It's pretty funny and interesting how the universe works though because I've noticed there are a lot of people who are very very lonely and desperate for friendship and social interaction. They can get really depressed when they don't have it. I find that because I have no feelings of desperation to make friends, somehow the energy I must be putting out into the universe makes me a people magnet. It's so friggin' weird how when you don't really want or need something, you get that shit in an overly abundant way.
People seem to flock to me for friendship. This is true for male companionship as well. I was with and faithful to the same man, my EX-husband for 20 years of my life and now that I'm single again, it is a whole new world I'm navigating with men. There's always someone in pursuit. I like men, I like attention from men, however, I'm also not desperate to be with a man or desperate to be loved by a man. I am a daddy's girl (R.I.P.), was very spoiled by my father and therefore I don't necessarily need to always have a man to feel whole or validated.
The point is that somehow whatever energy I am throwing off means that I have no shortage of people who want to be friends, want romance, whatever. It's like I'm over here in my lane by myself just chillin and someone is always coming up to me. I'm always looking up to see somebody new in my face. I mean every time I turn around, I'm meeting someone new, someone is trying to be my friend, wants to hang out with me, is inviting me somewhere, etc.
I'm not complaining, It's a nice "problem" to have.
The downside to this is that I have a tendency to attract all kinds of people into my life and because I'm pretty happy with myself quirks and all, I am not always immediately good at discernment when it comes to picking GOOD people to keep around. I'm good with having only a small circle of really close friends that are really fun, really "get" me and accept me for who I am. I don't need a large social circle.
If I open my mind, open my heart and let someone in, it's usually because I'm thinking we could be "tight" like that, but am learning that everyone is not quality material. It's kind of like I'm a magnet that needs a much better filter to only let good healthy people in and to keep all the sidebusters out rather than just being open minded and accepting anyone. Or maybe put in a better or different way, I can accept a person "as is" but it doesn't mean I have to let them into my inner circle. Kind of like someone applying for a position and everyone is not going to meet your qualifications.
What I'm saying is that in my own naivete in letting too many people into my world without a proper vetting process, I have discovered that a lot of people are simply fuckin' cray cray. I am learning to be better about identifying the problem and getting rid of it before it has time to infiltrate into my life and fuck with my joy.
That was a long ass intro into the point I wanted to get to...
In the not so distance past, I met this person. Yes. A guy. We became friends. Of course at first, he started with the "you are so pretty" "you are so beautiful" stuff and he was, I guess, trying to get his macking skills going. I told him that I was not trying to get down like that because I just disentangled myself from a mess, he understood and so we became "friends." Purely platonic friends.
We said our "I love you brother/sister" thing and I meant it. I'm sure he meant it too. At first I didn't trust him at all but over time as our friendship grew and we got to know each other, I really felt like wow I love this guy. I love him very much and care for him very deeply as a friend.
I love how much he tells me he cares about me, how he checks on me, texts me just to say hi. I love how he offers to help me with things such as "man tasks" (things I need testosterone and muscles for that I can't do). I love he likes to "be there for me". I mean really I absolutely LOVE that. I love that he's so smart/intelligent and a hustler. I love that I feel like I could probably count on him for many many things. I love that he makes me feel like if I called him, he would be there. I love that when I text him, he almost always texts me back, I love that he listens to me and cares about my feelings, thoughts and opinions. I love that he remembers what I say. Sometimes it's really the little things. Of course he knows I love food and I love to eat and he's ALWAYS making sure I have food to eat. I was not given a lot of good home training and domestic skills so him cooking for me has been a godsend. I learned about some great spices and techniques from him.
Maybe it's one of my "daddy" issues because me and my Dad had a real pleasurable bond over food. My dad was always taking me out to eat and buying me the world, most especially food. He liked to eat and so do I. So maybe when a guy feeds me, it makes me feel loved and comforted or something. I don't know but I LOVE it. I'm starting to wonder if it may be the way to my heart....not sure actually.
