And so it begins...
Nikki tried living her life the feminist way. After years and years of doing it, Nikki has concluded that she's tired and doesn't want to live that way anymore. Even though Nikki is hella smart and has done a lot of incredible shit in her life, a lot of times Nikki just wants to relax, be a complete dimwitted dingbat and let a man take care of everything.
The straw that broke the camel's back for Nikki is getting to the point of realization that this male will seemingly never have himself together enough to take care of her. And even if he did or does have himself together, it is not clear that he has the mentality that Nikki loves and craves.
He believes and says all the time "if I have it, I have it, if I don't you have it."
Several times when he had money in his pocket and got paid, he would want to take Nikki to go gamble and Nikki has said no let's do something else instead. Sometimes though they would go and he would give her money to gamble with him but deep inside she would be so disappointed, frustrated and distressed that he could so easily throw away money that could have helped her pay any one of her bills. Phone, car insurance, utility, all going down the drain. Nigga could have filled up my gas tank for what he just threw away on the blackjack table. Nikki absolutely loves to have fun but she is not interested in men who can't take responsibilities, including her responsibilities, seriously too.
AND NIKKI LOVES THAT
The other tough part for Nikki is that he is INCREDIBLE when it comes to asking you to do a million things for him. I mean when you say a person has no problem asking for what he wants or needs, he's great at it. Can you do this for me please? Will you do that for me please? He is very very good about getting his needs met.
But somehow Nikki is NOT good at it because a typical scenario has been:
Him: Are you gonna give me a massage?
Nikki: Um, okay sure (gives massage)
Nikki: Ok can you give me one too?
Him: No and you shouldn't ask. I'll do it when I want to do it. You didn't ask me the right way
Are you sure you want to leave the gate to Nikkiland open and let another man play with your toys?
Key Principles of Self Assertiveness and Overcoming "People Pleaser" Syndrome
If he doesn't VOLUNTEER to do something you will be ASS OUT. If Nikki says "will you help me with my phone bill?" He will refuse. He will take her out and spend the same money gambling and let her phone get cut off.
It's not until you're practically a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown that he realizes he's sorry and may need to make a change. Or at least give you an empty promise.
Apparently Nikki has a problem with her boundaries. Nikki KNOWS what she wants and she KNOWS what she likes. She can even see a guy coming at her and say "he's not right for me" and yet she still somehow lets them thru the gates to Nikkiland
He would promise to take her out to dinner, to the movies and then be like "sorry I don't have it" or say nothing at all. She asked him, "it's my birthday coming up what are we going to do?" Not only did he say "I don't know" but he didn't even call her on her birthday or make an effort to see her. Said "I forgot." He made it up to her but still...TOO LATE. Damage was done.
The ridiculous part is that another dude was blowing up her phone on her birthday under the guise of a business conversation. She finally ended up talking to him, HE asked her out to lunch to dinner to the movies and Nikki in her own sense of loyalty told the guy no. BUT REALLY. Nikki LOVES food and loves to be pampered and spoiled. It's not a great idea to let a another man PROVIDE Nikki one of the things she loves the most.
Even if she were to be mad and trying to point the fingers at this guy, Nikki understands that he's only there to show her the inner work she needs to do. So, once again, the great thing about her experience is that it sends Nikki into self reflection to gain an understanding of what is happening, why it is happening and what needs to be changed.
Nikki is not living in a mansion and asking for red-bottoms. Her financial needs are currently very modest and reasonable. To have a man in her life who is not willing to do anything financial is like being with a guy who has no dick.
If he really does like Nikki, his problem is that he doesn't take Nikki's cares, concerns and needs seriously including her financial responsibilities. As much as I have been through a rollercoaster with this guy and as much as I love him and his personality and who he is in his heart of hearts, it cannot work. A man who doesn't have enough masculine pride in himself and sense of duty to take care of Nikki and be a provider is simply not the right man for Nikki.
This is not the first guy who has shown up in her face acting like this so Nikki knows it's a pattern. Nikki can meet 5 men and that one guy who doesn't have his shit together is the one that seems to stick around in Nikki's life.
So...Nikki has some internal work to do.
Even though she was good in sports, when it came time to do things like try-out for varsity basketball, and varsity softball, Nikki learned that she wasn't the "man" she thought she was. Nikki had skills and athletic ability but those girls were way too aggressive for Nikki.
Nikki was actually very very soft sensitive and sweet deep down on the inside. She was not cut out to enjoy beating up other women on the playing field. Nikki was very competitive but not necessarily aggressive or physically combative and just wanted to have fun. Deep down, Nikki would have loved to be on the cheerleading squad but she was too insecure and scared to try out back in the day.
To this day, Nikki still LOVES to play games/sports and compete but she's still girly on the inside. Nikki loves having her nails painted and hair done but she will completely ruin a hairdo just to jump in the swimming pool. She will chip a nail at the batting cages, and a lot of times Nikki can't wait to take off all the hair and make up. Nikki loves to be cute and get cute but Nikki also loves to be comfortable and have fun. She would rather go shoot hoops with the fellas than go shopping and sit around gossiping with women because Nikki likes to play games and have fun. BUT...Nikki is STILL a girly girl.
Growing up, a lot of emphasis was placed on her about being smart, going to school working hard and never having to depend on a man. It's not her parents fault, they were coming from that bra burning era and just wanted Nikki to be successful and able to be self-reliant and depend on herself.
Not only that, a lot of the American black community, has the gender reversal thing happening because of Willie Lynch. Growing up in an area with a lot of violence as a woman you learn that you have to be tough and sometimes it would seem like the world was scary. I encounter a lot of American black women who act like they are tougher than any man that I've ever met. I once heard a blogtalk radio host, Deborrah Cooper talk about how growing up in the ghetto makes black women act more masculine (something like that). Femininity, The Hood and Black Women Trying to Be Men
There were times I loved to get cute and be cute but with that came so many issues. First of all, the attacks and criticisms from other women was very hard for Nikki to deal with. That "who does she think she is" venom was something Nikki was too sensitive and scary to handle. Nikki is like dang am I gonna get picked on, verbally abused, emotionally torn apart, capped on and my ass beat just because I tried to look cute? The world is not safe. I mean even in 227, look at how the other women go in on Sandra all the time.
1). Religious Beliefs: First problem is brainwashing and programming by religion and Christian upbringing that basically taught me not to be shallow and focused on money. If I focused on money that would make me a bad person. I should like a man for who he is not what he can provide or for his money.
2). Media's Portrayal of Men and the Feminist Agenda: Nikki grew up in an era where men were kind of turned into baffoons on television. Kevin James is hilarious on the King of Queens but he is made out to be an idiot who doesn't really think well for himself. Al Bundy was not "Father Knows Best."
Even though Nikki saw evidence to the contrary, she somehow got the message that men, in general, were stupid, disorganized and chaotic. Men cannot be counted on for survival. Sistas must do it for themselves, "Independent Women", "I don't need a man." SO MUCH PROGRAMMING that needed to be changed/erased.
3). Media's Portrayal of Black Men: That's a whole story in and of itself. But we know how black men are portrayed in the media. Nikki had a lot to overcome in challenging her beliefs about black men just from the stereotypes in the media. The false beliefs ranged from this idea of a shortage of good black men to good black men only wanting white women. All of the stereotypes and programming from the media is a subject for another time.
Entertainment is being used as a Weapon of Black Destruction !
Dr. Amos Wilson - Destruction of The Black Family Image By The White Media
EMPIRE: The Coonery of The Entertainment Ghetto" - Dr. Boyce Watkins Interivew
Dr. Umar Johnson Explains the Affect of Propaganda on the BLACK Mind
Then there's the more Nikki-specific micro-level issues.
I wouldn't want to trade being cute but I remember sometimes having mixed feelings of loving the attention from men/boys and hating it because someone could get hurt (namely Nikki if other women were jealous). Sometimes guys will walk right up to you and talk to you like no other woman is standing there. They will be with their wife or their girlfriend and hit on you acting like their woman doesn't exist.
Then there are all the guys that you have to reject and let down. I'm not saying I want pity or that I feel all THAT bad, I'm just explaining why hiding yourself sometimes can be easier.
When I was a little girl, I would get approached chased and grabbed on by boys constantly. One time I was playing on the playground with boys who I thought were my friends and they pinned me down while we were playing football and touched me in a way I did not like. I almost drowned in the swimming pool when a guy chased me and tried to pin me down in the pool as a young girl. It's weird when you like the attention and yet you feel uncomfortable all at the same time.
I will never forget the time when my Dad came to pick us up from the swimming pool and about 9 guys in the pool yelled out "bye Nicole" and my Dad just looked at me like WTF? All I could think is Please Daddy I swear I didn't do anything. I promise. I was SO EMBARRASSED and yet I liked the attention all at the same time.
Nikki had some "good girl" issues to deal with in terms of attention from men/boys. She was not perfect and she experienced a lot of confusion especially as a young pretty girl and she didn't really have any parental figures to talk to about the motivations of boys. After the pool incident, her Dad told her "If you need any advice on boy issues, you know you can talk to one of your aunts". Nikki was embarrassed. She never did that. She generally remained confused and had no REAL adult education about sex and relationships except for "don't do it" and a book called "Where did I come from" that her mom gave her...she used to masturbate to that one.
Nikki had to navigate the world of boys testosterone, her own intense sexual urges and feelings pretty much either alone or through advice from her peers. Nikki grew up very very confused with no one safe to open up to and talk to. NOBODY WAS SAFE AND NO PLACE WAS SAFE. If she talked to anyone, they might tell her mother. Her mother once said, if you need to talk about anything, you can talk to me and even gave her a diary. Later her mother found the diary and screamed and yelled at her about what she wrote in it.
What Would Penis Do? - Tales Of Mere Existence
Nikki grew up so confused about boys and she can remember no one ever saying to her, LOOK YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND THIS IS THE WAY MEN/BOYS ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE. If anyone ever said that to Nikki, she didn't hear it and she would probably never ever believe it. As far as she can recall, no one ever explained the jealousy of women/girls either and how that works in the world. Even if someone would have sat Nikki down and said you are so beautiful/pretty women are going to hate you, Nikki would have been like....
Luckily Nikki was manipulated by her parents and Catholic school girl guilt and shame not to get in more trouble than she could have. She definitely made mistakes but things could have been a lot worse. Considering how many guys were always around and how much she was ACTUALLY sexually active, Nikki was lucky. One time her Dad surprised everyone and showed up to his condo unannounced. Nikki was in the room sleeping with (literally sleeping) her boyfriend and several boys were in the livingroom watching a porno when her Dad showed up....
Nikki was lucky her Dad didn't lose his mind just told the boys to leave and thankfully promised not to tell moms. Cuz he probably knew we would die if he did. However, even after that incident, he STILL never really sat down and had a straight talk with Nikki about boys. Nikki would have experiences where she'd be sitting there all of a sudden with some guys arm around her and she would think, BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BROTHER (or literally almost my step brother). OR I thought you were just my friend? OR even worse, how could you, I thought you actually liked me.
There's the guys who just approach you for sex and try to trick you. You want a boyfriend and they want a play thing. You get all this attention from guys but then you get hurt.
It wasn't until Nikki was post-divorce in her 40s that she finally started understanding and seeing the truth. She used to think every other woman was gorgeous and way more beautiful than she was. It wasn't until much later in life that she started understanding the myriad of issues she experienced with women and even the confusing behavior of boys who were either mean to her or negged her.
The Truth About Why Women Hate Each Other
Why It's So Easy For Me to Hate Other Women
And her mom had serious ISSUES.
Then there's all the guys she would also have to disappoint and let down. I mean there's no pity party going on here just an UNDERSTANDING AND EXPLANATION of how Nikki viewed the world at the time.
What is Nikki supposed to do when there's 10 guys and 10 girls and 6 of the 10 guys like Nikki, Nikki actually likes guy number 7 who doesn't like her, Nikki goes ahead and picks one of the 6 dudes. What is the likelihood that someone's not going to be happy with Nikki?
There's bitter men (especially black men) all over the internet crying about why the girl in high school didn't pick them and picked "Pookie and Ray Ray" instead. Nikki was no exception to that. She always ended up with the unexpected guy who was the craziest and most aggressive no matter what he looked like. She dated cute boys and ugly ones because it was about their confidence, aggressive pursuit and breaking through all her defenses. The most confident, aggressive, persistent guy is the one who would always win. So called nice guys would never make it.
