Anyway...back to the subject at hand.
Around this time last year, a guy once said to me "Haters don't hate you, they hate themselves".
Being a reformed "people pleaser", "nice girl" or whatever that shit is that I used to be, it used to bother me so much when people would hate me or hate on me for seemingly no reason. A lot of times, I would be nice to someone, especially a woman/girl and find that they were being a straight up bitch to me and I just didn't understand why. I would spend a lot of time analyzing and thinking man, what did I do and why is she acting like this toward me? Why is this person going out of their way to deliberately try an hurt me and hurt my feelings when I feel I'm being nothing but nice, uplifting, positive and encouraging? At least that's what I thought.
(Sidebar: Upon further reflection....this is only true of me after high school. In high school and prior, I'm pretty sure there could be some people who didn't think I was very nice. That's possible. My personality changed after my father was murdered, I quit partying all the time and got more serious about life).
I would generally be staying in my own lane, minding my own business and just could not for the life of me figure out why all of a sudden a woman would be acting so nasty towards me, hateful, saying mean things or acting competitive towards me like I did something to her. I just didn't fuckin' get it. I would be sitting there thinking wow, "she's amazing, she's beautiful, she's smart, she's so talented..." and would even make those compliments from time to time and STILL get complete BITCH SHIT coming back at me. I just didn't get it.
I'm naturally introverted, which means that a lot of times, I don't need a lot of friends or a deep and profound connection with women...yes, I go to the bathroom by myself and don't enjoy hanging out in one talking. I can be very decisive and don't need to talk things through with a bestie....I'm just not like that. I'm not a "group projects" type. My ideas and creativity thrive in peace and silence.
So I thought okay, maybe I'm getting the shade because I don't always immediately relate well to SOME women. I grew up being a tomboy and hung around guys a lot, especially my Dad and all my boy cousins. Or maybe it's because I'm not like a lot of women, I don't think out loud, I really am not fond of gossiping, I HATE small talk and I like to be by myself sometimes...well actually a LOT of times. In fact, I NEED alone time and sometimes feel smothered if I don't get it. And honestly, if you're a woman that talks too much, you probably drive me a little cray cray...but I'm probably also not talking about YOU.
I generally don't like talking on the phone unless it's to make arrangements to meet face to face, or it's romance related or it is business related. I really hate shopping. I'm girly and like girly things but I hate doing things like window shopping. I like to go get what I want and then GTFO. I am the type of person who likes to go out and do things and have fun and laugh my ass off...not sit around talking about other people's business. Most of the time, I feel pretty good about myself and therefore it doesn't really make me feel better to sit around talking about everyone else or trashing other people (at least not until you piss me off...then...maybe).
I tend to hang around guys because generally and often I find them to be way more entertaining and funny and less inclined to gossip or whine about problems without taking any action. When I find a woman who is funny and likes to crack jokes though...MAN!! Look out!
I know I'm sounding stereotypical but I'm talking about my experiences and therefore, shit....it is what it is. I'm speaking about my experiences of a certain percentage of the women I encounter...not the rest of you that I LOVE to be around!
Because I am introverted, I like to work alone and I am often inside of my own head and thoughts and I really just hate talking about stupid small stuff. I don't watch the news, I don't pay attention to celebrity gossip, I don't watch a lot of television, and I really am not caring a whole lot about other people's business so a lot of times, I'm "checked out" in my own world.
So then sometimes I think okay maybe I'm getting the shade because they think I'm stuck up or something. I don't know, but at this age, I just am coming to terms with the idea that some chicks just don't like me or feel like they are competing with me and it's so bizarre to me because I'm not even really thinking about them. OR, I'm thinking wow they are beautiful and fabulous until they all of a sudden show me how insecure they are and think we are in some kind of competition or something.
Perfect example...one time this girl (yes, she's supposed to be grown...but no...she's a girl) who is probably as big as my left thigh said "I'm gonna push you off the stage." And the old "naive nice girl" in me, felt hurt by such a remark. Like what did I ever do to you? I have been nothing but nice, encouraging, loving, kind and supportive towards you and your business and I see you as amazing and beautiful and this is how you react towards me?
I used to have some kind of "Sandra Dee" thing, that I no longer have. You know, when Sandy comes out of the bathroom looking all butthurt and says "You makin' fun of me Riz?"...Yes...that was the OLD ME.
I know I've been naive but now at this age, I FINALLY and TOTALLY get it. I have come to terms with the fact that I must be really fuckin' awesome to have experienced SOME chicks acting this way towards me my entire life. NOT ALL. JUST SOME.
I know that I probably spent way too much time and energy focusing on the ones who don't like me or didn't like me rather than paying attention to the ones that do, which magnified an otherwise pretty minute challenge. Yes, as I write about it, I see it more clearly. I see that 1 out of 100 women could have been acting this way towards me and rather than pay attention to the 99 who do like me, I'm wasting energy on that 1 low self esteem heathen creature that has nothing but evil and jealousy in her heart and hates me because.....
It's too bad and too fuckin' sad that you are a whore who cannot get and keep a man of your own and therefore find pleasure throwing yourself at every man in the room. Instead of hating on me and throwing your nasty self at every man you see, WASH YOUR STINKIN' ASS, put some clothes on, work on curing your STD's and close your legs ya skank. I know you hate your nasty self, but that doesn't have shit to do with me.
You get mad and hate on me because dudes like me...no LOVE me, and love having me around and because you are a whore LITERALLY. You get mad at me because you are no longer the center of attention. You have so much shame that my light, my self love and my happiness makes you feel some kind of way. Your self loathing is so vividly apparent and you are so miserable that you want to drag everyone down to the level of gutter trash that you are to make yourself feel better.
GET THERAPY and fix yourself. Everybody makes mistakes in their life but trying to bring me down just because you hate your ho' self is not going to really make you feel better in the long run.
You hate me and you keep trying to fuck with me but you keep failing. My light, my joy, my happiness makes you feel like shit and that's why your low self esteem punk ass wanted to push me off the stage.
Look bitch, this ain't Showgirls and if you EVER touch me I hope you have enjoyed your stay on planet earth because touching me is the LAST thing you will EVER do. I will snap your little stank ho ass in two. DO NOT GET ME TWISTED BITCH.
You're fuckin' delusional.
At best your desperate ass may be a booty call or someone to call for a ride or a plate of fish but you are nowhere even in the same GALAXY as me you dumb bitch. Even if you shaved your beard and mustache, put your flask away and got rid of your Coolio-hairdo, your ghetto project-living always broke depressed never-shutting-the-fuck-up retarded ass would not be anywhere close to my level. People make fun of your lonely desperate depressed ass behind your back. GET A FUCKIN CLUE AND GET A LIFE DUMMY.
I don't know why you try to pretend like you're my friend trying to give me man advice acting like you care about my feelings and then think you're competing with me for the same dude(s). You are the WORST kind of skank frenemy bitch. Take your head out of your ass, get some sense of pride and stop slobbering all over guys ya fuckin idiot.
And stop trying to compete with me bitch. You ain't on my level Aunt Bunny. Not even the nail of my pinky toe level skank. I tried to be nice to you but your FAKE UGLY ASS needs a wake up call. Don't hate me cuz I'm cute. Hate yourself cuz you SUCK bitch. Fix your self-esteem starting with a good wax.
I try to be down for my "sistas" BUT: