I haven't written in this space in a long time. I've been really busy expressing myself in other ways and haven't felt the urge to write in this space nor have I had the time really.
In fact, I'm still really busy but I just wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude for REAL friends and family. What I mean is people who say they love me and ACT like it.
It is like a godsend.
I read A LOT and I just came upon a super duper excellent book that is really helping me break the spell and the patterns I have historically had whereby I give too much and have too much empathy and sympathy for the WRONG PEOPLE and I let that get in the way of my own happiness and joy.
Shout out to the ZoWhat Morning Show which is where I first heard of the book. Even though I was familiar with the concept I didn't know there was such a good book out there that would shine a bright light into my subconscious mind.
I really don't like repeating the same mistakes over and over again and this book really helps me see my old patterns and make the unconscious conscious. I haven't even finished reading it yet but so far it has been so great; I just wanted to give a shout out to the book and to express my gratitude for REAL friendships that are not based on anyone "NEEDING" me or needing me to rescue them or needing them to rescue me.
It feels like real love when nobody's saving me and I'm not saving anybody. Of course it is wonderful when you have friends and family who are being helpful and are there for you in your time of need but what I'm loving about life right now is that the love I am receiving and giving is not "need-based." Meaning "I only love you if you need me" type of love or a dependency/co-dependent kind of love.
This kind of love is much more liberating and stress free. We are all adults; grown ass people capable of taking care of our own selves and our own needs but we enjoy giving from the heart just-because. This is a whole new much more expansive and enjoyable kind of love that I'm loving so much. It's like friends and family you can depend on without being DEPENDENT on them.
Let's face it, I'm a girlie girl woman that loves to be pampered, spoiled, coddled and nurtured. I love to be rescued by a heroic chivalrous man who does all the gentlemanly things, provides, protects and acts like a real man. I LOVE IT. But I don't love it when I have to be "down" and so distressed so he can feel like the hero. That part I don't love so much because I don't want to be down and out and rescued in that way and I don't want to be surrounded by down and out people that I have to rescue either. When people like that try to rescue you, on good days they prop you up and make you feel all warm and fuzzy but let them be having a bad day and they beat you down with their psychological broomstick and slick little put downs trying to make themselves feel better. You know, kind of like if I were to walk up to you, kick you in the nuts and then ask you why you have tears in your eyes. Kind of like that person who will continuously kick you until you are down and then extend a hand to help you up and call themselves the hero. You always gotta be down so they can be "one up" to make themselves feel better about their life. That shit is for the birds.
I love being able to depend on people and have people who want to help and be helpful but sometimes it depends on who it is and what I feel is the underlying motivation. Having "white knight" issues myself, I know the drill. I can feel when it's coming from the overflow vs someone trying to make you a dependent out of their own neediness. I've done it unconsciously my own self, so I'm pretty good at recognizing it when someone is trying to do it to me. Usually over time, the person that is trying to "rescue" you shows their hand and proves that they aren't as giving as they once seemed. Or when you are able to demonstrate that you can stand on your own two feet, they are not as much of a cheerleader for your success without them.
Trust me, I LOVE a superman superhero type dude, but you gotta be able to save your own self too and not just fall on a sword wasting all your time and your life trying to save Nikki. White Knighting is definitely something I'm very familiar with and "relationships" like that SUCK ASS. The all around neediness on both sides depletes you like hell. It is very hard to live your own life when you are out trying to save everybody or sitting around waiting for someone to save you. Being Wonder Woman is very draining. I love to be pampered spoiled and saved but I'd prefer "Balanced" white knights or givers as described in the book. And I DEFINITELY DON'T want to be wonder woman. I'm exhausted just looking at her
So where does all this come from?
Growing up being my mom and dad's only biological child, I was pretty fortunate to be materially spoiled and kind of over protected.
The White Knight book helps shine a light on how my behavior and rescuer/rescued behavior tied in with the ghost of my father and how traumatized I was and have been by his murder.
Like maybe somewhere buried in my subconscious mind was the idea that maybe if I can save somebody I can save him too and therefore avoid the pain, helplessness, powerlessness and loss of comfort and protection I had when he was here.
My Dad never got to see me graduate college. He was killed my freshman year. He would have been so proud of me.