I love that he finds time in his day to call me or text me and let me know that he was thinking about me or that he missed me. I love that it is so easy for him to express his love and appreciation and his willingness to be a better man, a better friend and to be helpful. There is so many things I love about him and his attempts at being a good friend. I enjoyed how much he wanted to be a gentleman always carrying the heavy stuff, opening doors, being a shoulder to lean on. And I love that he spends time trying to get to know me, understand what makes me tick and that he makes adjustments along the way. I absolutely love and adore his heart and his mind and appreciate his kindness and generosity. I love that he has such a forgiving nature and a tender heart and is not afraid to show his vulnerable side. I really love all these things about him. There's so many things about him that I love and loved about him.
I know, I know...
First of all, being around this guy can be VERY energy draining. One minute he's low-self esteem, dumb can't do anything (he's always fishing for it saying "I'm such a dummy") then another minute, you are sitting there stung because of some backhanded compliment or sly insult he's thrown your way. One minute you almost feel like he's fishing for compliments by constantly putting himself down or being the ultimate "humble Christian." Still not even sure if what he does is conscious or unconscious. Even though I would not classify him as anything dangerous and he truly was just a friend, this article actually explains a little bit better than I can the road I feel you could end up on staying around this guy for too long. "Covert Emotional Manipulation" Ok Ok...maybe that's too much. Maybe an overstatement. I don't know but who wants to stick around waiting to find out if someone is just taking his sweet time to unleash his entire portfolio of crazy on you?
And then, there's the SHADE. Hmmmm. What can I say about Shady? Have you ever had a "friend" who made you feel like shit most of the time? Or the kind that will lift you up only to tear you to shreds? Like for every 1 compliment they give you, you get about 100 slick little comments, sly insults and put downs? I think one time Oprah maybe said it's like getting "pecked to death by a duck". You know that friend that is always throwing shade at you to knock you down a few pegs. Or it's like a guy trying to play those stupid "PUA" games and be slick and neg you all the time so that he can erode your self-esteem enough to get you down to his stupid level. Almost like a con artist or a pimp who is extremely manipulative. First he sucks you in either by playing the savior or the victim role, then he gets comfortable and the games begin.
I can think of COUNTLESS examples of the insidious nature of his shade and what it felt like being around him but I'm only going to mention a few:
Shady: You look really pretty today
Me: Thank you
Shady: Yeah I told ____ she looked really pretty today too (like don't get too full of yourself you ain't special)
Me: Wow, I can't believe it, it's really cool this guy said I have a phat website and youtube channel
Shady: Oh really? See I told you the general public is stupid.
The thing is that it's possible that things said like this are totally unconscious. If a person is already full of negative self-talk and doesn't think very highly of themselves, then it is very likely that it is simply NATURAL and automatic to say things like this to other people. I don't know but I also don't want to stick around too long analyzing it. Having a person like that around can totally erode your confidence, fill you with self-doubt and totally shred your self-esteem.
No way. Gotta get the hell away from me!
I mean did this guy compliment me and encourage me A LOT? YES. But it was peppered with so many insults and a barrage of sly/slick negative comments that completely negate anything good he had to say.
Moving beyond the shade...the continuous feeling that this guy is always the self-deluded "victim" or "savior"?
Me: You're lucky that someone has opened their home to you and given you a rent-free place to stay for such a long time and that so many of us are willing to help you by giving you rides and other things.
Him (sitting in my passenger seat): All of you are spoiled. I spoil all of ya'll
Nicca you have set the bar waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too low. No wonder you call yourself a dummy sometimes cuz that is super duper dumb and some of the most ridiculous bullshit I have ever heard. What kind of dumb women are falling for this bullshit? Look captain save-a-hoe, clearly you got me mixed up with some of your ghetto ratchet stupid chick friends. You're joking right , where do you find your material?
Me: When you ask me to pick you up and I text you to let you know I'm on my way, please be outside (or close to outside) and waiting. You know it only takes me 10-15 minutes to get there and I don't like getting there and waiting for you in the parking lot for another 10-15 minutes until you come outside
Him: Your'e right and Ok, I'm actually waiting outside right now
Later that night:
Me: Whew! It's cold outside
Him: I know, you had me outside waiting for you in the cold
BUT there were at least 3-4 times in that same week that he asked me to come pick him up and said he was "ready whenever you are". I leave to go pick him up, tell him I'm on my way, he says "ok" and still has the nerve to have me sitting outside waiting in the parking lot for 10-15 minutes for him after I arrive. Don't you think if someone is nice enough to give you a ride that you would be respectful of their time? So THEN , I finally and simply asked not to be left waiting and you wanna throw shots at me? Not to mention there were SEVERAL other places he could have had me pick him up from where he could have been waiting INSIDE AND you're a grown ass fuckin' man...WHY ARE YOU STANDING OUTSIDE WITH NO JACKET OR SWEATER ON ANYWAY? Guess what? Nikki's not dumb. She's read a book or two and is hip to your games man.
8 Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation
On top of all of the aforementioned, I also felt like he was often lying, telling half truths or saying things with a small sliver of truth to them to be manipulative. I would be doubting myself a little bit more about this inner feeling except that when I told him that he's very manipulative and plays mind games, he said "I've been told that before." So then, I'm clearly not just making some shit up out of thin air.
Bottom line is that I felt like he was simply insecure within himself and his current status in life. Depending on his mood, how he was feeling about himself and his current circumstances, instead of bearing the burden of his own feelings and depression, he was bound to take you for a ride through his own living psychological hell.
Intentional or not, don't care. I feel much better not being around that energy. Love him and I feel bad for saying it but I'm just keeping it real.
20 Signs You Are With A "Covert" Narcissist
Emotional Abuse 101: Toxic Friends and Victim-Blaming
Narcissists: Five Powerful Ways Narcissistic Abusers Get Inside Your Head
How Covert Narcissists Brain Wash Their Victims
I also started to understand why MANY people say that a man and a woman cannot be platonic friends (unless she's ugly or he's not attracted to her)...because shit gets really confused. This woman once said that this other guy, that I WAS briefly seeing, could not handle my beauty. WELL GET THE FUCK ON THEN. If you are insecure and intimidated by my looks, my intelligence, my accomplishments, my whatever then why even fuckin' bother approaching me? If you are intimidated by my beauty then stop being stupid, tell your penis to calm the fuck down and find some ugly woman that you feel is more on your level. I'm not trying to be the star of "She's Out of My League". If you are man enough to approach me then be man enough and confident enough in yourself to handle me or get out of my fuckin' face. Just because I am aesthetically pleasing to the eye, I'm still a fucking human being with a heart not someone to be played with, objectified and manipulated. If you have the balls to approach me and I gave you the time of day, at least have enough confidence in yourself to treat me well and not stoop to playing silly little childish games. That shit's not gonna fly.
As I stated earlier, there is NO SHORTAGE of people trying to enter into my world. No shortage of friends, no shortage of attention from men. I'm not perfect but in my opinion I'm pretty damn fabulous, all things considered. If you approach me and I let you in then then you have to be confident and secure enough within yourself to handle it because YES you DO have competition and YES I AM gonna be higher maintenance than some ugly insecure woman. YOU HAVE TO BE READY FOR ALL THIS if you want to be in my world.
Arrogance is Not the Same as High Self-Esteem
The 7 Warning Signs of Low Self Esteem
You have to surround yourself with successful people, people of a like mind and even if a person is temporarily down in his/her circumstances, has enough courage and belief in themselves to know that they are "the shit" and will rise again.
One thing I notice about being with people who have high self esteem vs low self esteem is people with high self esteem generally have positive things to say about everyone, take pleasure in lifting other people up, are not afraid to let everyone shine, etc. After you have been around them, you feel great. Well, I should say that you feel great if you yourself have high self esteem.
Unless the person has changed completely, once someone shows me their "true" colors, or burns me so badly, it's like THE KITCHEN IS CLOSED. We're done. PERIOD! Life is too short and there's billions of people on the planet.