Escape From The Friend Zone
Why Can't Men Handle Female Rejection?
Non-Select Nice Guys vs The Players Women Adore
Good Guys: Should They Try To Be Bad Boys
HAT THE NICE GUY CAN LEARN FROM THE ASSHOLE
WHY DO GOOD WOMEN PICK THE WRONG MEN?
Why Women Love Bad Boys and Dump Nice Men
Watch The Difference Between A Nerd And A Thug When Trying To Pick Up Girl (NSFW)
I know its a weird question, but what is it like to be a hot girl?
How Physical Appearance/ Attractiveness Affects Self Assertiveness And Self Protection
Why are pretty women mean?
Why the Nice Guy Fears Approaching Women
Top Ten Things That Make a Woman Threatening to Other Women
Being a jerk is how to get a girl
Why Are Women So Mean To Other Women, Especially Pretty Ones?
WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER TELL A WOMAN YOUR TRUE FEELINGS… INITIALLY
Mystery’s Neg Theory
First of all if there's ALWAYS some guy in your face, that means you have so many to choose from so someone is going to get rejected. Deep down, Nikki didn't like to hurt people's feelings cuz she didn't like to get her feelings hurt. As a grown ass woman who has now studied and learned, Nikki understands why confidence, assertiveness, and other Alpha Male qualities are attractive, however as a young girl with no adult to talk to, she just ended up being very confused and did not want to get hurt.
Even as a grown woman, there can be men that are mean and cruel but Nikki understands now that they just feel insecure. No matter the age, Nikki is still a human being with feelings and it doesn't feel good when guys like you and act mean.
Needless to say, being feminine and girly and getting attention can be a gift and a curse.
When He Won't Take No For An Answer
Deep down, even though she tried not to show it, Nikki is EXTREMELY sensitive and sweet. Getting verbally attacked and being scared all the time was not fun for her.
It seemed safer to simply "not try" because she had no way to protect herself from getting hurt
Alicia Keys explains it well here:
"This fear of attack seems to have informed much of Keys' psyche. She was self-protective, not showing you all her cards. ' felt that for a long time, definitely. When I first got into the business, people were saying, 'Why are you such a tomboy?' I was a tomboy because I thought I had to protect myself in that way. As a young lady you have to be very careful. I felt any time I called attention to myself, dressed nicely in skirts or dresses, it would bring so much negative attention from people I didn't want attention from that I shrank from it. It was a while before I felt comfortable as a young lady to be able to dress more feminine. So interesting the way that shapes you."
Even more recently Nikki went to the makeup counter with her mom and her mom made fun of her because she didn't know how to put on eye shadow "correctly." Since nothing was ever good enough for her mother and she was always made fun of and made to feel ugly and inadequate, Nikki gave up on a lot of that.
Nikki spent MANY years being told that she needed to "toughen up" and to be tougher. So she would save her tears for 2AM in the bathroom. In Corporate America, Nikki met a lot of men in women's clothing. Not trannies but women who totally suppressed their feminine side in the face of their ambitious goals.
Nikki's ex-husband even used to complain about the fact that she never got her nails and hair done anymore and Nikki always thought after an 18 hour day, and then having to go out to eat or have take out... WHO HAS TIME to focus on physical appearance? Nikki lost any interest in feminine beauty and the harder she worked, the fatter she got and the worse she looked. She never had time to focus on making a beautiful home because she was always working.
Nikki, working in such a masculine field of finance and accounting, did not learn or value any of her traditionally feminine qualities at all.
Fast track to femininity: Why competing with men has left women out of touch with their feminine side
How American Women Lost Their Femininity
Nikki used to value walking around looking like a straight schlumpadinka because she KNEW at any point she could doll herself up to look at least half-way decent. AND she needed to protect herself from being attacked most especially by venomous jealous women. Nikki did her best to hide herself, her feminine qualities and she did not focus on her outer beauty.
Nikki doesn't love pictures of herself from her "Corporate Era" because she looked like TOAST but the reality is that all her experience during that era really helped build a confidence in herself that many women don't have.
Have Nikki wondering...How can you be the fattest most out of shape person in a dance class and have a stunningly beautiful woman (professional dancer) with the body of a ballerina come up to you after class throwing shade acting competitive. Like is THIS BITCH JOKING? Why is she acting this way towards me?
Sounds crazy, but it's true.
One time I was somewhere feeling like a straight moron in a mumu and this guy said "I like your earrings" and the girl next to me with (supposedly by American Media standards) the hottest body in the room starts throwing shade.
Nikki's like WTF am I supposed to do? Sometimes I feel inside like Precious on her worst day and chicks are STILL hatin on me.
Will life be easier if I just hide?
Family member: Oh that's fantastic. Congratulations. Looks like you lost some weight too.
I mean these kinds of things from people close to you are very HARD to take. That is why I don't even share my accomplishments with people like that anymore. I keep people around me that are supportive and give constructive feedback not people who seem like they are jealous and deliberately out to hurt my feelings
Why are We so Overly Critical of Others?
Nikki gained a LOT of her self-esteem and confidence through exercising her intelligence. THAT IS THE POSITIVE. This means that Nikki values herself highly because of a lot of her inner qualities. Nikki meets a lot of women today and cannot begin to comprehend or understand why they act the way they do because she cannot relate to them and their experience.
It is very interesting that a lot of guys really like Nikki and tell her I love you because you are so different, you are such a lady, you carry yourself like a lady. And I'm like huh?
But when I look around and see how much emphasis women spend cultivating their outer qualities and their sexuality but not on their inner, I can see why I could be seen as a breath of fresh air.
Does Love Make Women Stupid?
Weak Bitch Ways
You Are Pussy Until Proven Wifey
Where I would say I was sorely lacking though is letting my feminine side out. In fact, about 6 years ago I had to actually ask myself WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE FEMININE and I had to read about it because I did not know any feminine women or if I did, I didn't relate to them. This is the side that has been a tremendous area of growth for me over the last several years since my divorce.
Oh I just noticed, I stopped talking in the third person. LOL. Oh well you are used to it by now.
I'm not saying that I wasn't already innately feminine it's just that a lot of it was completely suppressed hiding in the dungeon. AFRAID. Femininity was not valued by me whatsoever and I had to LEARN to express that part of myself.
It is interesting to me that what actually really helped lead the charge to my transformation was DRUMMING. Of all things.
Something so traditionally seen as masculine actually led me to feel safe enough to let my feminine fly. Somehow the safety of letting all my aggression come out through the drum helped open me up completely.
It was like knowing that I could be that aggressive and letting all that out of me somehow gave me a "voice" a way to express myself. Actually I think it was also singing in choir that helped me because I also started singing out loud even if I was loud and wrong.
It's like I had this loud aggressive BEAST inside me that I needed to let come out before soft sweet vulnerable Nikki felt safe enough to start expressing herself.
You can see this transformation in my outer appearance as well as in my musicality and singing.
I NEVER EVER would play violin in front of anyone. I was too scared. But because of the drum, I finally hit the stage with my violin last year. AND I WAS SCARED. It was like all that childhood terror of playing a solo coming back to haunt me and I had to face all that fear and anxiety.
It was actually through the drum and singing in choir that helped me get rid of all the performance anxiety. See with drumming, you can let all your aggression and nerves out on the drum even if your hands are shaking a little bit.
With singing a solo or playing violin, everyone can see you or hear you shaking.
Somehow drumming helped relax me or helped me manage my adrenaline better.
This is the first time I ever solo improvised with a band at a venue and I was totally put on the spot. I didn't know I was going to do it and I was terrified. I could feel my whole body shaking as I was doing it. But somehow I managed to push through my nerves by just hitting the drum harder and letting my musical expression come out.
It is through many of these experiences that Nikki kind of re-emerged from hiding. If you listen to me play and listen to how hard I was singing in these situations, you will understand how much I was holding back that I could finally release.
I lived my life afraid and in hiding and in all actuality the only reason I can even be sitting here writing this today and passionately expressing all my feelings is because I started off with screaming through my voice and taking out my aggression on my drums:
And because I learned that I could be LOUD and aggressive, it helped sweet Nikki feel safer. I wrote a hilarious yet insightful post about sweet Nikki vs crazy Nikki BOTH of which were laying dormant inside myself. Expressing myself through music has helped all this come through me.
Feeling safe has a LOT of side effects. It is not until recently that Nikki has discovered her own sense of fun with hair and make up. I have transformed just like Alicia Keys is described and enjoy being and looking feminine now. Fashion Transformation: Alicia Keys
This all leads me back to my point about not liking feminism and wanting a man who is a provider.
For the past several years, Nikki has met a LOT of men but she didn't date or become involved with anyone until recently. Some of these men have actually claimed to be in love with Nikki or have fallen in love even though they never ever connected in a romantic way. In fact, it wasn't until last year that Nikki actually FINALLY kissed a man other than her ex husband on the lips. It was the first time in over 25 years.
Nikki was taking her time jumping back into the "man pool" after her divorce because she knew she needed to change and figure herself out before she got romantically entangled. So it was like man guys are falling in love with me wanting to run businesses with me, seeing me in their future and I haven't even been with them in a romantic way.
What is going on here?
I was in the process of learning to love myself, and I guess guys just like that kind of energy. Great. YAY NIKKI!!
But I wasn't ready because I KNEW I had work to do.
Something about many of the men I was meeting wasn't quite right for me for one reason or another either. I guess the men weren't right because Nikki wasn't quite right and still had a lot of inner work to do.
The problem is that it seemed like Nikki kept getting temporarily tangled up with men who were either currently unsuccessful, were trying to get back on their feet OR were too comfortable with Nikki playing the "male" role. Actually it was predominately men who had once been successful doing something and met Nikki during an unsuccessful phase of their life.
I saw this Erica Rips O'Shea A New One and thought...hmmm that looks familiar.
"There is a lot of talk in the black community about black women being the "rock" of the family and for their men. Many of the commonly heard phrases amongst black men and women are: I take care of my man! If I don't do it for him, somebody else will! I expect my woman to nurture me I need my woman to help me She needs to make me feel like a man Black women need to help the black man come up - we can't do it by ourselves Women need to help achieve and build, and not just try to get with a brotha after he's done all the work by himself Things like this get on my nerves. I truly believe great numbers of black males are confused about what manhood is and instead are caught up in a continual infancy expecting women to take care of them, essentially exchanging one mommy for another they have sex with. Why have black women fallen for the okey doke of "helping" black men make their dreams come true? What's in it for HER to help HIM is my question? What is it that black men do by themselves for themselves these days - with no dependence on or assistance from women?"--Ms Heartbeat
Nikki would be like why do I keep meeting men that want me to drive them around and they have no shame about it? Why does this ghetto ass chick over to the left have a man taking care of her and Nikki always seems to be finding men who like Nikki taking care of them...instead of the other way around? And the thing that stings the most it Nikki will observe a man totally step up and take care of someone else but won't take of her.
The Human Magnet Syndrome Explained
Attracting The Wrong Type
What is going on? I mean what in the fuck is it about Nikki that gives her that TOWANDA vibe always caretaking, making excuses and leaving the gate open for whack ass dudes like Andre?
This young girl gets ready to go out and says to her husband "I need your card." Then she takes the brother in-laws car out to go to the club. She comes home completely drunk off her ass screaming cussing and yelling when she was the one who crashed the car. Girl also can't find her phone not sure if she lost it that night. Her husband just bought it for her a few days prior to the incident. Nobody's mad about that either.
Nikki stayed up all night volunteering to babysit. Husband is so grateful he says I'll give you $50 and Nikki needed it badly. She wasn't expecting it but when he said he would do it she was grateful because she had no money.
How does this situation turn out from Nikki being so responsible and staying up all night to care for their baby?
Next day seems like nobody's mad about the car, "everybody makes mistakes." Meanwhile, the husband plans to spend whatever money is necessary to get the damage on the car fixed. He said, even if it costs $1,000 that's ok things happen. When Nikki went over there that next day, she walked in and IMMEDIATELY they greeted Nikki with "where have you been we don't have any food or water we were waiting for you." (Because the tire was flat on their car from the crash).
They send Nikki out to the store, Nikki asks for the $50 because she really needed it...doesn't get it. All she gets is $10 gas money and the money to buy their groceries and another niggas sandwich from Subway she was sent out to get.
In fact she never got the money. She spent the whole week broke on pins and needles with no money. She went over the next day, tire was fixed already (new tire). Nobody is chasing Nikki down saying "Thank you so much for being so level-headed and responsible, here's the money I said I would give you." In fact, the ONLY person who did actually show some care and concern was the guy she's talking about in this blog post who gave her $25 of his own money for gas. He's the ONLY one.
Nikki thought wow. There isn't going to be anymore of this kind of bullshit happening in her life. It's another PATTERN AND THIS SHIT IS ENDING. There is something truly fucked up about this situation and wrong with the way Nikki is operating.
Key Principles of Self Assertiveness and Overcoming "People Pleaser" Syndrome
Nikki cannot take it anymore. Nikki is sick of being the responsible one and feeling like nobody cares. Maybe the problem is that she holds everything in and now she ain't doing that shit ANYMORE
Towanda Braxton explains emotional outburst
The Pain We Deny Is Killing Us
Nikki might be, NO IS, embarrassed about all this but that is part of the problem. HIDING her feelings and hiding everything until it's too late. She knows there is something within her that needs to be FIXED in terms of her life in general AND especially with men if she wants to have a better happier future for herself.
A lot of Nikki's problem and ways stems from growing up with a narcissistic family pattern. That was discussed heavily in another post and Nikki doesn't feel like talking about it again right now. But in narcissism you never feel visible like your feelings, thoughts and opinions matter.
But, let's stick to the problem at hand about MEN and how that is showing up in Nikki's life.
First of all the problem is cultural. Or at least in America it is a pervasive problem in our community.
Single Black Women Dating Down Men With Potential
"Single black women are frequently called upon by male relationship experts to date men not on their level educationally, professionally, mentally and economically - to find men with potential and give "a good brotha" a chance. Why is it that Black women are the only ethnicity of female told to accept men of lesser quality as mates? Why is it that Black women are the only ethnicity of female told that seeking a man that is at her level or even above financially means she a gold digger? Why is it that only Black women seeking a man of education, intelligence and emotional stability is deemed to have standards that are too high?"
Being fat is no reason why a woman should have to settle.
I'm not saying that all men are good men, I'm not saying all attention is good attention and I'm not saying that all guys that like having Nikki around want something romantic. BUT, guys generally like me and some even love me. So why in the world would I act like I have to settle just because yo' ass doesn't want to improve and do more with your life?
Escape From The Friend Zone
Should Single Black Women Date Broke Stingy Men?
Cheap Men and Dating
Rebuilding Black Men: Unlocking hidden potential
Nikki did not have one iota of anything sexual with NOT ONE of these men but they all enjoyed her company for one reason or another. So why would she EVER believe that she has to lower her standards?
Nikki likes men with drive and ambition. That hustle mentality. You cannot find your manhood in the bottom of a bottle or a beer can homeboy. I don't think being weed smoker is going to help either. GROW A PAIR and go out conquer the world. God made a man hard and his dick hard for a reason right?
Why It's Stupid to Help a Man be a Man
How to Spot a Loser
Black Men & Entitlement Issues
Seems like some guys think...well I didn't make it in sports or music I'm not a doctor or a lawyer so I don't know any other way to build an empire so I'm going to blame my stuckness on the Illuminati and call it a day. OR they have an arrogant sense of entitlement because there's a supposed black man shortage so they set the bar low for themselves thinking they are a supposed "good man."
Their mindset is not hot.
Because self-esteem is often shredded in our community (including mine at a point in time), a lot of times even when we have money, we spend it on stupid shit trying to make ourselves feel better.
Just like Deborrah Cooper said in the quote above, when you expect that a man have money and take care of you financially you are shamed for being a gold digger whereas every other culture EXPECTS that a man is a provider.
There are so many women that are so desperate that they are willing to settle for less.
I know of a guy who liked me but he didn't have his life together and he was being chased by 3 different women who didn't care that he was currently trying to get back on his feet. In my mind I was like, you're cute but you need to get your shit together.
How can I require him to have himself together and say NO YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT when all he has to do is call the other ho's chasing him instead? How is a woman supposed to keep the bar raised high and expect and demand that a man step up when so many woman are accepting so little?
You then have to fight so hard to keep saying NO to men who think you are like all the other women who have such low standards. And you have to face rejection and shaming being called difficult, crazy, unrealistic and stuck up because you actually EXPECT a man to be more traditional.
I'm like man I know I've been married and out of the loop for over 20 years but this is just ridiculous. Does this dusty ass dude REALLY think I'm going to come pick him up? Doesn't he have any pride? Does he REALLY expect me to drive all the way across town to "come over and chill" and never take me out anywhere? WHO DOES THAT?
Some women around here are all liberated
At one point I had to almost scream at a guy to get him to realize that I'M NOT LOOKING FOR JUST A BOOTY CALL. Did he ask me several times to come over and chill? Yes. Did I say no? Yes every time. He did want to meet to hang out one time away from the house but still the nigga had no car and NEVER mentioned shit about no gas money. I just do not understand what is up with men and how come they don't have higher standards for themselves. Like even if a woman doesn't demand it, don't they have any pride?
So part of it is cultural, mind programming and pervasive. It is the way the world has changed since women's lib, the sexual revolution and Sex in the City I guess.
It's not just a Nikki thing. Now days, in the hook-up culture some guys are just used to women with low standards or who aren't looking for something more meaningful.
I get it. But it ain't Nikki. Nikki is much more traditional and romantic. Plus a little bit of a germophobe so she just CAN'T hook up randomly with anybody. Not in her nature.
Another Ask Ms Heartbeat classic:
Are Black Women Stupid When it Comes to Men?
"Are we saying that this applies to every single black woman in the universe? Certainly not, but there are some serious problems with black women when it comes to how they view, vet, assess and establish boundaries with black men. Are we saying that black women are the only race of women that are stupid over men? Certainly not, but there is a dominant culture of religious based male superiority/female submission and neediness in the black community. Black women's socialization about the necessity of giving her all to get and keep a man fuels much of the dysfunction in black male/female relationships. There are many aspects of stupidity to discuss"
Nikki was a very spoiled Daddy's Girl very attached and dependent on her father. Since her father was murdered at a young age, it was very hard for Nikki to get past trying to be a "good girl" or "daddy's little girl" and carrying herself in way her dad would approve of. Especially with men. Nikki always kind of carried an internal attitude that said "I don't need a man or a boy my Daddy will get it for me or do it for me. " Since Nikki's parents were separated, she knew what it looked like for a father to spoil a daughter but not for a husband to spoil his wife or a man to spoil his girlfriend. She didn't see shining examples of that.
Needless to say the combination of Nikki getting so much attention from boys AND her father meant that even though Nikki was soft and sweet on the inside, she had some entitlement issues and did not know how to relate to boys/men either.
NO. Not Nikki. Boys would be trying to figure out how to deliver themselves from Nikki
One thing Nikki HAS had to learn or at least study is the ways of very feminine women and even of whores without becoming one herself. I'm not saying that whores, strippers, sugar babies and escorts are Nikki's role models but they have some skills that Nikki has not understood, cultivated or mastered. I don't really mean sexually per se (although they are probably better or at least more experienced at that too....lol), I just mean they know how a man ticks/operates and how to relate to a man as a man rather than a man as a competitor
OR maybe she does how to do it but doesn't always know how to pick the right guys ? Or sometimes it could simply be that guys have seen her as so smart and independent and Nikki has too much pride to ask or is scared to get rejected?
Whatever the reason, Nikki is so through with feminism
Nikki has seen WHORES (some literally and some figuratively who are not even half as cute as her) who have gotten wealthy men to help them set up ENTIRE BUSINESSES and she has watched them string these men along for forever.
Ho Tactics For Non Hos
“Pretty hurts and pussy costs, so why get all dressed up, waxed
up, and made up to go sit in some nigga’s house.” -Ho Tactics
How To Tell If Your Girl Is (Possibly) A Ho
What is a Hoe and Why a Man Should Happily Marry One
Freaks, Hoes, and Freaky Hoes
Are you kidding all I have to do is change my ways, focus on looking cute, and be a little sexy, cook every once and a while and guys will do all that???
Regardless, Nikki needs to learn how to attract and inspire PROVIDERS. She needs to be better at being vulnerable, asking for help and letting a man be in charge and take care of her. Fear of losing control, fear of being dominated and controlled, fear of her wants needs, feelings and desires not being listened to or disregarded. Perhaps most importantly fear of depending on a man and then being abandoned just like when Pops bounced when she was a little girl or his murder or both. Fear of opening her heart to the wrong person or people and being crushed. Fear of being stupid and trusting the wrong person/people. Fear of losing control, fear of being out of control. Fear of being embarrassed and naive and stupid for trusting the wrong people. Fear of being taken advantage of. Fear of being lied to and deceived. Fear of being in the starring role of the next diary of a mad black woman or why did I get married. Fear of losing. Fear of not being able to control a man's love for her. Nikki has been afraid to let go of control and let a man lead just like a woman needs to do when dancing. Just all these ridiculous fears.
Nikki is ready to depend on a man, trust a man and put her heart, body mind and soul completely in his hands. Nikki needs and wants to let a man lead and to love in a wholly holy way fearlessly.
It's Nikki's upbringing and programming that says never ask for anything, never depend on a man, never get anything from a man because he may expect something in return. Nikki's pride gets in the way and her pride and erroneous thinking that is going to keep her unhappy and unsatisfied.
Whenever a man DOES provide and act chivalrous Nikki loves it but she hasn't yet translated that into a man paying her bills. This is something she is ready to learn though. Believe that.
I can't believe how many guys sit in my passenger seat after asking for a ride thinking that their ass in my passenger seat is going to get somewhere. I mean WHAT HAPPENED TO MANLY PRIDE? Nobody seems to realize my car is 10 fucking years old, I'm not a car person in the first place and I need a man to do car shit (or help pay for it) and therefore my goddamn car breaks down WAY TOO MUCH now and Nikki is always driving somewhere freaked out. Her Daddy always handled the car shit (well he bought the cars and paid to get them fixed as needed and she doesn't know shit about cars doesn't care to know shit about cars either). And Dad was killed YEARS ago leaving Nikki all fucked up when it comes to cars.
I had to walk from Sahara and the Las Vegas Strip to the Convention Center to get to work (which is not that bad for people used to taking the bus and walking but I was hustling trying to get to work on time with this unexpected problem).
I then had to pray all day, then have someone I cannot stand asking for ANYTHING from (NOT A MAN) loan me the money to have it towed to get it fixed. SOMETHING I CANNOT AFFORD. I couldn't even call dudes I know who live right in the area for a ride CUZ THEY DONT HAVE A car or a license.
A really SUPER NICE lady co-worker of mine, actually helped me. She drove me to Western Union to pick up $$ and drove me back to my car and waited with me in the parking lot while I waited for the tow truck. She didn't have to do that because we are not THAT close but it was so nice of her that she did. Shout out to her....Mimi. Nice lady. One day I am going to dedicate a blog post to my "Hall of Fame" of the people who have been AMAZING TRUE givers to me because I complain a lot for venting purposes but one of the reasons it is easy to give so much is because so many people have given so much to me too....
Anyway though, in this case of my bitching...Nikki ended up having to deal with all this with NO MAN IN HER LIFE IN SIGHT TO HELP. Negroes in her passenger seat of her car nowhere to be found when she needs a man to fix it....UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Man...I need to get my HO TACTICS TOGETHER. This is where feminism gets me
Yet, somehow she always seems to have some kind of magnetic chemical attraction to either the "in-between setbacks" type of guy, the cheap guy, the cubicle guy or the straight sugar baby. I mean WHAT THE FUCK? Even when Nikki says "NO" there's always someone on the sidelines with horrible advice saying "Oh just give him a chance, he's a good guy."
Does Nikki need a magnetic sign on the side of her car or a stamp on her forehead to let these guys know she's not qualified to be a sugar mama? Does she need to make a public service announcement everywhere she goes?
As George Jefferson says : "The man works so his wife don't have too."