The guilt and the pain, perhaps survivor guilt, I think left me frozen and in "white knight"/survival mode for a long time. In fact, I think I also feared death constantly and that also left me feeling extremely anxious.
I'm not really even sure that I would have chosen a "secure" major such as Business Administration and a career in accounting if my Dad was still around. But I lost the source of all my security,
I'm sure that had a heavy influence on me choosing something that would ensure my future financial security even if it wasn't my passion AT ALL. To this day I think about "what about the bottom line" or "how does this effect our ROI or EBITDA" and the artist in me says "WHO CARES?" Of course the finance person in me understands the need for balance.
For a long time, I hated that I chose business instead of something I was more interested in such as the arts or anthropology however, now after spending several years exploring my passion, I totally get that everything happens for a reason.
Nonetheless, I believe I have been "frozen" from the trauma for a long time not really understanding my unconscious motivations and intentions behind my rescuing and wanting to be rescued behavior. It's no wonder that I wanted to be "wonder woman"
I became a severe workaholic, shopaholic, eataholic...anything not to feel my feelings. I mean I even look like I'm trying to save the day
I worked my ass off man. You can't say I didn't try even if I was hiding in the business side of the world I love
If you don't do your inner work, sometimes you have no idea what is going on in your subconscious. I have a friend Dr. Mortonette Stephens Ph.D. who most people know as an amazing vocalist, producer, songwriter, musician, etc. I can't even get into her resume and discography because it would take a whole website...luckily she has one!! www.mortonette.com
But the thing that is not as well known is that she is an amazing metaphysician and spiritual teacher. I call her "the Oracle" sometimes.
I did some inner journey classes with her and some "shadow work" and some really incredible things came up for me that I had to take a look at. My work with her coupled with years and years of journalling, prayer, meditation, some counseling, etc has really helped me grow and become "unfrozen"
The thing is that I was so busy trying to be "nice" "kind" and rescue everyone but I suppressed a whole side of me that I needed that was "frozen" in my subconscious. Buried. Books like "The Shadow Effect", "Dark Side of the Light Chasers" and all the Carl Jung Shadow related material really helped me see that I was suppressing a lot being an empathetic rescuer and trying to save the world.
Unfortunately when you become an overly empathetic rescuer like I was and suppress so much, you, or I rather, was nice to too many of the WRONG kind of people. People would take serious advantage of me and I let them. Almost like I welcomed it like punishment. Forget the person who is being genuinely nice and kind with good boundaries, let me go and attach myself to the asshole in the room. That was Nikki oftentimes. Many times, I dismissed the kinder people with boundaries and went straight for the man/woman being the "dick" to attach myself to. DON"T GET ME WRONG I have had plenty of wonderful kind-hearted people in my life, I'm only speaking of a pattern that was detrimental to me in some of my choices.
I guess the point it that when you wear your kindness and empathy on your sleeve and you're trying to be the silly ass hero trying to save everybody and can't even save your own self, anyone can manipulate you and pull at your heartstrings and make a complete fool of you. I WAS TOO WIDE OPEN. I accepted a lot of good and good people in my life but I also let in a lot of JERKS.
It wasn't until I started reading books like these that I even started to consider that SOME people weren't nearly as kind and harmless as I perceived them to be.
Actually, I could see their evil and dysfunction staring me right in the face but rather than run from it, I would make excuses for it, be naive in thinking I could somehow "fix" them or fix the situation. Be kind and forgiving and feel sorry for them and whatever it was in their psyche that makes them act that way. I used to spend a lot of time trying to "figure people out" and try to be understanding of why they may be acting that way.
This is where too much empathy has been a huge deficit and problem for me historically but I'm glad that I don't seem to be falling for the same ol same ol anymore.
When I see a nasty person, I'm not inclined to fuck with them on any level. I'm inclined to keep my distance, stand up to them when necessary and not waste any more effort or time trying to "fix" them or the situation.
I'm much less inclined to "save" and rescue people and much more inclined to "save" my own self which has been a beautiful thing.
What is so beautiful about this is that when I take better care of myself and put myself first instead of trying to put myself last, I sleep better at night and it just seems like the Universe is taking better care of me.
Rather than exhausting myself worrying about other people and caring about other people's problems, I feel much lighter and happier not being burdened by people's baggage. At first I struggled with it and had real problems with being afraid of being seen as selfish but being SELFLESS has almost destroyed me
Because of the loss of the love of my life, my Dad, it makes sense to me that I preferred "need-based" relationships that maintained kind of this weird juxtaposition of emotional enmeshment/entanglement and emotional distance between me and my loved ones. As long as they needed me I couldn't be abandoned. As long as I put myself last and fell on my sword, I could assuage myself of any guilty feelings for being "selfish" or "self centered" or a "spoiled little child". If someone needed me they wouldn't leave me. If I put myself last they wouldn't abandon me, shame me, guilt me or hate me for being selfish.
This is another great book I read a long while ago that helped me feel less guilty about taking better care of my own self
What I have learned from my life lessons is you cannot save anybody if you're a hot mess and can't save your own self. I'll give myself an "A+" for effort though. Can't say I didn't try.
There have been times where I was so worried about somebody only to later find out they've been out having the time of their lives while I'm sitting at home having a nervous breakdown about their welfare. THAT IS DUMB. I have been DUMB. I let people totally take advantage of me because I was dumb.
But hey, when you know better you do better and what I'm so happy and thrilled to see is the quality of love, care and nurturing I'm receiving from real friends and family has changed because I have changed. Oddly enough, when I did the thing I was completely afraid to do, which is be more seemingly selfish and self-centered, the nicer and more kind the world has become to me. Seems like my "picker" is a whole lot better now that I've been kinder and more loving towards myself.
It's like WOW, I finally started being more "selfish" and "self focused" and instead of the world turning against me, the world has become a much kinder place to live in. And either I don't attract takers anymore OR I see the takers from a mile away and simply ignore them. I see a trainwreck coming my way and I make a U-Turn rather than heading down a one way street to hell. And it feels like takers see I'm not as easily exploitable which makes me less of a target. They may not like me as much and I'm okay with that. I seem to now see my real friends and family much more clearly and we can enjoy the dance of give and take with each other
Self care and putting myself first has been a real rewarding and beautiful thing for Nikki.
Being able to put my faith and trust in myself and trust in God has really helped me a lot. Seeing that grown ass people can take care of themselves and that it's okay to take care of my own self is so beautiful!
So now that my cup runneth over with self care, I have PLENTY left over to give without being depleted. It's so weird but the kinder you are to your own self, it seems like the kinder the Universe is to you.
So SHOUT OUT to my real friends and family. People who love my silly goofy self just the way that I am. People who love me not because they need me or for what I can do for them but people who love me unconditionally just the way that I am. People who care for me and about me while I'm still alive, healthy, successful and kicking and not waiting for me to croak to finally act like they loved me.
It's not that I didn't have great friends and friendships before it's just that I'm noticing that my friendships are a million times better now that I'm not vacillating between trying to be the hero and trying to be rescued. I'm noticing that the Universe is just friendlier now that there's not this "need based" imbalance.
Recently my mom said it's such a great feeling when someone you love loves you back and THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!!
I LOVE GIVING and that is not anything I expect to change any time soon but now I also really really love RECEIVING too. And so to have people in my life who like to give AND receive it's such a beautiful trade off.
And when it comes to giving and receiving with a man...I love to decorate but other than that, I honestly hate domestic duties.
But there are some things I would trade off for a man who thinks like this guy...This is SUPER DUPER SEXY! WOW!
I love to be taken out to eat but for that I would DO MY BEST!!!
I can decorate my ass off but I am not a "domestic" at all. I can make things look beautiful but maintenance is not my forte'. But I'm willing to try on SOME things....never say never but you probably will NEVER see me taking care of an animal (not an animal lover AT ALL) but I will try to cook. Just ask my very good friend....I tried to make a cheesecake for him for Christmas and accidentally dropped eggshells in the batter. Gave it to him anyway. It's Nikki's thought that counts.
But I digress...
Thank you to my REAL FRIENDS and FAMILY who really love me and not just say it but ACT like it without needing anything from me but my heart!!!! I love you so much and would do anything from my heart for you knowing that you love me not for what I do for you but for who I am. I love you to pieces for who you are too.
When people love you, care for you and want to take care of you when you have nothing left to give but your heart, it's such a wonderful feeling. Thank you for being down with #teamnikki, loving me for who I am. I love having you on my crew and in my circle and I love being on your team as well. We are all in this together and that is an amazing feeling! You are my TRUEST OF TRUE FRIENDS!