And I will feel almost nothing by that time because more than anything else, I feel RELIEF, JOY and HAPPINESS that the bullshit/nonsense is over. NO REGRETS. NO REGRETS for opening my heart and loving and no regrets for walking away. NONE.
I've had sooooo many people tell me they love me and then show me that they don't. I don't know that they do it on purpose, but when you don't love yourself, it's impossible to really and truly love another. LOVE IS A VERB and a lot of people will say "I love you" but they show you the complete opposite of that. I realize that I have been around a LOT of people, especially family, who claim they love me but they actually don't. They only do what they do for the "cameras" as if they have an audience they need to impress. Not because they really love you. And these kind of people are the worst because you would think that the people who are in your family would want to see you successful and yet a lot of times, instead of them being your biggest fan club they can be your biggest HATERS. It is hard to swallow but the idea that someone who is supposed to love you the most is your biggest hater has been a part of me growing up and seeing the truth. I can say "hey look I'm on tv right now" and inevitably someone who claims they love me would say something like "yeah but you look fat in that outfit". Thanks...you're the best! The best at hatin!!
The problem I had in my christian-jesusified-brainwashing-training is trying to be too kind, too accepting and too open to everybody. It's like the psychological equivalent of having all kinds of random people knocking on my door and I'd throw it wide open and say COME ON IN. That was dumb on my part and I'm definitely learning how to spot crazy better and nip that shit in the bud immediately! Well and to be fair, what I should say is people who drive me crazy rather than calling someone crazy.
This all has been a great learning process because I was able to learn a great deal about myself, things that I really like and things that I really don't like. I learned that I like men who are passionate and intense but not overly sensitive and emotional. Not sure how to describe the difference but at least I can better spot it when I see it.
And now, I also know better about leaving the door wide open for everyone. NO.
I only want HIGH SELF ESTEEM FRIENDS AND PEOPLE in my inner circle. If you know you have issues stay the hell away from me.
High-self-esteem friendships have the following qualities:
- The relationship is based on mutual affection and respect.
- Competition is low and support is high.
- Interactions are positive more often than negative.
- Disagreements don’t put the friendship in jeopardy.
- Apologies are heartfelt on both sides.
There's no space in Nikki's Inner Circle for people who claim that they love me but have a really fucked up way of actually showing it. There's no space in here for people who try to bring me down or try to make me feel bad about myself. There's no space for miserable people who just want to bring me down to their level. No space for people who say that they love me but don't really care about my feelings, what's important to me, my needs, what makes me happy. No space for people who take but don't give. People who say they are givers and want to give to me but end up taking way more than they are giving.
No space for loud-talking assholes who LOVE to put other people down instead of lifting people up. People who are lonely bottom-feeders trying to get in on what you got going on. People who gas you up at first and then start wearing away at your self esteem slowly but surely. Lonely depressed people who do nothing but wreak havoc in your life and cause a bunch of bullshit and chaos.
No space for people who play mind games. No space for people that say they love you but it's impossible because they don't love themselves.
Fuck unhappy people who just want you to be unhappy and miserable right along with them. People who want to hold you back, keep you down in the ghetto slums of their minds because they don't know any other way. Fuck all you MISERABLE PEOPLE. BOTTOM FEEDERS AND GUTTER TRASH who try to use people as a punching bag to make yourselves feel better.
I got no space and no time for people who really and truly want to keep you down beneath them or at their level and cannot truly handle or celebrate your success. No time and no space in my heart for some of you sadistic fucks who are supposed to love me but actually find joy in keeping me unhappy or making me feel unhappy. Fuck fake ass people who don't really even want you to be successful. People who SAY they love you but all of their actions prove otherwise. People who claim they love you and want you to be happy but do nothing but make you feel unhappy and like shit. People who do nothing but make fun of you, make sly slick comments and insults but don't have shit going on for themselves.
Yeah. FUCK ALL OF YOU. If you ain't really "for" me in your words, deeds and actions then miss me with your bullshit. I got no time or space for you in my heart nor in my inner circle. We ain't friends and we definitely ain't family.