Not really, that's just the title that came to my mind at the moment. Plus I don't know what's up with these dates but I started this post on 8/7/2015 and the date keeps changing randomly. Oh well.
Right now I'm hungry so I envision myself writing only a few lines and then calling it quits. But sometimes that's how a long-ass post starts. LMAO....no intention of writing for long and then it all comes spilling out. But I certainly don't see myself having time for humorous gifs and memes.
I already hand wrote about 8 pages in my journal so I'm feeling particularly cleansed already after several days of not writing so it doesn't feel like a long one coming on.
I was just reflecting upon the fact that I kind of have noticed a cyclical pattern over time in regards to how my life seems to sometimes flow. I'm sure I can think of a bazillion cases that will prove that what I'm saying is not true and I understand that in some "quantum theory" or spiritual lingo, there is no space and time...but I notice that my life is kind of like school with a beginning and end of a school year, graduation, things I've learned etc. Like I said, I know I will think of a million examples where this is not the case but hey, I'm just feeling like my slate is clean, the "old" paradiggggum is purged and it's almost time for new beginnings. Kind of just like a new school year.
I called this a "mid year review" because I'm reminded of back in my serious corporate days, you would get evaluations, or even in school you'd get report cards and have to meet with your counselor. You kind of look at where you've been, what you did well, where you need improvement, goals for the coming quarter/semester/year,. whatever.
And today feeling particularly cleansed after a really EVENTFUL and adventurous first part of 2015, I thought I'd just write a little something.
I know I'm going to be stating the super obvious to most people but I feel like I've really had some profound lessons in my life and repeated "same script different cast" patterns over and over again. It's like no matter where you go, there you are staring at your own subconscious bullshit. Which makes me laugh in hindsight. But you cannot run away. The movie projected into the "Matrix" or into reality by your mind keeps happening over and over again. Almost like you have corrupted software and you keep buying new computers and putting the same fucked up software onto a new machine and encounter the same problems.
Anyway. I'm not wearing my glasses so I can't 100% see but I feel like I'm making sense...at least to myself.
So I had this incident happen over the last few days at an event I was working. I was working side by side with this 25 year old girl who for some reason thought that she was sent in to supervise me and "watch" me. This girl is a stay at home mom who doesn't work in an office environment for a living. There is nothing wrong with that and I think that is admirable but it was just a super bizarre experience of having this woman, no I mean young girl, boss me around, tell me what to do and try to treat me like I'm an imbecile and THEN have to audacity to tell people she was sent in to "watch over me" and then finally tell that to me to my face. Part of me was like what? In fact, MOST of me, let's say 95% of me was like is this bitch crazy?
Growing up the way I have (which I have written about quite a bit) and feeling insecure, having low self esteem, being filled with self doubt about everything...All this mind fuckery means that Nikki used to be very well acquainted with crazy, tolerating crazy, even seeking out crazy. And I don't mean the good fun kind either. After doing so much work on myself and continuing to do that work, I realize that all that is always a choice. It's not like being a child when you grow up feeling like you have no choices. Now Nikki can write a new story and tell a new story. Different script...not same script.
In the old paradigm, I could be the smartest person in the room and believe I was the dumbest or close to it. I could be the most talented, gifted person in a group and believe I was the worst and had to work the hardest. I recall back in high school I was called into the office and I was scared I was in trouble for something. Turns out, my classmates voted me to be the homeroom something or another and I ended up being on student council without ever even running. I've believed I was the dumbest when I was the smartest, the ugliest when I was probably among the most pretty...I have believed horrible lies and stories about myself. I have believed I was the fattest and most unworthy when I had a bangin' body. I mean you can read old blog posts to get where and why this happened but the point is I believed very negative things about myself.
AND...from all these negative and false self beliefs, I made very fucked up and stupid decisions. LUCKILY I still had some shred of self-esteem which allowed me to accomplish a lot in my life but life would sure have been a lot easier if I had a different set of beliefs about myself and I would have attracted a whole different quality of people. My whole attitude would have been different and I would repel certain kinds of people. As I discussed in some of my previous post, hiding and not shining has been a survival and coping mechanism stemming from childhood and feeling powerless. Now that I have a voice and I use it, it's not as easy to trample all over Nikki. Nikki takes care of Nikki and cares about Nikki in a way that she has never been cared for before and that gives Nikki room to shine. YES, it attracts a new kind of set of haters but when I think about it, I had haters before even when I was trying to hide. So may as well own your fabulosity and go out there and kill it. Stop holding back worrying about hurting other people's feelings.
In the past I may have even felt sorry for this stupid chick who felt so bad about herself and me shining was making her feel worse. I mean people were saying "what is her name again?" It almost seemed like the more irrelevant she felt, the less effective she was, the harder she tried and the crazier she became trying to get attention
Cray cray kind of looked like this girl too. No shade to the fat girls cuz I'm fat too. I'm just saying cray cray really did look kind of like this girl.
See in the past I would vacillate between feeling like why is she acting this way and analyzing her and trying to make her feel better. Appeasing her so she would stop trying to come at me. I would have been putting in work trying to cheerlead her and make her feel better cuz clearly she was feeling some kind of way about me.
And I think maybe in some respects a lot of that old behavior came off as insincere to some people anyway. Annoying. Fake, patronizing and condescending like I was pitying or trying to save people who didn't need to be pitied or rescued.
I mean in many respects or most respects it wasn't fake or insincere but it was UNCONSCIOUS and simply a pattern. I grew up in an environment where one minute you were being put on a pedestal to fulfill the lofty fantasies projections and delusions of a narcissist only to be torn down the next minute criticized and treated like an idiot. If you've ever been around crazymakers and crazymaking people, the rules are always changing.
Do you have a Crazymaker? by Julia Cameron
One of the things that we do when we are blocked creatively is that we get involved in intense codependent relationships. We seem to pick people who are absolutely expert at turning the tables on our creativity.
See if anyone in your present (or past) life fits these descriptions:
-Crazymakers spend your time and money
-Crazymakers break deals and destroy schedules
-Crazymakers expect special treatment
-Crazymakers discount your reality
-Crazymakers triangulate those they deal with (So, your crazymaker might say “Everyone really hates you at the office” so that you’re thinking “Who hates me at the office?” instead of “Who is this horrible person saying this to me?”)
-Crazymakers are expert blamers
-Crazymakers create drama, but seldom where it belongs
-Crazymakers hate schedules– except their own. (Your deadline becomes an excuse for them to ask you for something time consuming.)
-Crazymakers hate order (You clear a place in the house so you can work, and your crazymaker comes along and messes it up before you can begin.)
-Crazymakers deny that they are Crazymakers
GOD SO MANY PEOPLE I KNOW OR HAVE KNOWN COULD PROBABLY READ THE ARTIST'S WAY AND LEARN A LOT IF THEY ARE WILLING TO SELF REFLECT.