A DUDE IN MY PASSENGER SEAT TALKING ABOUT "NICE CAR" IS NOT HOT AND NOT AT ALL HELPFUL OR USEFUL TO NIKKI. NIKKI DOESN'T EVEN LIKE DRIVING SHE LIKES RIDING WHILE A MAN DRIVES. Some guys have actually said, "well let me drive your car since you like to ride, I have a license..." ARE YOU CRAZY? What happens when you have no $$ and you crash my car, I cannot cover even the deductible right now and NEITHER CAN YOUR BROKE ASS. And how will I get to work while my car is being fixed? YOU HAVE NO CAR DUMMY. YOU CAN'T DRIVE ME and you probably can't even get me a bus pass so you think I am going to put my only form of transportation in YOUR oh-so-responsible hands...?
Nikki has high expectations. Nikki did a lot in her life and career so she has a hard time respecting a man with no ambition or who is comfortable with a 9-5 mentality. She doesn't want to settle for the guy who is happy with a mediocre life. Nikki doesn't want to settle because she knows she will not be happy
How To Date Like A Spartan
"...Good, be tired and settle into a mediocre love life where you end up settling for one of these oatmeal guys who has a steady job, a limp dick, and who will develop a drinking problem by the time you two are married because he’s just as bored as you will become. You don’t want to find a knight you to find nice enough, because every time you aim for greatness you fail...."
On my Mission and Critical Thinking pages, I talk about economics more so I don't really want to repeat myself. I have met some really GREAT nice guys who I know like me. Maybe even love me.
But the problem I have with them is they are either 9-5 type dudes, currently marginally successful making an hourly wage OR they are aspiring to just get a job and go work for someone else. A man who thinks he's a baller because he makes $20/hr is kind of lame. No shade just being honest.
Then there's the guy who says "I'm gonna get a job making six figures" and that's not impressive to Nikki either. I think it would be great for guy to have a six figure job but Nikki has already been about that corporate drain of a life and knows it's a dead end. Deep down she knows this and doesn't admire a man who doesn't have the entrepreneurial drive and capabilities. Not sexy.
Boyce Watkins talks a lot about this and I agree with a LOT of things he says
stage it's about owning the
But he also liked to gamble and spent a lot of his time doing it and gambling away money (apparently) then winning it back and all that instability drove my mom crazy. As a woman who just had a baby (aka Nikki) I can understand why she would want my Dad to settle down, have a regular job and be home every day. But apparently it wasn't in his nature.
Needless to say, the relationship didn't work out.
Nikki's Dad went on though to become a hustler she was very proud of. In fact one day at school Nikki announced that her dad was a hustler and she got in trouble for it. She didn't see anything wrong with it and she was very proud of her Dad. He always gave her money and anything she could ever want materially and as far as she knew what he was doing was legal albeit not traditional. So what's the problem?
Back then, we didn't have professional gamblers like the World Series of Poker dudes but that was totally my Dad as far as I know. His 2nd home was The Oaks Club a card room in Emeryville.
So with that said, Nikki doesn't admire the 9-5 guy because her Dad rejected 9-5 and made his own way in the world. Since her Dad was her king and her hero she just doesn't see that 9-5 dude as the right fit for her.
Sometimes Nikki feels a little bit bad because she has met some really super nice guys who are attracted to her. In fact there's one childhood friend I had who told me that he always dreamed that we would be together. He said he dreamed that he would be a stay-at-home-dad and that I would go out into the world and be the breadwinner because I was so smart.
And even though he's a super nice guy, funny as hell, SUPER love his personality, I'm thinking HOW IN THE WORLD CAN NIKKI RESPECT THAT? I just can't. Nikki works in a town where all the world's richest men come to play and do business. Most especially non-black men. All she sees is 90% of the black and brown men in blue-collar jobs while everyone else is making all the money.
That may be very unfair to say but it's the truth.
I know it's going to sound shallow and superficial but some guys come at you with so much confidence and swag like:
Nikki cannot wait until the day she goes to Africa and other predominantly black places and sees all black people running everything. That will be so cool to see that dynamic she doesn't often see here. She sees all the white men in suits running businesses, entrepreneurs, executives, etc and mostly black men as security guards, police, utility workers...I mean anything with an hourly wage they are doing it and Nikki just cannot get excited about that. I'M SORRY BUT IT IS THE TRUTH.
I mean is it so wrong to want and expect so much more from the man you see as GOD?
If black men actually used even half of the amount of energy, time, resources and creativity they spend in trying to conquer women towards business, we as a people might actually get somewhere.
I mean sometimes I can't believe that a guy will step to me have nothing to offer, his girlfriend or wife is holding everything down, he's driving her car, living in her place that she's paying for, SHE has a good job he doesn't have shit and he's ready to cheat on her by trying to come after me.
I once was in a situation where this guy I didn't know was married actually came at me and was blowing up my phone. His wife then caught it and I ended up talking to her on the phone and I told her everything he said to me. I felt even more bad for her when she told me she was pregnant, working, holding him down, he was driving her car, etc. I was like wow what an asshole. And yet even after he got busted, he STILL tried to come for me again. He did not even CARE
I mean why don't you BE A FUCKIN' MAN AND GO MAKE SOME MONEY TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR WOMAN AND YOUR FAMILY YOU DICKLESS IDIOT?
Nikki does not like that. As far as I'm concerned, if you are like that you are not a real man.
The thing is that Nikki is very smart and sometimes cannot help taking charge or taking control but she doesn't want to focus her time and energy that way. Nothing turns Nikki off more than guys who see her as so smart and wanting to put her back behind a desk grinding while he goes along for the ride.
Even though Nikki wants to use her talents to achieve her mission, she wants to either play the supporting role to her man or a co-starring role with a super alpha a million times stronger and more capable than her.
Nikki STILL wants to have success but she just wants to be able to depend on a man to take care of her so she can focus more of her time doing things she has thus far missed out on being too busy working.
It's not like her Dad was Einstein so Nikki doesn't necessarily need an educated person like herself she just likes a man she can rely and depend on to take care of the financial needs of the household.
She's too old and has too many options to keep waiting on a guy to get his shit together.
Black Women Giving a Brotha a Chance?
