotionally, expressed a need, a want, etc I was told I was being selfish. Even though I was given a lot materially, life would kind of go something like this.
Mother: you want this dress?
Me: I would like to have the one in red
Mother: Well you're getting the blue one or nothing at all
Me: but I like the red one
Mother: Why do you have to be so selfish? After all I've done for you and all the sacrifices I've made
The Swan and the Scorpion. She always have a way to twist it around and make me into the bad person. The manipulation tactic has historically worked so well on me because it's an unhealthy pattern I grew up with. It doesn't matter that I could be dealing with someone that the whole world has already acknowledged is selfish, greedy and self-centered. Somehow my whole being gets caught up in trying not to be like them and I suppose avoiding feelings of guilt and shame and not wanting to be seen as selfish or greedy.
There was a Swan at the edge of a river and a scorpion approached asking the swan if she would kindly give him a ride to the other side of the river on her back. The swan said "no, you are a scorpion, you will sting me and I will die." The scorpion assured the swan that he wouldn't do that, all he wanted was a ride to the other side and he promised she was safe with him. So the swan gave in and allowed the scorpion to climb upon her back. She swan to the other side and just before reaching the shore the scorpion stung her and jumped to safety. As the swan was sinking, slowly dying from the poisons she asked the scorpion why he broke his promise and stung her. The scorpion said "I'm a scorpion, that is what I do...the swan was projecting her swan like qualities upon the scorpion.
To make matters worse, the last thing I ever remember my father asking me is if I wanted him to buy me a new car and I told him yes and the kind that I wanted. Next thing I know, he's dead. So I'm sure the guilt of feeling like my dad died trying to give to me and make me happy eats away at some part of my soul.
Regardless, of the reason, it is a pattern that needs to end. Whatever is hidden and remaining in my unconscious needs to be made conscious so that I stop picking the wrong people and end these destructive patterns of behavior. It's time to keep the takers out and let the givers in
I can't even count how many MALES (not men) have been sitting in my passenger seat talking about how people shouldn't be all about money as I'm driving them around to somewhere they need to go and they have no gas money, ain't offering to pay anything, etc. Something is not right about that shit and it starts with Nikki putting an end to stupid choices and stopping being so silly and soft-hearted...nigga catch the fuckin' bus or get your own fuckin' car (have you no pride? no shame as a man?). I mean I'm admitting to being stupid so what does that make you?
I told him "no more" and he simply said "okay" like he didn't even care. I cried a little because I really did care but at the same time, I'm so used to dealing with this pattern over and over (you know caring way more about a person than they care about me).. that I can't even cry all that hard because I recognize that it's my bullshit and my pattern that I need to break. I'm crying then I'm laughing like Nikki this is your pattern coming to roost over and over again...That's all it is, a pattern.
I did a lot of personal AND business things for him for absolutely nothing and most recently he showed me that he's not willing to give all that much in return so I told him that I no longer wanted to deal with him on a personal level and that he'd have to pay for my business services. I quoted "homie pricing" but my business services are not cheap. You want a website, you want videos, you want computer services, you have to pay for that. I went to school and had years of training so why am I going to be stupid and give myself away for free if you ain't offering shit in return? You ain't offering shit and you acting like you ain't shit.
The reason I'm writing this post then is because I hope by reading this, takers stay away from me. From here on out, I need a more balanced group of people surrounding me on my team, most preferably givers. I noticed the tide has been changing and that I'm attracting a LOT of generous giving people into my life so I must be doing something right. No more broke ass people asking me for shit, asking me to do something for them, asking me for a ride and then complaining about people who are "all about money". WELL NIGGA IF YOU WERE ABOUT YOUR MONEY MAYBE YOU WOULD BE DRIVING ME AROUND INSTEAD OF ACTING LIKE A BITCH IN MY PASSENGER SEAT.
IM cleaning out my spiritual closet and getting rid of the last vestiges of stank-ass selfish people. Last night I DID A GREAT THING AND THEN I ADDED MORE GAS TO THE FIRE AND NIKKI IS SO PROUD OF HERSELF.
If it takes for me to finally simply say Hi my name is Nikki and I'm selfish, self-centered, narcisisstic, greedy and money-hungry then so be it. I'm all about the money all the time.
I'm big and fat, and I like the opposite of me. I like muscular to skinnier men, not fat men (too many stomachs too many problems in the sack). No thank you.I'm tall (5'11), and I like tall men. 6'-0 to 6'5. I'm black and I'm most naturally attracted to black men. Doesn't matter what country. Accents are VERY sexy unless you sound like Latka from Taxi
I am not attracted to males who have no home of their own and who like to ride in my passenger seat. HELLO I'm 46 not 20 years old. Don't be a sorry ass nigga with no car and no home expecting to shack up at my crib or even someone else's. That is not hot
Nikki is selfish, greedy, self-centered, materialistic, shallow, self-promoting, self-aggrandizing, vain, you name it. I'm ALL THAT SHIT. I'm the 7 deadly sins on steroids. I don't know what the fuck jesus would do but I know I'm not doing that old shit anymore. It ain't working