All I know is I've been around crazymakers and have been one myself trying to avoid creating and needless to say, it is NOT the business!!
I HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU READ THIS BOOK IT MIGHT JUST CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It definitely changed mine.
Now when some people hit me up, I'm like okay...this is just another blocked creative trying to lure me into their low self esteem lair of BULLSHIT....
You see. A lot of people are not even conscious that they are feeling bad inside. They are doing everything they can to avoid their feelings, their loneliness, their inner thoughts, etc and instead of facing all that, they have no idea that their miserable ass is about to bring someone else down.
I swear, if some of you could see yourselves and the unconscious things you do and the games you play....Nikki's self esteem is always teetering on the edge of destruction so she cannot do
“Creativity flourishes when we have a sense of safety and self-acceptance. . . we must learn to place our [inner] artist with safe companions. Toxic playmates can capsize our artist’s growth. Not surprisingly, the most poisonous playmates for us as recovering creatives are people whose creativity is still blocked. Our recovery threatens them.”
Read more at:http://skinnyartist.com/an-artists-bookshelf-the-artists-way-by-julia-cameron/
YOU HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK...SERIOUSLY!!!
I learned survival mechanisms based on crazy makers but I don't have to do that anymore. In the past, I wasn't being fake, per se, but one minute in my own mind, I could believe in my own greatness and then then next minute be filled with self-doubt and self loathing. And it was a matter of protection not to get hurt even worse by making another person feel bad because I'm shining.
NOW. After cleaning off my ledgers and walking away from so many people, places, situations that were toxic to me, it was hard.... SUPER HARD.
Now I'm like fuck it, no more hiding.
Just because people love you, it doesn't mean they will or do respect you. Just because someone loves you and even if you love them, it is also not the same as liking them. You can love people from a distance. Everyone is not good for you even if they have good intentions. Julia Cameron in The Artist's Way talks about Poisonous Playmates and I do my best to keep all that away from me because I AM an artist, I AM sensitive, I DO have a tender heart, I AM very connected to my soul so I HAVE to be very protective of myself and my energy. Just because you make people feel good, it doesn't mean they necessarily will make you feel good in return.
There are many people in my heart that I love and feel love for but when it comes to wanting to be around them, Nikki says....not so much. There's so many people in life I have had a blast with in the moment however long that "moment" lasts
And then even if I still love you and love the time we shared together, something tells me when the moment has passed and it's time to move on
“Creativity is a spiritual practice. It is not something that can be perfected, finished, and set aside. . . This unfinished quality, this restless appetite for further exploration, tests us. We are asked to expand in order that we not contract. . . As artists we are spiritual sharks. The ruthless truth is that if we don’t keep moving, we sink to the bottom and die. . . The stringent requirement of a sustained creative life is the humility to start again, to being anew.”
Read more at:http://skinnyartist.com/an-artists-bookshelf-the-artists-way-by-julia-cameron/
Doesn't mean I don't still love you, it just means I have to do what I have to do. It's time to move on. Love, like, respect, spiritual growth and evolution...these are all different things.
And it happens on the flip side too. Plenty of people have left Nikki in the dust and Nikki had to learn to accept the fact that everything is not for Nikki even if Nikki thinks she wants it and is devastated in the moment not to get or have it. Nikki has been rejected so many times and yes it can be a blow to the ego to like someone and they not like you back. Sometimes people start off acting all cocky and kick me to the curb thinking they "got it like that." I mean I have been dissed, ditched and dismissed by some serious clowns who temporarily made me feel like dirt
“I realize that while people may indeed fail me and turn away, there is an underlying goodness to the Universe which brings to me new friends and new situations. These gifts heal and soothe me. I see the merciful hand of providence despite my pain.” ― Julia Cameron, Transitions
And all I can say is THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!! Plus they always try to ease back in later acting like nothing ever happened. They see you doing well and all fabulous now they are all in your face trying to be "team Nikki" and pretend like nothing ever happened. On the inside I may have forgiven them and even moved so far beyond them or the situation that I even forgot what happened in the past. Like it was completely irrelevant. I mean I never thought I would actually forget certain people that put me through hell BUT, it's funny when you move on to bigger better and greater things...Nikki does sometimes forget like it was all just a dream or a bad nightmare
It's almost weird. No matter how long the proglonged dream/nightmare, no matter how important it seemed at the time, I completely forget about them, what happened, all of it. It's like it's completely gone from my memory.
I mean literally some people have done me so wrong but I moved so far past them that I actually forget what they did...that's how irrelevant they can become. They end up still in the same old silly place reminiscing on the good times we HAD
Meanwhile Nikki has moved on...COMPLETELY!
Other times I might act just like the person coming back around and pretend like I forgot what they did to me but in my mind, I'm like yup, you should not have counted Nikki out...that's what you get. I MAY be cordial, polite and professional. I may even work with you towards a common goal but on the inside, I will never forget how badly some people treated me (or tried to) thinking and acting like I was nothing/nobody. In my mind I'm like oh now you want to simp and kiss my ass huh? Before you were too cool for Nikki now you want to be cool with Nikki like I forgot how you used to treat me? Now you're all #teamNikki and want an all-access VIP pass to Nikkiland? Fuck you to the 11th power!!!!
And I even sometimes feel kind of dumb like wow I can't believe I thought that clown was important. Yup. That's the way the ball has been bouncin' in Nikkiland cuz Nikki wasn't seeing reality just like cray cray girl.
Even in the midst of this little drama with delusional girl, I could still have love and compassion in my heart for her but still it is important that I also have love and respect for myself and ensure that I am treated with respect. In the old paradigm, I would have just assumed that either I'm wrong or no one is going to go to bat for me and I'd be in trouble. In the past I would have just let her keep on messing with me and "praying on it" while she and her low self-esteemed delusional self would have kept pouncing on me and trying to bully me. I'm so glad to see how much progress I've made.
I have these videos called something like "everyone loves hanging with Nikki" and for the most part, there are a lot of people who do like me and like hanging out with me. I mean sometimes I find myself wondering...why do people like me so much. Maybe that's my own delusion...LOL..but it's a good belief to have especially compared to how I used to feel and what I used to think. I mean really, the good thing is that I'm introverted and I love and accept this about myself so I'm highly entertained by my own company. Which means that generally you are not going to find me all
Unless my ambition has kicked in and I'm going after something I really want, my nature is not necessarily all "in your face." Well, let's put it this way, more people chase me than I chase them even though there are some things I have and do chase after. I believe that this kind of "energy" gives off some kind of vibe to people that makes me seem mysterious or something. And then when people meet me and get to know me, they thought I was all "cool" and mysterious and find out really I'm goofy as hell.
I can be quiet and to myself, I can be ultra 100% professional and code-switch with the best of them...after all I AM a performer and I KNOW how I'm supposed to act and that's why sometimes people make assumptions about me not knowing all the different sides to my personality
I've had people come up to me while I'm sitting by myself happy in my own little Nikkiland world.
And they will come up to me saying something like "you look all lonely sitting by yourself" or "you look like you need company." Some people just assume I'm sitting by myself feeling like
One day I went to a hotel by myself to their pool. Yes in Vegas, a lot of the hotel pools will let locals in. So I went by myself, needing that vitamin D sunshine and a place to relax and refresh.
Summertime in the hot sun and a pool is one of my favorite most relaxing places to be. So I was very quiet and to myself having a great time just observing my surroundings and I noticed this guy was trying to strike up a few conversations and eventually he saw me sitting there by myself and he started talking to me. At first I was like dammit, but then he turned out to be funny so the hilarity ensued.
He made me laugh. Yes he had had several beers by then so he was funny as hell. All told by the end of the night after he cajoled me into playing volleyball in the pool...it didn't take long before we had the whole pool playing volleyball and having a blast.
This is what I mean. I went from sitting there by myself perfectly content to the whole pool area screaming, yelling and having a great time. So much so that at one point that guy who kicked things off was lonnnng gone and I was still in the pool playing having a ball. Me and a bunch of kids, teenagers and some adults....Nikki doesn't discriminate! If there's fun to be had, Nikki is gonna have it.
I guess that's what makes it even easier for me to walk away now and quickly because I know that a better time can be had elsewhere. So I'm not nearly as invested in certain people and their dramas as I used to be
YES there are absolutely times when I can act like a desperate low self esteem clingy person depending on the situation, especially when I'm projecting and think something or someone is really super cool (cooler than I perceive myself to be in that moment)...or new and exciting. Then I can really be a dork.
There are times I think I want something so bad that I can be pretty pathetic. I'm definitely not perfect. Instead of the "Art of Allowing", when I don't have my head on straight, I can be downright silly in my chaotic pursuits
But I'm speaking more in general terms. Like 70-80% of the time. So when I say everyone loves hanging with Nikki, I don't literally mean everyone, I just mean that I like to have fun and it seems that GENERALLY speaking even if some people don't like me, many people DO. But I realize that first of all Everyone doesn't like me and everyone is not going to like me. In fact this crazy girl probably hates me. And I'm okay with that. Furthermore, I have learned through some hard lessons that just because someone likes me and wants to be around me and spend time with me and be all up in Nikkiland, it doesn't mean that I have to like them back. This has definitely been a HUGE error I have made. I have said it before, everything in my insides will tell me NO, this person is not right, something is OFF about them and still because they persist and I'm trying to be open (and I doubt myself) I let the jackass in the door. IT IS A MISTAKE!!!
Nikki doesn't have time for defective and ineffective merchandise
The times I'm particularly vulnerable is when I leave the old paradigm or the old paradigm kicks me out because it's time to move on and either I end up going back (instead of waiting for new doors to open) or I let someone slide in that I already moved on past.
Kind of like this. You know that what you really want is A but you settle for B because that's all you see in front of you. OR as Reverend Michael Beckwith talks about a lot, when something new is emerging all kinds of chaos happens breaking away old patterns. He says it better than I do but I can say I have experienced this first hand. Sometimes the closer I am to breaking free of an old pattern or paradigm HELLA CRAZY shit happens. And I mean super crazy stuff. Just like my mom said...that "you can't make this stuff up" kind of crazy happens right before my "breakthrough." And wow....one day...the stories I will tell.
So the other thing is that I struggle sometimes because some people like me and want to be around me, even love me and even though I love them, being around them is a downer or toxic or both. There is one person in particular that I love very much but there's just something in my gut that tells me that they are toxic to me and will be for me. Is it because I caught them telling little white lies and manipulative lies from the moment I met them? Their penchant for gossiping and wanting to sit around and gossip? Their continuous emotional games and manipulation? Their words and actions not lining up? Their fishing for compliments and sympathy? OR all of the above? Yes. All of that. Something in my gut keeps saying they SEEM like a nice person but something about them is TOXIC for Nikki and they need to stay away. This particular person SAYS all the right things but when it comes to actually following up and doing them, they get a D- for effort. What they SAY vs what they do, how they act does not line up.
Maybe some of their behavior comes from the fact that they like and love me so much, they are afraid to be vulnerable and get hurt. THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR I UNDERSTAND. I totally used to be that same kind of scared person that would really like and have a crush on someone from the inside but not want them to know it so I would be mean on the outside. I GET IT.
I remember this super fine dude and I mean like swagged out, hot, made all the girls around swoon, giggle and chase after him...you know the kind of "fine and he knows it" type guy...And he was TALL, DARK, MUSCULAR AND DELICIOUS.
He knew it. Was always making an excuse to take his shirt off and show off his body. It wasn't necessarily arrogance just MAXIMUM confidence
I mean in the looks department, he was sexy chocolate to the infinite power. He was so hot that he could show up looking like a hot mess and still know he was fine as hell. That kind of guy. So this guy starts to pursue me and I just couldn't handle it. I turned into a school girl and acted like he didn't make me go all nuts inside. I played it super cool and meanwhile several years later, I still haven't erased him from my spank bank.
In my head I was like: I may not know what I'm doing but I'm ready to learn...I bet he can teach me
With this guy the chemistry was just explosive. Had Nikki in her feelings like
BUT...I hid my feelings and I was not always as friendly toward him. I was inconsistent because sometimes I felt confident like "of course he likes all this" but I was also riddled with self doubt. This is not to be confused with me being cold and standoffish toward guys to STOP them from coming for me because I'm not interested in them. In this case, it was the opposite. I was so attracted to everything about him physically that he made me feel ridiculously nervous every time he was in my face.
His voice, sexy as hell, his accent, his swag, he smelled so good, his body, his confidence. Just my type...tall but not ginormous. Just tall enough so I can wear heels and we still look good together. Maybe 6'2 or 6'3. Cocky in that real quiet super masculine kind of way, not all loud and in your face like fake-ass arrogant dudes that get on my nerves (so insecure). It's that "I'm the shit and I know it" kind of cocky." That "I'm comfortable in my own skin" kind of cocky. And he was the kind of guy that had women throwing themselves all over him so he was cocky and picky. Like he was going after what HE liked and all the attention from women wasn't blowing his head up. Nikki likes crazy cocky alpha male guys like that. That quiet warrior hunter spirit but soon as they warm up they are fun, funny and goofy as hell...Just like Nikki.
Nikki loves confidence hates arrogance and also hates fake humility too. Insecurity on a man is also very very unbecoming. What can I say, my father was quite the cocky confident type guy who had women always throwing themselves at him so I guess in a way that's what Nikki is used to. Besides being the youngest and tallest brother used to attention, he was also a young talented athlete. From all the attention I saw that he got from women, he never SEEMED to be the womanizing type. OF COURSE Nikki is probably naive because she never SAW or witnessed her dad being a womanizing type guy, but one would HOPE that a father would model certain behavior in front of their daughter first and foremost and he just always seemed much more obsessed and interested in sports, gambling and having fun than he did women. She never saw her mother OR her father acting in that way. EVER.
Anyway, back to this guy....he didn't even care that I was so standoffish, he just kept on coming for me in front of everybody like he just KNEW he could have me. He was just so sexy with his "come here woman, I want you" kind of attitude (Nikki learned she loves that). He made me feel so nervous I was even more goofy than normal on the occasion I felt confident enough to be friendlier. I mean he was like my own personal "Billy Dee" and I just didn't know how to handle it or act. Talk about cool. I mean he was just so cool Nikki did not know how to act.
After a little while, I started sensing that I made him a little nervous like he didn't know what to say to me once he finally had me "cornered". I damn sure didn't know exactly what to say to him either but I was trying to be cool too in spite of how excited he made me feel. It was so awkward because my body would be pumping with the adrenaline of excitement like wow this man is setting me on fire inside.
When he was so bold to tell me "give me a kiss" with that sexy fuckin' accent it was everything I had in me to [PAUSE] lean over and let him kiss my cheek. I mean I wanted him to fuck me in every corner of the UNIVERSE but I HAD to hold myself back with every ounce of my being knowing that was not the right decision for Nikki. I didn't want to be "that girl" who gave into her desires only to be a booty call and I didn't want it to go the other direction either. Hook up and then find out he's not the right man for you.
I totally get that in these days a one night stand is no big deal but Nikki dealt with that one night stand kind of stuff waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back when she was young (before marriage) and she never ever liked it. She had exactly 1 true unintentional one night stand in her life (she actually had a crush on the guy and didn't know it was just about the sex for him) and 1-2 booty call type situations as a young adult (again before marriage) and she never ever liked how it felt. I mean she couldn't really even let her self get into it because it didn't feel right. Of course that doesn't include the guys she may have let go a few bases but never a home run but none of it ever felt good or right for Nikki. Nikki can't let go and get out of her head when it's just about the sex. Maybe that's where religion and being a daddy's girl had Nikki fucked up but she just couldn't do it. Still can't.
I mean this guy had Nikki's hormones off the wall
BUT Nikki is really an old fashioned romantic type. It doesn't matter how horny she is or how much a guy turns her on, she knows how horrible she felt eons ago when she actually liked a guy and made a mistake giving in too soon and she never ever ever wants to make that mistake ever again.
There's not a lot of people that make me feel like he did...but there have been a few. Just because you feel incredible chemistry with someone doesn't mean they are right for you. Nikki didn't want to make a mistake and then be playing cat and mouse games.
Every time I saw him though, it was such a challenge, all the drama going on inside me. Like, this can't possibly be real. He can't be for real. My heart would literally be pounding. Instead of allowing myself to be afraid, insecure, vulnerable and show my feelings I hid and would go back and forth from being friendly to ball crusher or pay attention to every other guy in the room giving me attention just to make myself feel worthy. Actually this has happened twice now that I'm thinking about it and telling the truth.
In the romantic getaway of my mind, Nikktasy Island, I've been deeply and madly in love (or infatuated) and the guy was literally treating me and making me feel like the most beautiful and sexiest woman in the world
I wasn't ready then. I couldn't handle it. All those feelings running through Nikki's mind and yet on the outside I would ACT like
Nothing ever went anywhere with this guy and I mean NOTHING because even if my body was telling me yes everything else within me was saying NO I'm not ready. I KNEW I wasn't ready. But I wanted to be...Lord knows I wanted to be
Nikki is truly a lover but has just been afraid. Simple as that. And hiding a big heart behind immature egoic games takes a massive amount of effort. Simply, I wasn't ready to be real. I was emotionally unavailable and didn't have the self esteem required to handle such a blessing. Nikki had a lot of work to do. Nikki wanted a man that made her feel that way but she just couldn't handle it at the time
A lot of people repeat the same mistakes over and over again. They think if they move to a new place things will be different. A new relationship will be different. But like I said before, you take YOU wherever you go and if you don't deal with what is going on with you on the inside, it will keep manifesting on the outside. So the reality is that I KNEW I wasn't ready for anything at that point in time with ANYBODY. I knew that I was in a relationship with the same person for 20 years and that I had a LOT of inner work I needed to do before I could even think about being with anyone even though I definitely wanted to. I just didn't want to repeat the same stories over and over again. I LOVE and I mean SUPER LOVE, love songs, but who in the hell wants to walk around living their live like one?
"When you abandon yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, relationally and/or organizationally, you automatically make your partner responsible for you. Once you make another person responsible for your feelings of self-worth and well being, then you attempt to manipulate that person into loving you, approving of you and giving you what you want. The controlling behavior that results from self-abandonment creates huge relationship problems." Emotional self-abandonment.
What to Do When You’re the Emotionally Unavailable One
12 signs you're involved with an Emotionally Unavailable Person
#SoCold: 10 Struggles Every Emotionally Unavailable Woman Goes Through
From a physical perspective, he was the PERFECT guy in EVERY WAY. I mean isn't it stupid that the Universe gives you perfection personified and yet you fuck it up cuz you think you don't deserve it? Yet I KNEW I wasn't ready.
I mean I couldn't believe my serendipitous luck. He was a perfect "specimen" from the outside. Tall. Big frame and muscular so we looked good together (like my big tall amazon self was MADE for him). We wouldn't be looking like a number 10 together because he also was a very big man. A big frame. Not husky or fat just BIG. Like he was made just for a big tall woman like Nikki. Pick me up without breaking a sweat. Yeah we might break some furniture together but it would be HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All I'm saying is he was a BIG boned large framed guy so I wouldn't feel like he couldn't handle me or that I would break him. Like we could go beast mode on each other and nobody would get hurt.
WOW. I get just breathless thinking about him still sometimes.
I mean physically speaking just wow. But you see how in all my fantasies this guy is not even real? He's not human?
It could never and did never go anywhere at that time is because I couldn't see past my physical attraction. ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT is him externally. I could not see him as a person with a heart all I could imagine is him getting hit on a million times a day and how could someone like this ever be faithful to just me. On top of that, I was also riddled with so many insecurities about my worthiness of being with someone I was so physically attracted to. Like why is he chasing me? There are all these beautiful women around and perfect 10's and I just don't understand why he keeps coming for me. I just had too much bullshit in my head. It sounds ridiculous in hindsight but I just couldn't ever believe and trust that he genuinely might like me and be interested in me. My fears ran rampant in my head and I just could not accept the idea that this guy could ever be genuine.
This was me around 19 years old...even then, I was messed up in the head in a very dysfunctional destructive relationship...but with an amazingly passionate fine-ass 6'4 cute dude. Even though the relationship was extremely toxic we had incredible chemistry but I had the same trust and insecurity issues. I didn't trust him, he didn't trust me and I was not a trustworthy person either. I was immature, I was insecure and I played a lot of games even though that's not the kind of relationship I wanted, even at 19. And we drank and partied all the time together. It wasn't real. We were addicted to each other and to getting fucked up cuz I was fucked up.
I looked one way on the outside
Which is so stupid. I know Marlon Wayans is joking cuz he is fine as hell. Him AND Shawn. When you believe all the lies and the put downs, and insults you grew up with, no matter what you look like on the outside, you don't see reality. And when you don't see reality, that's how you end up living a pathetic joke of a life settling for THE JOKER. I met the man who I finally married 13 years later because I settled for much less believing that this was the answer...SETTLING falsely believing this kind of idiot was the only thing out there available for a girl like me.
If people you grow up around can convince you that you are fat and unattractive in need of major work when you look like this and get all kinds of attention from boys, you have to know that your mind has been packed FULL OF LIES.
Nikki is not alone: Janet Jackson opens up about body issues
I love to dance. I didn't super love ballet but I always loved dance, performing, rehearsals, being in costumes, getting ready for a show. So much about it that I just loved but I didn't love being criticized. I suppose the artist in me was too sensitive for all that. Dance was supposed to be fun and in so many respects WAS fun for a long time. But just like many things in Nikki's young life, it was a love/hate relationship. One moment it would be a blast and the most awesome thing ever
The next moment I'd be feeling like
Ths is my old dance teacher Norine Xavier from West Coast Dance Theater. She and her sister Marnell had a really awesome school and program in Alameda, CA. But still, it was hard on me. It has taken a long time for me to get to a point when I can see myself on TV, videos and pictures and feel ok with myself. Kind of ironic to have Abby Lee digging into her. It's just irony. Nonetheless, my early performing arts endeavors were invaluable. LMAO at the flag on the floor...wonder if she's still doing the same routine?
Nikki was lost in exile with no roots. No culture.
And definitely no one around her who could truly and empathically understand and nurture the needs and the inner nature of a TRUE highly sensitive artist such as Nikki. Every small criticism was taken as a huge blow and a reason to go into hiding.
“The need to be a great artist makes it hard to be an artist. The need to produce a great work of art makes it hard to produce any art at all. . . Fear is what blocks an artist. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of not finishing. The fear of failure and of success. The fear of beginning at all.”
Read more at:http://skinnyartist.com/an-artists-bookshelf-the-artists-way-by-julia-cameron/
It is understandable that in traditional West American dance, it is expected that you have a certain body type but this also really exacerbated my warped perception of myself.
I especially have believed all the media program that says guys want a skinny blonde girl like Paris Hilton then started opening my eyes and learning that while some guys may like that, there are PLENTY of men that like the opposite. Same thing with me believing that I should skip over all short guys, skinny guys, muscular guys, etc. I have learned that for many guys opposites attract...I had no idea.
It is not until I got divorced and started making so many changes within myself that I even challenged all the bullshit beliefs I've been holding since childhood. I mean all my life I've gotten attention from men/boys but it's not until 40+ years old that I look in the mirror at my own self and feel beautiful inside and out. It doesn't matter how many guys approached me and what they looked like or how great they were, I had to do all my own internal work to get past my issues and believe my own self to be lovable, sexy, beautiful, wanted, etc.
I say all that to say that I understand why sometimes people may act inconsistent especially when all you see is what's on the surface. We are human and we make assumptions about people, we have unconscious patterns, beliefs, etc. ME INCLUDED!
I'm definitely not saying that I am the most gorgeous woman on the planet but what I can say is that sometimes I notice that some men and even people in general objectify me or see me almost as if I'm not a human being with feelings all based on how I look and present myself. They throw shade and think "I'll knock her down a peg or two." I know maybe some people can't relate to this feeling but it's no different than girls chasing a guy or being with him for what he has in his wallet and objectifying him because of his status or money.
It hurts and it can be scary when you want to open your heart but people only see what's on the surface. Even though I have gotten a lot tougher as I have grown up, it still hurts sometimes. ESPECIALLY when you can't tell if someone is being sincere vs just trying to trick you for ulterior motives. It's like man please COME ON, I have a heart.
I had a guy once tell me that all beautiful women are crazy and full of themselves and then found three other guys who validated this belief. So then it made sense why this guy was always staring at me from afar and doing little things to try to get my attention but then other times he was very mean to me. Even though I want to reject that idea and say it's not fair for someone to treat me a certain way just because the way I carry myself, when I think about things in reverse and how I went into auto-pilot mean girl mode to protect myself and my heart with sexy chocolate, I understand why some people start trippin'. I've been there.
If you've ever been backstage with everyone's adrenaline pumping...some people who are not used to it, start acting really ridiculous simply because of their nerves. I have been one of them.
I know I've been this way and the story I'm telling about sexy chocolate is from a few years ago. Just because that is how I acted and behaved, I'm not like that anymore. I'm much more comfortable and confident around guys I also find physically attractive just like over time I have become much more comfortable with being on stage in front of an audience. The point is to become conscious of your behavior not keep doing the same shit over and over again. Now I can look at a guy who is hot, talk to him just like a normal dude and feel comfortable, confident and worthy...It has taken a lot of work but I am thankful I'm not who I used to be.
I can't say I 100% understand spiritual and universal laws but one pattern I have noticed is a lot of times the Universe will give me teasers. Almost like a "trailer" and shows me things I may want that I never ever thought or believed I could have. Of course, in the moment I want it right then and there but there is so much inner work I must do that I don't get what I think I want. Sometimes after the inner work I don't want it anymore and then it comes back into my life.
I'm not saying that this particular guy will ever be back or come back and I'm not saying that I want him in particular. But when the man of my dreams comes, this time, I will be ready for him. After so many years have passed and I've gained so much more confidence, I may have the same chemical reaction to the physical presence of a man like him but not the same emotional, psychological or unconscious beliefs and feelings.
Now days and most days I feel pretty good about myself and sexy in my own unique way. I know that Nikki isn't going to be for everybody but Nikki isn't trying to be with "everybody". Only one man has to love all of Nikki. I'm not trying to be a Victoria's Secret model. I just want to be myself and feel fabulous from the inside out.
YES I still have my insecure moments and feel afraid of falling flat on my face
But at least I'm no longer "objectifying" myself. I'm allowed to make mistakes. I'm allowed to be human. I love and accept myself so much more now and am not feeling like that old flawed unworthy girl anymore. I can handle it.
Of course, the media, commercials and corporate America in general are trying to make profits/money so they are going to do whatever they can to convince you that you're flawed and need to fix something about yourself. They tell you something is wrong with you so you will go out and buy their products. I mean in one way it's maddening but in another way, if you were in a business trying to make money, then people have to believe they need your product...so then what do you really expect them to do? See Century of the Self...it's interesting.
At the same time, it's up to us (you) to choose what you are going to listen to and believe. Many people buy into all the criticism and it's really easy to get sucked in. What am I supposed to believe about my own self if even Paris Hilton is worried about being fat?
There was a whole fat people hate reddit group apparently and yeah I guess a lot of people have an aversion to fat, fatness and fat people. Okay. Reddit also has or had a group called "coontown" too. So am I supposed to hate myself for being black also just because some people have negative views?
It's really up to me to choose. I'm going to have to be the one to decide that I'm okay.
So many women suffer from body image issues and insecurities and there's so many messages we receive especially as women to play on our emotions and tell us there is something inadequate about us. I have been no exception to that however, most days now I feel pretty good and I like to keep that good feeling going. It is a daily DECISION.
And if you don't like or love yourself, Nikki ain't trying to hear all that either. Cuz once you get tired of shitting on yourself then you're ready to pick everyone around you apart with your so-called "helping", "fixing" and "rescuing." No thank you!
When I hear women (or anyone for that matter) start being overly critical of themselves or their bodies, obsessing about dieting or trying to convince me there's something wrong with me that I need to fix, I promptly kick them to the curb. I'm already critical enough of myself as it is and I don't need any new members joining the band of assholes playing in my head. Don't come trying to contaminate or infect me with any part of your plague #nonsensicalbullshit
In Nikki's typical story-telling fashion, I've gone "interior monologue" and you're trying to follow along
"Stream of consciousness is a narrative device that attempts to give the written equivalent of the character's thought processes, either in a loose interior monologue (see below), or in connection to his or her actions. Stream-of-consciousness writing is usually regarded as a special form of interior monologue and is characterized by associative leaps in thought and lack of some or all punctuation. Stream of consciousness and interior monologue are distinguished from dramatic monologue and soliloquy, where the speaker is addressing an audience or a third person, which are chiefly used in poetry or drama. In stream of consciousness the speaker's thought processes are more often depicted as overheard in the mind (or addressed to oneself); it is primarily a fictional device."
So now that we're done with our little scenic route through Nikkiland
Let me get you back on track
I left off in my story of late talking about inconsistency and words and actions just not lining up. Even though I understand it, and I can relate to the behavior it doesn't mean I'm going to allow it. I cannot let it happen. Of course I'm just making up reasons right now but I've spent a lot of years dealing with people who don't get to know me and just assume things about me based on outer appearances, how I carry myself, how I talk, etc. A lot of times people see me in a way and paint a picture that tells a certain story and that story is not always 100% accurate.
This is why writing and reflecting is so awesome because a lot of times it's easier to reveal myself in my writing than it is in my normal day to day interactions. Here is where I get to talk about all the things that got left out on the "cutting room" floor. Edited out of the picture. My website, my writing, my youtube channel, social media all tells a story you may otherwise never hear about Nikki. It's from Nikki's perspective and it's so awesome to be able to have my own voice.
“We should write because it is human nature to write. Writing claims our world. It makes it directly and specifically our own. We should write because humans are spiritual beings and writing is a powerful form of prayer and meditation, connecting us both to our own insights and to a higher and deeper level of inner guidance.
We should write because writing brings clarity and passion to the act of living. Writing is sensual, experiential, grounding. We should write because writing is good for the soul. We should write because writing yields us a body of work, a felt path through the world we live in.
We should write, above all, because we are writers, whether we call ourselves that or not.”
― Julia Cameron, The Right to Write: An Invitation and Initiation into the Writing Life
Instead of taking a time to get to know someone from the inside, you stay in a fantasy world making up stories about the person. Yeah Lance Gross is fine as hell in these pictures but have you seen him in "Temptation"? How whack and non-swag was he there?
My point is that there is one person in particular that I have in my mind that I love so much but I just can't put my finger on it. There's something not right about them. I can sit here and try to make excuses for the behavior, analyze, try to change, fix etc but honestly this person makes Nikki feel ICKY and most to of the time I feel like PLEASE just go away, when are you leaving town, please just lose my number.
They seem fine and like a sweet person but something is OFF BASE. Honestly I just want to love them but I cannot dodge the feeling that says in spite of them seeming to be a great person, they are NOT. And I cannot betray my own self by ignoring this feeling.
The very very first thing I cannot stand is a liar and a manipulator. I cannot stand it. I know people have 50 shades of lies and we are all self-deluded in one way or another but I just cannot stand someone who lies especially not one who CONSCIOUSLY lies. Like who sits there and calculates the lies and the way they are going to mind fuck someone. Even if I notice you are a person that is truthful to me but lying and manipulative to someone else? I will not like you because I don't feel like I can trust you. I do not like liars and this one person on my mind in the moment lies too much whether they are aware of it or not. I hate slick slippery slimy people but I absolutely LOVE and respect brutally honest people. Even if they hurt my feelings in the moment, at least I feel like I can trust them.
I have been burned so many times being stupid and believing in people. I have been stupid. At the end of the day, Nikki is STILL a highly sensitive person deep down and a passionate tender-hearted emotional one.
13 Things Anyone Who Loves A Highly Sensitive Person Should Know
19 Things Highly Sensitive People Do Differently
15 Things To Remember If You Love An Empath
I am EMOTIONALLY INTENSE. I am sensitive. I am wild. But that's what makes me uniquely Nikki.
I know I'm not like "normal" people. I KNOW I'm wildly emotional and this is something I have come to love about myself. If you're not ready for an emotional rollercoaster, you're probably not ready for Nikkiland.
I've definitely changed A LOT but deep down I'm still a very compassionate affectionate sweet deep feeling caring and loving person. I have a much thicker layer of protection now which has made me A LOT tougher but really, my heart is so sweet and pure that if I open it to you, I don't want you playing with it. Just like I don't want to play with someone else's heart. If you prove to me that you are not a person I can trust or give my tender heart to, I just can't help it. I will love you from a distance but I won't want to let you keep getting close to me so you can hurt me. Especially if you like to play games and are slick and slimy. I will love you from afar but I will not want to be friends with you.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...whatever. Nikki has a heart and feels bad about having to kick this person to the curb even though they are trying so hard to love Nikki. In fact, there are a few people who keep haggling Nikki wondering "where have you been" and Nikki just can't help it.
It is not easy always to move on but Nikki has to. Nikki sometimes HAS to leave people places and things behind or there will be no progress and evolution in Nikkiland. And Nikki feels bad and sad about that. But it's the truth. Nikki has LEFT so many people behind and in the dust only to see them several years later doing almost the same shit and Nikki is like WOW, it was hard to leave but I'm glad that I did. So, if I have done it to you and/or am doing it now, I'm sorry but I have to. I feel bad but I have to.
There. I said it. Now I feel better. Nikki also has to tell the truth if she wants to attract people who tell the truth as well.
“Faced with a divorce or separation, faced with the need to terminate a long-standing friendship, I must remind myself that sometimes the most loving involvement is a non-involvement.” ― Julia Cameron, Transitions
Sometimes I almost feel like the more I don't like someone the harder they pursue and press me to be in my space when I'm trying to stay away from them
In their whiny shady low self esteem dudley downer presence Nikki feels like
Meanwhile they keep on pressin'
Anyhoo. The point is this girl was delusional enough to create a complete story and set of lies that she truly and clearly believed about herself and me. As astounding as her delusions were and all the evidence to the contrary, she truly believed her superiority to be the case. It proves that you can create your own reality even while delusional. I've been there and done it and the negative and delusional beliefs I've had about myself have held me back. I'm so glad that there seems to be a new story emerging in Nikkiland
I would pick the dumbest person in the room who believed they were the smartest (and told everyone they were) and then I would believe that person to be better than me. Someone I would look up to and aspire to be like. You can substitute dumb for ugly or untalented and it's all the same fuckin' story. A low self esteem story. This girl was delusional in one way and I have been delusional in the opposite way.
OR I would pick the best, brightest and most talented and want in every way to be like them. Or the most popular or whatever. And all my projections of any greatness whatsoever would be projected onto them and doing everything I could in my own power and talent to help them SHINE rather than shining myself or making any effort to shine. YOU shine, I'll hide behind you and your greatness.
That's why I love The Artist's Way so much because I can relate to so many things she says in that book. I was a "shadow artist" and still struggle with this and forming my own identity instead of pouring all my talent time and resources into someone else's career/artistry...that is still something I'm working on. I see the greatness in others but struggle to see myself artistically in the same way as I see them
An Artist’s Bookshelf – “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron
“Artists love other artists. Shadow artists are gravitating to their rightful tribe but cannot yet claim their birthright. Very often audacity, not talent, makes one person an artist and another a shadow artist–hiding in the shadows, afraid to step out and expose the dream to the light, fearful that it will disintegrate to the touch.”
Read more at:http://skinnyartist.com/an-artists-bookshelf-the-artists-way-by-julia-cameron/
So then, I'm very happy to reflect upon the fact that this low self esteem punching bag let myself get bullied and abused by delusional manipulative people story is not my story anymore. That girl was delusional but thankfully I wasn't in my own delusions of thinking she was better than me just because SHE said so. And the fact of the matter is that in the past I have felt an extreme amount of compassion for and sorry for people and would make a bunch of excuses for people and their bad behavior but would not give my own self that same compassion. I would try to take a lot of time understanding why someone was acting this way and forgiving them, praying etc. In the past this person would have taken up pages and pages and pages in my journal of writing and analyzing rather than just putting my foot down, speaking up for myself and putting and end to it. The old me would have gone through a helluva a lot more suffering with this lunatic but not the new Nikki. Yay Nikki!!!
She tried in every way possible to boss me around, "help me" and tell me what to do thinking she was just naturally superior. Even though I never said it, Nikki's total internal vibe was "I got this"
Nikki is not looking for "parents" and people to tell her what to do. She wasn't my boss and she wasn't put there to be my boss. She was put there to actually HELP ME. But sometimes people trying to HELP can become a PAIN IN THE ASS.
So, Nikki is feeling happy with herself because (a) she stood her ground (b) she didn't fall for the usual tricks of the "NICE" manipulator (c) she definitely stayed calm and things worked out for the best (d) she didn't believe the LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (e) AND, the best thing of all is that Nikki held firm boundaries, no tears were ever shed and not an ounce of sleep was ever lost on the situation.
For Nikki this is an awesome IMPROVEMENT over the past. NO TIME WAS WASTED ON A CRAZY BITCH!! THAT'S NEW FOR NIKKI!!!! YIPPEEEEE!!!!
Nikki was willing to be professional and work with cray cray until the end of the event but Nikki being all "brand new" did not give one fuck if that girl "LIKED" her.
It doesn't mean I don't love you, it just means I HAVE to move forward or the Universe and life will cause me pain until I do.
"Pain Pushes until the Vision Pulls" I've lived it many times over, and I have learned...DON'T DAWDLE NIKKI...KEEP GOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When Life Seems Contrary
Anyway. I'm feeling hungry, not profound. I'm not feeling like this is going to come to a nice neat conclusion or be cohesive but fuck it. I had something to blurt out and now it's blurted. I guess just feeling guilty because it's time for a new beginning and new things.
In review then...
(a) I went through some shit these past few days and I'm happy with the outcome. It shows growth and a new pattern for me.
(b) My slate is clean and I'm ready for the new (not the old to come back...the NEW)
(c) I'm happy that the same kind of arrogant, delusional narcissistic people are not attracted to me anymore
(d) I'm happy that being "liked" or likable it not my #1 goal anymore and even being hated and disliked is tolerable
(e) Nikki doesn't have to like everyone and Nikki has to keep trusting and following her gut
(f) the people who especially WON'T like Nikki are the people who hate themselves. I have had to learn that I can survive haters
(g) If you lie to yourself about yourself, you will attract nothing but liars who do the same. You can tell just as many make believe delusion "good lies" about yourself as you can bad. Either way, it's all in your imagination. May as well imagine great things
Right now I'm hearing the song "I don't fuck with you" and "I just dodged a bullet from a crazy bitch" and in this writing, I'm realizing that it's super awesome that I'm no longer that girl who wastes so much time letting cray cray people like this delusional girl "control the narrative."
It's awesome to see that very little time and energy was expended on her fuckery and even though she tried real hard, it didn't work. She made almost all the effort, dug her own grave and never once did I even have to spend a bunch of energy trying to defend myself against all her bullshit.
I guess I must feel so much more in control of my own story and my own narrative, that it was much harder for this girl to really get under my skin. I mean sometimes I am like man, why is this person acting like such a fuckin' hater like why are they competing with me like they are even anywhere close to my level? I'm trying to be cool and chill but really? I'm not going to shit on you and your life but would you like to read my resume? You are trying to treat me like you treat your 5 year old child and your hen-pecked husband and you picked the wrong person.
Now in hindsight, I realize that on day one or two we were having a friendly conversation with each other and she was saying that a lot of people think that her husband is her son. And I really was not in any way trying to throw shade at her at all but I simply said I could see that because her look and her hairstyle is more "mature". Then on top of that all these people were coming in and remembering me from the same show last year and happy to see me. Maybe all of that in combination just had her feeling some kind of way. But hey, Maybe she's like the old "feminist-trained Nikki" who thought women who paid attention to their looks can't possibly be smart....yes, sadly that's another false stupid belief I had. Maybe she had that going through her mind. The first day she met me she said she loved my lip gloss so maybe she thought cute lips and brains don't go together. Who in the fuck knows. I'm not here to analyze cray cray, I'm just glad she self-destructed and disappeared.
People like her in the past would have really gotten to me but this time it was more funny like what in the fuck is wrong with this lunatic?
Upon further reflection this is actually pretty new and profound for Nikki because crazy has been attracted to Nikki and this time that shit slid off Nikki like Teflon. Old Nikki was so accustomed to chaos and dysfunction that she tolerated and was sympathetic to entirely too much bullshit. Cray cray tried it and she learned
It's a beautiful thing to see in my new reality that Nikki is brand new having some brand new outcomes!!
That is exciting and maybe just a part of "growing up." Nikki's EVOLUTION!!!!!!!
When that crazy girl said she was there to "watch me" I guess what she meant is that she was there to "watch me shine."
If someone is gonna walk around having delusions of grandeur, it may as well be me.
― Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity
I refer to this video a lot because what he says is true. I've experienced it in my own life and know of what he speaks
I probably should have started another post but one day I started adding a whole random piece to this one. Rather than re-write or edit this or move it to another page, I'm just going to leave this random detour here because it takes way too long to move shit around. Sometimes that's how the creative mind works. The ideas all come and you just want to get them down somewhere and you don't have time to navigate all through web code, slow internet, pages reloading and bullshit to get it all organized. SO BE IT. That's just how it's gonna be. That's what editors and trained web designers are for...I'm just here to write and express even if all the dots don't connect all at the same time.
Speaking of "don't walk, dance..."
My mom recently sent me some memorabilia from High School. At Bishop O'Dowd high school, I finally was asked our senior year to play in the school's production of The Wiz. The Wiz, was just one of the many musicals my mom and dad would take me to when I was little. It was probably one of the highlights of my time at school even though there were a lot of good times. The Wiz has always had a very significant spiritual meaning to me because of the experience. It is so cool when I think about how we had the joy of all the rehearsals and experience the joy and magic of theater.
Nikki never played violin in an "orchestra pit" for a musical. Nikki being, still to this day, a very poor reader, was and will always remain thankful to her great kind friend Alison Bailey for all the laughs we had but also for playing the notes how they sound so I didn't have to struggle through reading. It was also the first time Nikki got to experience playing violin with a "band" instead of an orchestra. Nikki, Alison, Brian Tippens (drummer), and George Graham would hang out a lot together. It was an experience that opened my eyes to how much more I could love playing violin if I was playing music that I enjoy AS WELL AS learning all the classical standards.
Although Alison and I have not seen each other since High School, we're connected via facebook and I just LOVE to see all the things she's doing with the kids in Oakland. Not only to you have to check out Alison bnt check out her Oakland Spirit Orchestra and support this movement.
It was always so rough as things deteriorated in Oakland back in the day. But, one thing that made me want to go to school and had me excited about being there is because of the fun things we got to do. Teachers like Alison give you a REASON to want to wake up everyday no matter what you're going through and get to music class. Classes and programs are a reason for living when the world seems so cold. Having to spend 4 years in high school with Alison and finally getting to know her towards the end, what I can truly say is she both inspired me to be better and get better, she helped me when I needed it thereby helping me to move up through the ranks and on the flip side, her music ability was so amazing that many times I just wanted to throw my violin in the garbage.
But I loved it, I loved playing and so I didn't quit in high school and my teacher always saw I was trying and gave me new challenges.
Alison is still a super BAD ASS musician, and she is doing the most awe inspiring thing out in Oakland with the Spirit Orchestra. This is something these kids wouldn't otherwise have in their life if Alison didn't dedicate her time, heart, love and passion to these children.
PLEASE DONATE AND SUPPORT THEM AND PLEASE SUPPORT ALISON AS AN ARTIST AS WELL!
Moving on to dance for a hot second...
As I mentioned earlier, I grew up in and out of dance school. My last dance school as a teenager was West Coast Dance Theater. In fact probably half of my childhood performing arts pictures come from there. And despite all of my own issues with body image, another one of my very most favorate places to be was at that studio especially on Saturdays working on putting a production together. It was through this studio that I learned and got to perform many songs from broadway shows such as Fame, Chorus Line, Blues Brothers, Grease, etc. In fact it was Norine Xavier who first put me in a group of 4 backgrounds and an amazing lead vocalist and we did "Think" by Aretha Franklin. Norine had us all out in the aisles of the theater doing Shake Ya Tailfeather.
IT WAS A PRODUCTION. Gymnastics, tap, music, singing...and Norine Xavier was also the one who pushed me to sing one little part in ABBA DABBA Honeymoon and I was terrified but when she would yell at me SING and push me to belt it out, I just had to do it.
So all in all, it was an AMAZING experience one that also molded me into who I am today. I often times watch Dance Moms thinking wow thank God dance was not like that for me. And Norine never had us competing in competitions. Her and her sister Marnell just shared what they loved with us and gave us something to enjoy while LEARNING.
Recently I caught this show called "Abby's Studio Rescue" and it saddens me to think that people just want to "Compete" now and that Norine was losing out to all the studios around offering competition vs what we grew up with. To me, that's HORRIBLE if children don't get to learn and see what Norine and Marnell taught us. It was truly a sad time when Norine left the Bay Area to move to LA but I'm glad to see that it was a good move for her. I just hope she only took a tiny bit of what she needed from Abby and ignored the rest. IT WAS AND IS SHARING YOUR JOY AND WHAT YOU ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT not about the perfect pointed toe that made me want to keep coming back. And for some kids it's just about having a place where you can go and have fun and learn all at the same time.
How else would Nikki have all the stage and performing experience as a child and the ability to get up in front of people and "perform" in her life? What better way to learn "THE SHOW MUST GO ON" no matter what is happened or has happened?
Early childhood involvement in the arts can have a great impact on your adult life. I believe it opens you to greater forms of intelligence. Maybe if that dumb girl at work had played the flute or something as a kid she wouldn't be such a nuisance and a hater today. Lol. I know having something fun to look forward to definitely makes you way more interested in going to school every day.
Not only has Nikki achieved many many great things but so has a lot of the cast members from The Wiz.
Look at who Mike Goorjian the scarecrow turned out to be. I guess he REALLY had a brain!!
Speaking of "Don't Die with your Music Still In You"...This is a VERY POWERFUL and meaningful spiritual statement when it comes to Nikki. I have no idea how I made it to where I did both artistically and in my career but "if you believe, within your heart you'll know, that no one can change the path that you must go." That shit is true as heck!!
LMAO......I started off saying and thinking it wouldn't be a long one and no gifs...
“Being in the mood to write, like being in the mood to make love, is a luxury that isn't necessary in a long-term relationship. Just as the first caress can lead to a change of heart, the first sentence, however tentative and awkward, can lead to a desire to go just a little further.”
― Julia Cameron, The Right to Write: An Invitation and Initiation into the Writing Life