"Black women's obsession with "giving a brotha a chance" at the expense of themselves and their children? Why are there epidemic numbers of black women that don't expect "anything" financial, material or otherwise from a man -- and as a rule they GET nothing. He sits around her house, eating up all her food and utilizing her car and other resources while she continues to struggle financially. Having his babies yet seeing no real support coming from him is the norm. Why are black women so willing to sacrifice themselves and opportunities for advancement behind a man? Who or what is it that motivates black women to behave in such self-defeating ways towards black men? And why do black men feel they are OWED this type of loyalty and support?"
Even though Nikki spent her life in Corporate America working for mostly men, she did not know how to let a man lead in her home life. The only thing she knew was how to be controlling, masculine ball-busting and domineering. Even though she never saw any woman in her family who acted like this have a successful marriage or relationship, she erroneously believed that this was the way black men wanted their women to behave.
Nikki was afraid to be vulnerable and soft because she feared that a man would walk all over her. Even though Nikki's nature was sweet, sensitive, loving and kind she was often shamed for being too sensitive and emotional so she tried to be tough and act tough because that's who she thought she was supposed to be.
Deep down, she did not know how to be vulnerable, let her guard down and show that side of herself. For whatever reason, Nikki was afraid of men and masculine energy.
In her home life, she thought she had to be like Angela in Why Did I Get Married. Nikki wasn't focused on being her real self she was focused on being who she thought she was supposed to be and how she was trained to be.
Nikki's Dad was a sweet sensitive type guy. The youngest brother who was rather spoiled and catered to by his older sisters and brothers. So while Nikki always wanted and yearned for a provider like her Dad, she had a tendency to mix up with the mama's boy Peter Pan Syndrome type guy because that's kind of how her dad was from an emotional standpoint. You know the guy who always just wanted to have fun? The Beta male type behavior and acquiescing to a woman's aggression.
I'm not saying that my Dad acted like Stevie J but the dynamic between him and Mimi gives me flashbacks. Mimi acts all tough and in your face all the time and Stevie J acts like a precocious rebellious bad boy. Supposedly he is providing for her and his daughter financially but he obviously does not act like a fully grown up man should. He acts rebellious and wreckless like "don't tell me what to do" (sounds familiar right?).
You know, a man who says "I'll call you at 5pm" and actually DOES IT. She hasn't had that in her life. She is more prone to be used to men who are chaotic, disorganized, unpredictable and unreliable.
She recently was talking to this guy who is an artist and performer by nature who is not working in a steady gig right now. He said he was looking for regular work but he hates working in normal jobs because people fire you "for stupid reasons."
I said "like what?" and one of the rules he thought was stupid was expecting you to be at work on time. Nikki felt like:
Then one day he showed up looking like a HOT MESS. I mean his hair was everywhere, his clothes were dirty and he looked like he'd been up all night. He said he'd been up since 3AM doing some construction work. All throughout rehearsal Nikki was thinking man, now he looks kind of hot sitting there all unkempt, hair all uncombed and disheveled with all his muscles and stuff. Had Nikki daydreaming a little bit like ummmmmmmm come to mama...let's go take a shower.
Nikki definitely has had a problem with letting a man be in control and take the lead. if/when a man gives things to her and does nice things for her, Nikki sometimes falls into the trap of feeling like she has to give back. She feels guilty and is afraid he will judge her for being selfish and spoiled (narcissistic's worst critics).
Nikki definitely has a problem with over-functioning. At the same time, some times, Nikki may temporarily fall under the spell of certain men in certain situations because they are in charge and they represent the alpha that Nikki respects and craves. Problem is that they are alpha in only ONE aspect of their life and not in all others so Nikki ends up losing respect for them.
Nikki will take a somewhat more rude, arrogant, materialistic, shallow, chauvinistic, optimistic, successful grinding man who feels a sense of duty and responsibility towards his family and is undefeated in his mindset over a whiny feminine man who lets or expects Nikki take over. Nikki can't stand beta males.
Nikki LOVES George Jefferson even with all his somewhat selfishness, thoughtlessness and caveman like tendencies. I mean the feminist in Nikki hates him but the feminine Nikki thinks he's actually ridiculous but at least genuine in how he feels. Nikki loves that. He's honest about how he feels, what he wants, speaks his mind and goes after his goals in life. Sometimes his wife has to remind him to have a heart and he's so egotistical but Nikki prefers that over a beta male. AND he clearly loves his wife and his family and will make corrections when he has to. He is SOOOOO FUNNY. He is rude but he does listen to his wife and family.
Nikki meets guys sometimes and listens to them for 5 minutes and thinks MAN DIDN'T THIS GUY'S FATHER TEACH HIM ANYTHING? GOD DAMN. Some guys these days have absolutely NO pride..well damn the video keeps getting deleted off youtube
Nikki is not saying that she wants to go back to the stone ages. She knows that she has certain limitations and shortcomings that she may never ever be able to reverse in terms of being a traditional feminine woman. For example, Nikki is not really all that great with cooking and cleaning. Nikki enjoys cooking and serving her man and it's fun listening to him smack away as he enjoys her food. But she cannot imagine her life being consumed by being a housemaid to her man and she HATES cleaning.
So she doesn't see herself going all the way back to the 50's. There's got to be some way to find the man that complements her well and where we balance each other out. Nikki is willing to TRY as best she can to be a little more domestic
In the beginning of this post I stated that this guy said "If I have it I have it, if I don't you have it."
ISN'T IT TIME WE STOP LYING TO OURSELVES AND TO THE WORLD AND SHOW THESE MOFOS WHO WE REALLY ARE? I MEAN ARE THERE ANY REAL STRONG CAPABLE ALPHA MALES OUT THERE WHO ARE READY TO RESCUE NIKKI? FEMINIST NIKKI CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF BUT FEMINIST NIKKI IS ALSO TIRED AS HELL, READY TO PUT DOWN HER SWORD AND GET HER HAIR AND NAILS DONE. BEING A REAL ALPHA MALE HERO IS HOT TO NIKKI AND NIKKI IS DEFINITELY A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS IN MORE WAYS THAT SHE MAY SHOW ON THE SURFACE.
Nikki's definitely ready to submit and learn from the RIGHT alpha male.
working and more time having fun
Thank you so much for the opportunity to share my feelings and have this truly cathartic release. If there are ANY remnants of this bullshit ass pattern remaining in Nikki's subconscious you now have my permission to annihilate them.
I now officially declare this pattern completely shaken off and dead.
Sincerely & Lovin you,